Making It Through The Holidays

A question I was recently asked is how we are able to make it through the holidays. I have been thinking a lot about this question so since I am up and can't sleep I might as well take the time to answer it. I have come up with my top three answers to that question even though there are more than that, but I will just focus on the three.

The holidays can be extremely difficult at times.  It is a very family and child centered time.  Children everywhere are excited for Santa to come and many traditions are centered around that.  For those struggling with infertility it can be very painful at times.

My first suggestion would be to stay busy.  Taylor and I have come up with things to do that we enjoy and our own traditions. We have been trying to enjoy the holidays to the the fullest.  Just because we don't have children to shop for and take to see Santa, it doesn't mean we can't do our own fun things still. The busier we are the less time we have to think about the pain.

Taylor and I have thought about all the fun things we would do for the holidays with our children. It's fun to think and dream about. It's something that we enjoy talking about and it gives us hope,  but we try to find a balance and not dwell on it too much to the point it is painful and frustrating. Even though we don't have a child of our own to spoil, that doesn't mean we can't spoil others children. We have spent quite a bit of time spoiling other children this holiday season and it has brought a lot of joy and hope into our home. Of course there still needs to be balance with this so it doesn't become painful. Even if it's painful to spoil the children in person it's fun to shop for children's toys to donate to anonymous children.

The third key thing that has helped more than anything is to keep our Christmas strongly Christ centered.  Having everything so centered on Christ has brought such a greater spirit and hope into our home. The message of Christ's birth is a message of hope and peace and we are all able to embrace that through any trials we go through. In a way Christmas has pulled us through the past month or so because we do have that constant reminder around us that there is hope!

Our holidays have been fabulous this year. We look forward to the holidays in the future when we will be blessed with a little one in our home, but for now we are just making the best of it all!

We Have A Plan

We finally have a set plan for what comes next in our infertility journey. Today was the day that we met with Dr. Foulk again. As always, Dr. Foulk was throwing humor into everything which was nice. He really is such a great doctor to work with.

Right now we have 2 options left. We can either do option #1, then if that doesn't work proceed with option #2, or we can just jump to option #2 and skip a step.

Option #1:

Try 3 more IUIs but with a different medicines. Instead of taking Clomid I would use Femara, FSH injections, and the HCG trigger shot. (cost $4500)

Option #2:

Invitro-fertilization (cost $15K-$20K)

There are pros and cons with each option. Since I did get pregnant with the first IUI there is always a chance it will happen again with IUI treatment. However the concern is that the pregnancy I had was another ectopic so my body didn't hold the pregnancy. There is a chance it also wasn't though, there is no way of telling. The only reason that the IUIs wouldn't work is if there were problems with my tubes that can't be detected. IUIs are also cheaper than IVF. The pro of IVF is that it would bypass the tubes. However it is a LOT more expensive.

After discussing it all with Dr. Foulk, he highly suggested starting with option #1. It doesn't cost as much, it still has a good chance of working from the things that we know for sure are going on, and less invasive. If it works that would be amazing and if not then at least we tried and will know for sure that IVF is the best option. If we jump to IVF we might always wonder if it would have worked going the other route. He did say we could jump to IVF though if that is the route we felt we needed to go.

We really trust Dr. Foulk's opinion and after discussing it further we have decided to go with option #1. We don't know exactly when this will all occur but we do know that is the direction we are working towards right now. We will start the next IUI treatment as soon as we have everything saved up, at least that is the plan right now. We are hopeful and excited having another plan in place. Now on to saving up and making it all happen.

Less Than 1 Week To Go

We officially have less than one week to go until our next consultation with Dr. Foulk. We have been getting pretty anxious for this appointment to come just because we are ready to figure out the next steps. We are ready to have a plan again, no matter what it may be. We have been thinking a lot and wondering what it will be, even though we have some idea in our minds what it may be. We are ready to find out how close our thoughts match up with Dr. Foulk's thoughts and expertise. We do realize that the plan may be hard to hear but we are ready for it. We are at peace knowing its all in the Lord's hands and what needs to happen will happen. We will be taken care of through it all. We are hopeful for the future and we know we will get a lot of questions answered on Friday. Its always exciting to move forward and closer to our miracle!

Even a Miracle Needs a Hand

Taylor and I recently pulled out the old Christmas movies we would watch growing up. It was fun to see them all again since I haven't watched them in years. One of them really caught my attention though. I have been thinking a lot recently about miracles. I have been wanting to write a post on it for a while now as well but didn't know how to approach it. I received the question, "If you have been promised a baby, why are you working so hard to do treatments? Don't you think it will just happen when it's supposed to and how it's supposed to?"

