Almost two years ago we moved into our house. We moved from our little apartment that we had when we first got married. Seven months after getting married we purchased our first home. At that point we had already been trying for children for seven months. We thought we would have been pregnant before purchasing a house but when the opportunity arrived we knew it was the best choice for us. Our little apartment would be small and cramped for a family of three. This house had more room to grow and we were excited to fill the room that we designated to be our baby's room. We had already been trying for seven months, so a baby couldn't be that far away, right?
After moving we made the house become what we wanted it to be. Decorations went up, changes were made, and everything was put in its place. After we found out we were expecting we came across a deal we couldn't pass up and we got a crib and a carseat that were put in the baby's room. It was a room full of excitement for what was coming in our future.
However, soon the day came that the room became a source of pain and heartbreak. After our first pregnancy loss we couldn't stand to enter the room anymore. We couldn't take seeing the unused crib and carseat that we thought would be used. Discussions took place on if we should take them out and put them in storage or get rid of them all together. But still they sit in the room. We have discussed turning the room into something else besides a baby's room. Its a room that is unused and pretty much useless right now, but nothing has changed. If we were to change the room, it may just need to be changed back to a baby room soon after. Two and a half years of waiting, it can't be that much longer, right?
Its a room that always stands in constant debate. Its the one room that I have come to hate. During hopeful moments I love thinking about how it will all be decorated. The theme and colors picked, it can be transformed into the perfect room to bring home a precious little one to. Its the room that I can see myself spending hours in with a little one in my arms.
However, when those hopeful moments turn to despair, frustration, and heartbreak I want to think nothing of the room. The room is avoided at all costs. The door stays closed constantly. Never is it opened unless the room is quickly entered then promptly exited. Thoughts of how I need to clean the room out and make it useful come back but packing everything up just brings more tears and heartbreak. So the room just sits. It sits with the door closed until a decision is reached. Who knows if a decision will ever be reached, so the room sits useless.
Yesterday (October 26) was day 3 of clomid so I was already pretty emotional. We did a project and switched out all the doorknobs in our house so they would all match. Its been on our list ever since we moved in but are just now getting around to it. Everything was going pretty well until it hit the baby room. I walked into the room for the first time in months. It immediately brought me to tears seeing everything still sitting there. I just couldn't take it. Would the room ever be used? Taylor quickly finished the knob for that room, then room was shut again. There it will sit and remain shut and unused. I am sure more discussion will take place and probably nothing will be done. It will remain the room that I hate. Maybe one day it will again become a room that we love.
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