This question can get pretty complex. Yes, we have been promised we will have children. However we don't know through what means that will happen. I believe Heavenly Father sometime needs you to put forth some efforts and do things on your part in order for Him to work His miracles. Of course He could just make it happen if He wanted to, but He knows better, and sometimes certain things are required of us first before the miracle comes. This is something that Taylor and I have prayed about and talked about so much and we know that we need to keep moving forward with treatments and do all we can to make our miracle happen. We don't know if our miracle will come eventually through the treatments or if it will happen on its own but we do know that we need to keep putting our efforts into it and keep doing all that we can. However, we do understand that this is not always the case for everyone. One of my best friends stopped treatment and after time she got her miracle without any treatments. In her situation all that was needed was time. That doesn't mean though, that efforts were not put in. A whole lot of faith, prayers, etc. were needed to make that happen. So we are moving forward having as much faith as possible, with many prayers, a lot of fasting, and moving forward with what we are able to do. In the end it all comes down to what His will is, and us aligning our will with His will. Everyone has their own path they need to take to get their miracle and we know this is what He wants us to do. We would never jump into something so huge without making sure its what He wants us to do first. Also, plans change so a few things may change after talking to Dr. Foulk but we are moving forward with the knowledge that we have and the answers that Heavenly Father has given us.

So now back to the movie and the part that caught my attention. The movie was 'Twas the Night Before Christmas and it was the part when they were talking about needing a miracle. Here are the lyrics to the song they sang:

Even a Miracle Needs a Hand

Miracles happen most every day
to people like you and me
but don't expect a miracle
unless you help make it to be

So you hope and I'll hurry
You pray and I'll plan
We'll do what's necessary cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

You love and I'll labor
You sit and I'll stand
Get help from a next door neighbor cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

We'll help our maker
to make our dreams come true
but I can't do it alone
So here's what we're gonna do

You hope and I'll hurry
You pray and I'll plan
We'll do what's necessary cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

We'll help our maker
to make our dreams come true
but we can't do it alone
so what are we gonna do

You wish and I'll whittle
You drip while I dry
Lets all try to help a little cause
Even a miracle needs a hand


Here is the video clip as well. This song pretty much summed up my answer to the question that was asked and it was exactly what I needed to hear when I watched it. It's amazing how Heavenly Father can help you to hear what you need to hear in different ways, and right when you need to hear it.

Why Not Adopt?

Another question that we get quite often is, "Why don't you just adopt?" Even though that question sounds simple, it really isn't. Have we thought about adoption? Yes. We have considered it and prayed about it, but the basic answer is it's just not for us right now. We are not against adoption in any way, and one day we definitely may end up adopting. We have done a lot of research on it and talked to many people about it. Even when we have those moments when we think it may be the route we should go, we quickly get confirmation its not the right time for us right now to adopt. We are definitely being led down the path of treatments and so that is the direction we are still going.

If we were ever to adopt I know I would love the child as much as if it were my own biological child. But there is still a part of my heart that longs for a child of our own. I want to go through morning sickness, the pregnancy up and downs, and birth of my own child. It's what I have always dreamed of. After being pregnant it just made me want to carry my own child to term even more.

I know this answer may not fully answer the question for some who have been asking, but it's simply the answer that I have. If Heavenly Father were suddenly to tell us to go down the road of adoption we would definitely do it full heartedly. It's just simply not the time for it or the path for it right now. We are heading in the path we have been directed until we get a different answer. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and we are trusting in His plan.

How Do You Do It?

While we are taking a break from treatments I am going to take advantage of the time to answer some questions that I get a lot. (If you have questions for me, please ask. I am more than happy to answer questions and it may even give me more topics to write about that I haven't thought of.) One of the questions I get most often is, "How do you do it?" I get asked how I was able to handle my husband's brain surgery while going through infertility as well. How am I able to handle treatments and work full time? How am I able to handle so many people (with children) around me? How am I able to handle being a nursery worker? How am I able to handle all of the pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and baby showers? How am I able to handle all of the negative results? How am I able to handle moving forward with a new plan since the first one didn't work?

There isn't just one answer for all of these questions and some of them are quite complicated. The questions are worded as if I just walk through all of these situations without much trouble. However, its quite opposite. I don't feel like I am just able to do these things. I stumble and fall, and then I have to crawl through it. That is how it feels to me. I have come up with some things that have helped me to cope better though, so I will try to address and answer some of these specific questions.

1. How are you able to handle treatments and work full time?

I was worried about this one myself at first. I didn't know how sick I would be and wasn't sure how all the appointment scheduling was going to work. Utah Fertility Center was really great to work around my work schedule for my appointments. They would try to get me in before work for all my ultrasounds and treatments. When they absolutely couldn't make that happen they would work it so that I could go during my lunch breaks. They understood that I had work responsibilities as well and allowed me to do both treatments and work. If that wouldn't have been possible we wouldn't have been able to do treatments.

Many times I would be really sick during work and wouldn't feel well. I had so many miracles happen in this area. So many times I would pray because I just didn't think I would be able to make it through the day and then all the sickness would go away. Even though it was hard, I wasn't left without the help that I needed.

2. How am I able to handle all the children around me as well as pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and baby showers?

Even though it may seem like I handle this well, I really don't. It is extremely hard to have so many people around me starting their families while we are still struggling to get there. I am so extremely happy for all of my friends who have been able to start their families. I get so excited to see them be able to bring a little one into the world. Even though I am so happy for them, it's hard to see them be to the point that I want to be at. It's really a difficult place to be in because you are so happy for them, but at the same time it's a reminder of all our heartbreak.

Even though a lot of times it's really hard to hear the announcements and see all the new little ones, at the same time it can give us a lot of hope. One of my best friends has been trying for a child about the same amount of time we have. She finally got her miracle. It really was a miracle and she told me about it and everything that happened before she made big announcements. It was helpful that she was able to tell me before hand so I would be prepared for what was coming, but her story also gave us so much hope. It reminded us of how great of miracles Heavenly Father can make happen. It's a reminder of  what we have been promised and one day it will be our turn for one huge miracle.

Many times when I hear unexpected announcements and it's just one of those hard days, yes I have to break down and just cry on Taylor's or a friend's shoulder. I used to feel so guilty when this would happen because I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't happy for them, because I really am always so happy for them. I had to learn to go through the emotions for myself though. If I just hold it all in, it just makes it worse.

As for the baby showers, this is going to sound horrible, but I just don't go to them. I don't think there is any way I would be able to sit through one without breaking down and turning into a complete mess. Even the thought of having to go shopping for a baby gift and then sitting through a shower makes me all emotional. Once again when we first started our journey with infertility I would feel so horrible and guilty for not going. Taylor then talked to me and told me it was okay for not going. The only baby showers I am invited to are ones of close friends and family so he told me it was okay because those family and friends (since they were people close to us) understood what I was going through and knew that I still loved them, supported them, and was happy for them, even though I wasn't actually able to go. Instead of sending actual baby gifts, gift cards are sent. That way I can avoid the shopping and they still get a gift.

3. How am I able to handle working in the nursery?

Working in the nursery was a calling from Heavenly Father. If that is where Heavenly Father needs us to help then that is how we will help. There are definitely hard days when I wonder when I will have a little one in nursery but I love having the calling. Even though it is really tough sometimes, it also gives us a lot of hope at other times, reminding us again of what we have been promised. It so fun working with all the little kids and I have grown to love them all so much. During the hard times I just have to remind myself that our day will come when we will have little ones.

4. How am I able to handle all of the negative results and how are we able to move forward with a new plan after the first plan failed?

The negative results never get any easier to hear. Treatments are really a roller coaster ride the whole way through. You start out the treatment so hopeful then as you move through the cycle you have spurts of hopefulness and frustration as you think it either worked or didn't work. Then all the hopes you had come crashing down when you get the negative results. It all then starts over again with a new cycle of treatments. Each time I hear the negative results, I have to first work through all the emotions of heartbreak and disappointment, but then I just need to remind myself that Heavenly Father has a plan for us that is better than our own plan and we will one day hold a baby in our arms. I then, once again, gain that hope that maybe the next cycle will work.

Moving on to a new plan is heartbreaking just for the fact that the first treatments didn't work. However, we know we have to keep doing all we can and move forward as much, and as well as we can. We need to put forth all our effort into this and Heavenly Father will provide a way for everything to work out. We don't know if it will be one of these more expensive treatments that will eventually make it happen for us or if we will get a huge miracle and we will be able to get pregnant on our own. However, we need to keep moving forward with the knowledge we have. It's hard thinking about the finances and wondering if or how it will all come together but if Heavenly Father needs us to go through treatments to make it happen then He will provide a way for everything to come together for us. I know that He will not leave us without the help that we need. He has always provided a way for things to work out.

With all of these questions there is one main thing that helps us to go through all that we have and that is Heavenly Father's help. He has strengthened us so much and has helped us get through so many things that we never thought we would be able to handle. But then more trials, and harder trials come and helps us through even more. We know He has an amazing plan in store for us and we know that He will take care of us. I have been promised so many times that all the tears that come from all this heartbreak will be multiplied in tears of joy. I can't wait for that day and that is just one of the promises that keep us going.

IUI #3 Results

Well results are in for IUI #3 and the results were negative. We were very hopeful that this would be our time, but it wasn't. It was heartbreaking. I think this round of results has been the hardest to deal with just because we don't have much of a plan moving forward. We have a meeting with Dr. Foulk on December 13th to come up with a new plan, but whatever that plan is it will be much more expensive. We will have to take a break for a while to save up for what comes next. We have talked about what we think the next plans will be but we won't mention them until the doctor confirms it. Its so painful and heartbreaking that all three attempts have failed. It never gets easier hearing negative results over and over again. Even though its been a very discouraging and frustrating day we are trying to move forward with faith. If Heavenly Father is making us go through this, He will help us find a way through it, no matter how impossible it seems. We are trying not to think about timeframes as much as possible. Today when we started talking about how long it would take us to save up for the next plan it became even more discouraging. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and it will all work out in the end. All of our tears from all the heartbreak will be multiplied in tears of joy.

IUI #3 Rollercoaster

Today was the day for IUI #3. This time it took about an hour and a half. Yep, that is right, an hour and a half for what should have been a five minute procedure. I went in to the office and got all signed in. There was a staff meeting so they were running behind from that, but they took me to the egg retrieval room for IVF patients. It was weird being in a different room and one with a lot of machines and gadgets. I was just hoping that was not a sign for what is to come. The nurse practitioner came in and she was really nice. She said that Taylor's count was amazing. She tried the first time but couldn't get the procedure done. So out came that speculum and in went another. This same procedure went on for three times and it was extremely painful. I could tell she was a little frustrated with it not working. She kept saying she has done tens of thousands of these and has never had such a hard time. She said she would get it though because she told me, "You ARE getting pregnant this time". Her outlook on it all made me pretty hopeful. After so many tries she finally asked if it would be ok to let Dr. Gurtcheff have a try. I told her that was fine so she went and got the doctor and her come in. This is first time I have seen Dr. Gurtcheff and she was really nice. The nurse practitioner came back with her and sat by me and rubbed my arm as tears streamed down my face from all of the pain. I was just expecting Dr. Gurtcheff to come back but it was nice of the nurse practitioner to come back as well. I know she was really worried and concerned about me and the procedure. It was really nice of her to try to comfort me through it all especially since Taylor couldn't be there again.

After two tries Dr. Gurtcheff was able to get the catheter in and the IUI was completed. They both felt really bad that it took so many tries to get it done and that it was so painful. With each IUI the actual procedure has become harder and harder for them to do. While Dr. Gurtcheff was in the room she said, "Even though you are obviously so tough, it will be a good idea to see Dr. Foulk again if this one doesn't work". We knew we would be stopping after this try anyway because that is what they usually recommend. They usually like to do three tries then re-evaluate everything and try other options. She said that I was one of the toughest patients she has seen being able to endure so much today but I certainly didn't feel tough.

I will have my blood test in a few weeks to see what the results of this cycle are. We also set up an appointment to meet with Dr. Foulk in December just in case its a negative again. If we do get our miracle this time then we will just cancel the appointment but he is really hard to get into so we wanted to get the appointment in advance.

So now the last IUI is completed and it's completely in Heavenly Father's hands. I am hoping and praying with everything that I have, that this will be our miracle cycle. I had a comment from someone saying I have been really pessimistic talking about what will happen if this cycle is negative. I didn't mean it to come across that way. I just like to prepare for what may be coming. Even though I am making a plan ahead of time and thinking about all scenarios, I really am hopeful that this may be the time we get our baby. Either way I have complete faith that things will work out according to Heavenly Father's plan.

Good News After A Scare

Friday I went in for my ultrasound to see how follicles were developing. It turned out to be a disappointing appointment. The ultrasound showed that I didn't have any follicles ready for an IUI. I was scared and thought for sure the cycle would be cancelled. The worry was that my body stopped responding to the medicines. However, they scheduled me to go back in today for another ultrasound just to be sure. I was fully expecting bad news but the ultrasound tech was happy to tell me that one follicle had developed and was plenty big enough for the IUI. She told me to do the trigger shot at 1:00 today and then IUI could take place tomorrow. Luckily I took my shot along with me since I had to go to work right after the appointment. When 1:00 came I snuck away to the bathroom and did the shot. Not only did a follicle develop but my lining looked great so I didn't need any extra medications and the follicle was on the left side which is the non-ectopic side. So far things are going well with this cycle. The only down side is that ever since I gave myself the shot I have been extremely sick. Its to be expected since the shot fills your body with the HCG pregnancy hormone that usually causes morning sickness in pregnant women. The past two cycles I haven't had the sickness so I wasn't expecting it, but it decided to come this time.

Last night I was getting ready and gathering everything that I would need today for my appointment. I remembered I would need to probably take my trigger shot with me just in case. The sight of this turned me into a sobbing mess.

My first cycle the sight of this needle terrified me. However that was not the reason for the tears last night. The shots don't bother me anymore. What terrified me was the thought of it all being over. We are really hoping that this cycle will be our miracle cycle but there is always that thought of what will happen if its not. I am terrified of what will happen when I will no longer be able to move forward with more treatments for a while. Its going to kill me to not be able to keep going forward. If it comes to that I know I am going to feel so lost without things to be doing, calendars to follow, and treatment plans occurring. I am going to feel at a stand still without being able to reach our miracle.

Even though all of this is very terrifying, we are still hopeful for this cycle. We are so grateful that its going better than last time. We know that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and according to His plan.

Journaling

When I was about eight years old I received my first journal for Christmas. I didn't know what I was supposed to write and didn't get into it all that much. I didn't finish that journal until 2009. When my grandma passed away, I was able to get all her journals and read them. She wrote in her journal religiously every day. Most days it would only be a few sentences but she still wrote. This had a big impact on me to see how good she was at journaling every day. Among her belongings was a blank journal which I was lucky enough to have and I was able to use to it for my own personal journal.

However over the past two years or so I have really taken up journaling a lot. With so much happening, it is my one way to completely get my thoughts and feelings out. I have been going through about one journal every six months. Today I finished another journal.

Journaling has really helped me a lot through this whole infertility journey. It's the one place I can pour everything out without judgement or worrying about offending others with things that I say. Anyone going through infertility would understand that when dealing with it, you just need an "out" of sorts. Not only do I write happenings, thoughts, and feelings, but I always record blessings that I am given and I then write them in my journal. It's good to have them all written down so I can always look back on them. 

I have often went back and re-read what I have written and I love seeing how far we have come in our journey. There is no telling how much longer this journey will be, but I am happy that I have decided to write everything down.

The Room I Hate

Almost two years ago we moved into our house. We moved from our little apartment that we had when we first got married. Seven months after getting married we purchased our first home. At that point we had already been trying for children for seven months. We thought we would have been pregnant before purchasing a house but when the opportunity arrived we knew it was the best choice for us. Our little apartment would be small and cramped for a family of three. This house had more room to grow and we were excited to fill the room that we designated to be our baby's room. We had already been trying for seven months, so a baby couldn't be that far away, right?

After moving we made the house become what we wanted it to be. Decorations went up, changes were made, and everything was put in its place. After we found out we were expecting we came across a deal we couldn't pass up and we got a crib and a carseat that were put in the baby's room. It was a room full of excitement for what was coming in our future.

However, soon the day came that the room became a source of pain and heartbreak. After our first pregnancy loss we couldn't stand to enter the room anymore. We couldn't take seeing the unused crib and carseat that we thought would be used. Discussions took place on if we should take them out and put them in storage or get rid of them all together. But still they sit in the room. We have discussed turning the room into something else besides a baby's room. Its a room that is unused and pretty much useless right now, but nothing has changed. If we were to change the room, it may just need to be changed back to a baby room soon after. Two and a half years of waiting, it can't be that much longer, right?

Its a room that always stands in constant debate. Its the one room that I have come to hate. During hopeful moments I love thinking about how it will all be decorated. The theme and colors picked, it can be transformed into the perfect room to bring home a precious little one to. Its the room that I can see myself spending hours in with a little one in my arms.

However, when those hopeful moments turn to despair, frustration, and heartbreak I want to think nothing of the room. The room is avoided at all costs. The door stays closed constantly. Never is it opened unless the room is quickly entered then promptly exited. Thoughts of how I need to clean the room out and make it useful come back but packing everything up just brings more tears and heartbreak. So the room just sits. It sits with the door closed until a decision is reached. Who knows if a decision will ever be reached, so the room sits useless.

Yesterday (October 26) was day 3 of clomid so I was already pretty emotional. We did a project and switched out all the doorknobs in our house so they would all match. Its been on our list ever since we moved in but are just now getting around to it. Everything was going pretty well until it hit the baby room. I walked into the room for the first time in months. It immediately brought me to tears seeing everything still sitting there. I just couldn't take it. Would the room ever be used? Taylor quickly finished the knob for that room, then room was shut again. There it will sit and remain shut and unused. I am sure more discussion will take place and probably nothing will be done. It will remain the room that I hate. Maybe one day it will again become a room that we love.

Round 3 Starts

Thursday I had my baseline ultrasound for IUI #3. It was strange going to the office knowing this will be our last shot for a while. I went into the exam room and the nurse came in. She kept talking a lot about how its "3rd time the charm". I hope its our lucky shot but we will see in about a month. The baseline ultrasound looked good and everything was again scheduled. All the drugs were ordered and delivered so we are ready to go.

I am excited to take another step forward in this whole process but I am also nervous. Things didn't go as well as they could have last time. I am hoping things go better this time and there won't be as many complications.

The past 3-4 months have been nothing but constant doctor appointments with schedules for all sorts of different medications. Its strange to think that this is our last time doing this for a while. I am excited for a break from all the medications, whether that be with a pregnancy or without. I am also really nervous though. We have been working so hard towards this goal then all of a sudden it will be put on hold in a way, for a while. At least with each of the IUIs we feel like we are working towards it, putting effort into it, and are getting closer to the goal. Without all the schedules and efforts being put in, I am afraid we are going to feel lost since we won't be feeling like we are moving forward. In the meantime though we are just focusing on this cycle, hoping it will be better than the last one.

IUI #2 Results

Today's results were exactly what we were pretty sure they would be. The results were negative. Even though we had a feeling this would be the case its still hard and disappointing to hear. It will never be easy to hear a negative result.

I was able to talk to the nurse a little bit and she was able to answer some questions. We will be trying one more IUI cycle right away. I am nervous about this because of how much of a toll the first two have taken on me but I know it will be for the best. If the next results come back negative we will have another consultation with Dr. Foulk to come up with a new plan. That is what I am dreading even more. I am sure the new plan would be doing injectable IUI cycles or going to IVF. No matter what the new plan is determined to be we will be taking a break from treatments to save up for the next steps. We have been extremely blessed to have been able to pay for all three IUI cycles right in a row. So many little miracles have happened to make it possible, but the next steps will be even more expensive. We will cross that bridge when we come to it though.

Even though its been a hard and disappointing day we are determined not to lose hope. Rather than being sad and crying all day we are trying to focus on the positive side that at least this marks one step closer to our end goal. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we know He has great things in store for us. For now we just need to keep faith and hope in Him and keep moving forward.

The Only One Who Knows

The Only One Who Knows

In the beginning He was the only one who knew,

All the trials and heartache I would endure.

He watched closely as I grew,

Knowing His love and hope would be the only cure.

Step by step learning His way,

Mastering the tools to help make it through.

His helping hand pushing me each day,

Because He is the only one who knew.

Would the little steps be enough

When the challenges and trials would flow?

I would have to see when things got rough,

For He was the only one to know.

Through the waiting, strength sustained,

Leaning on the tools learned before.

Taking advantage of what the gospel contained,

Remembering back to the very core.

Through the heartbreak of letting each of my angels go,

Love and hope from him would show.

Seeing each tear along the way flow,

Feelings that only He would know.

Through the waiting, treatments, and tests,

When everything is seeming to go wrong,

He is giving me comfort and little rests.

He is helping me push along.

Trying my hardest not to be tossed to and fro,

Pushing forward as the trial wind blows.

Leaning on the gospels truth, light, and glow,

Because He is the only one who really knows.

Copyrighted 2013

Slowly Losing Hope

The wait for results of IUI #2 is getting smaller but our hope that this one worked is slowly growing smaller as well. Today I started having symptoms of negative results. After talking to one of the nurses, she said that it still could come back positive when we do the test but she didn't seem all that hopeful either. Its been a really rough cycle. Everything has seemed to go wrong the whole time. We knew it would be a long shot for it to work this time, but Heavenly Father does work miracles, if its according to His will and His plan.

Even though we are losing hope a little bit, we are still holding onto our faith. Keeping faith doesn't mean having faith that things will work according to the way we want, and doesn't mean that we think it will necessarily happen this time, it just means we are trusting in Heavenly Father and HIS plan for us. His plan for us is perfect and will turn out exactly the way it should. He knows what will be best for us and we have faith that things will turn out the best according to His plan.

IUI #2

Yesterday I thought everything would go pretty much the same as it did with the first IUI. I soon found out how wrong I was though. I have been on Estrace since my last appointment and finished it up yesterday. Hopefully it all worked but that is just one of the things that have been against us this cycle. Taylor was not able to go with me for this IUI. He went to the dr. office an hour before me to do his part of the procedure but then had to go to school. I didn't like going by myself but its what I had to do. Last time the procedure was quick and easy and it only took a couple minutes to do. However they had a really hard time doing the procedure this time. It took 45 minutes! It was extremely painful this time as well. It was a long 45 minutes to endure. The person doing the procedure was very nice and concerned but there was nothing she could do to help the pain. It was what had to be done if we wanted to finish out the IUI cycle. At one point I just wanted to call it quits and not even finish but I had already come this far and done all the medications. I wasn't going to go through all the medicines and sickness for nothing. As I lay on the table fighting to hold back the tears I remember praying to Heavenly Father asking Him to help the nurse be able to finish the procedure. A couple minutes later she was able to get the catheter through and it was done.

I never thought the two cycles would be so different. We have had so many odds stacked against us for this cycle that its been hard to stay hopeful for a positive outcome. We first had the lining issue and had to start Estrace. Then Taylor's count came back less than half of last time. It still was a good number but just not as good as the first time. Then we had all the difficulties actually getting the procedure to happen. It has been a really rough cycle but we know it will all be worth it when we get to bring a little one home. Now the waiting game begins.

A Complication...But Still Going

This past little while has been really crazy so I haven't had the chance to post. Today I had my ultrasound to see if the meds were working for this cycle. I got up this morning and made sure I had my HCG shot (I was hoping if everything looked good they would just do the shot for me, like they said they would have last time if I had had it with me.) and headed to the office. I thought it would just be like the last time and everything would go as planned, but of course that would have been way too easy.

The nurse doing the ultrasound was really nice but I thought it was strange how she wasn't updating me on the findings as she went like she did last time. After she finished the ultrasound she then starting telling me what she found. She said the right ovary did not have any follicles anywhere near where they needed to be and my left ovary only had one follicle the size it needed to be. They usually like to have two for the IUI for the best chances. She also proceeded to tell me that my lining wasn't thick (or fluffy) enough this time to carry a pregnancy if I were to get pregnant. However, they decided to put me on another prescription, Estrace, to thicken the lining to make it ready for pregnancy. I am to take it twice a day for the next three days. They are still having us go forward with the IUI. Tonight I have to give myself the shot at precisely 9pm. IUI will then take place Friday morning.

Even though this time around has had some setbacks with only one follicle ready and the lining not being where it should be we are still hopeful that this may be the time we get a miracle.

One Amazing Couple (No Not Us)

I have mentioned before that we have met a lot of people through our infertility journey that we never would have met otherwise. It has been one of those blessings that has come from the trials we are going through. One particular couple we have come in contact with is Matt and Stephanie. We have not met them in person but have talked a little through email and other messages. Their story of what they have been through is amazing. They have been through so many hard things but have still found a way to remain faithful through all of it. They are such great examples to everyone around them, and to those who hear their story. Their story has given us so much strength to keep moving forward with what we are going through.

Matt and Stephanie recently went through an IVF cycle. I really admire the strength they had to post about the details of the whole journey of the cycle. Many friends and family have asked me the difference between IUI and IVF and what each entail. I have posted about our IUI cycle, but I haven't been through an IVF cycle. I don't know first hand what its like. We do know there is a possibility of us having to do IVF in the future but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Stephanie has documented the whole process on her blog though. I would strongly encourage anyone who wants to know what the process is like to read their blog. Stephanie posted one post a day for the past week or so. It really helped readers and followers to see all the emotions that people going through fertility cycles need to go through. There are so many ups and downs through cycles that can clearly be seen and felt through reading their story. She also wrote the blog posts as they were going through the cycle but just didn't post them until later until they were willing to share their story. There is a lot to learn from them and their story, not only the IVF process itself but also about faith, love, courage, hope, etc. You can find their blog HERE. (When you click the link to go to the blog it will start with the most recent or last blog post. Scroll down to the post IVF #1: The Beginning and read the posts in order.) I promise that reading this blog will be completely worth your time.

Thank you Matt and Stephanie for having the courage to post your story. You are helping so many people who are going through infertility treatments and helping raise awareness of infertility. You are both very inspiring!

Round 2

Here we go again. My numbers dropped after the miscarriage like they should have so at least everything went smooth in that area. We did a lot of talking, praying, and budgeting after we were told it would be best to do multiple IUI cycles right in a row rather than taking a break. We were both really nervous about this since we had originally planned on taking a break and saving more for another cycle after the first cycle. We have decided though that we will be moving forward with the second cycle right away. The second cycle starts tomorrow.

This time around we know more of what to expect but its hard still in other ways. I have already been really sick for over a month straight and its been very draining both physically and emotionally. Its also only days after the miscarriage and we are jumping right back into it. Its all so much at once but we feel its the direction we need to go.

I ordered all the meds again so tomorrow will be the baseline ultrasound and I will probably be starting the first med again tomorrow if all looks good with the ultrasound. We are very nervous but excited for this cycle at the same time. Nervous because we already have 4 angels and want a pregnancy to stick more than anything and excited because of the possibilities ahead. However, all these trials and heartbreaks will be worth it in the end.

IUI #1 Results

Well the results are in. They have actually been partially in since Friday. Friday's results were very unexpected. I went to the office thinking I would have my blood drawn and get a clear positive or a negative. I got the call that day and the nurse said, "Well I have good news and bad news"... not what we wanted to hear. We just wanted the good news part. She said my levels were at 10.3 and that meant that I was pregnant but that number was low for where I was at. She said she had seen people with numbers that low go on to have a normal pregnancy but others have miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. We definitely did not get our clear cut answer, but instead more waiting.

Today I went back for a follow up blood draw and the news was not good. We will be miscarrying our 4th angel. Its a tough pill to swallow when you have lost so many and just want so badly for the news to finally be good. I got the news in the middle of work so I had to hold everything in for the rest of my shift which was really hard. When I finally got home and walked in the door I saw this in front of me:

And Taylor was waiting for me because he knew I would need a shoulder to cry on.

We were hoping and praying for a miracle to happen and that this baby would make it, but it didn't. This time was just not the time for it to happen. It was sad tonight going through the usual routine and not taking the supplements that I have had to take the past weeks. It meant that there would be no baby. The pills that I wished I didn't have so many of, I found myself wishing I was still taking. I am now down to 2 prescriptions (the two I found out recently I will probably have to take the rest of my life).

I asked the nurse at the office if there was any other tests that they could run to see if anything else was wrong. She said they had ran every possible test out there and I have the prescriptions to fix the things they found, like PCOS and hypothyroidism. They will be testing the thyroid again soon to make sure its at the right levels now with the meds. I was grateful for her understanding and patience with my frustrations. She went on to say that they highly recommend I immediately go on and do another cycle. This took me back a bit because it was my understanding it was fine to take breaks between cycles. After discussing the pros and cons both ways though, I do understand why they recommended that.

So where do we go from here? We just take the miscarriage one day at a time and work through it, going back to the office every other day for blood work to make sure levels are not indicating an ectopic again, and try to put ourselves back together after another really hard heartbreak, then prepare ourselves for another roller coaster cycle (whenever it may be). We don't know for sure if we will be doing another cycle right away because its extremely expensive and insurance doesn't help with the cost. We will start trying to figure out if it will be possible to continue and do another cycle right away since we do feel it would be advantageous for us, but we will have to see what we can pull budget wise. We will then move on trusting God and His timing for us. Even though this is another hard time for us, we know that His plan is the best and it will all work out the way its supposed to.

Thank you so much to all our family and friends for all your support, love, prayers, fasting, etc. We have such amazing people in our lives! Our miracle will come someday and it will definitely be at least in part because of the prayers and faith of our family and friends.

Sick and Spoiled

Last week I could feel a cold coming on. It was strange because it came on slowly when usually they come on fast for me. However, a couple days ago is when it hit full force. So I have had a cold for about a week and a half, but its only been full force a few days. I feel like I have been sick for the whole past month, but I have went from being nauseous all the time to having a cold. The hard part about the cold is I can't take anything to help with it. I can't take any medicines. Its been really difficult and I have been feeling quite miserable. We are getting closer to the end of the wait, but the cold is not helping at all with the pace of the wait.

However, through all of this, Taylor has been spoiling me rotten. Over the past few days Taylor has brought me flowers every day. They have brightened my otherwise pretty miserable days so much!

Its not just the flowers either but I love how much he supports me all the time and just wants to help make things better. He has been so amazing through it all and I know he will always be there. I know at the end of this when we get the results he will be there to celebrate and be so happy or be there to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. I have the best husband!

I Just Need Possible

Recently I watched the movie "Soul Surfer" again. I love that movie and watch it regularly. It has such great quotes, music, and take aways. Its a movie that you finish watching with a feeling that you can do anything. There are so many great quotes from the movie and as I was watching it I loved how many of them applied to my situation, and not just my situation but anyone's situation with trials.

The very end of the movie the final quote says, "Life is a lot like surfing because if you get caught in the impact zone you've got to get back up because you never know what may be over the next wave."
Trials are temporary and good times are coming. I have been reminding myself of this the few days. We don't know how this cycle will end, whether it will be good news or bad news but one day it will be the good news so we need to keep going. Some days are very discouraging because it seems like it will never happen, but the truth is it will.

Another quote is, "I don't need easy. I just need possible." This is exactly how I feel about getting our child here. I don't need it to be easy. It would be nice if it were easy but it doesn't need to be. All the hard times we have been through and may go through, will just make us love and cherish what we get all that much more. I can handle the medicines, drugs, appointments, ups and the downs, as long as I know its possible for it all to work. I just need to know that I will get my little one someday. Yes, it is extremely difficult at times and there are times that I feel like I can't go on any further. But then I remember what I am doing it all for and tell myself I can do just a little bit more one step at a time.

There are so many more amazing quotes in the movie but the last one I will mention is when the media crew is talking to Bethany at the end of the movie. They ask her, "Bethany, if you could go back to that day, would you not go surfing?" She responds, "No, I wouldn't change a thing, because then I wouldn't be here talking to you. I can embrace more people now than I could with two arms".  As hard as our journey has been, I wouldn't not trade it. Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need and how long we need to go through this. He knows when this trial will end. He knows just how many treatments we need to go through. However, through it all He has given us a lot of blessings as well. One of which is meeting some people that we never would have otherwise. They are some great people who have been through really hard things. They have given us a lot of inspiration and have become lifelong friends. We wouldn't trade that for anything.

Well that's enough of my random thoughts. The other thing I just wanted to do was to thank all our family and friends who joined in the fast today. We greatly appreciate all the love and support from all of our family and friends. Not only do we appreciate those who participated in the fast but those who have stopped by, those who have texted, emailed, or called with messages of love and support, and those who have been praying in our behalf. We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. We have a lot of people praying for us and our little miracle and it will be truly loved whenever Heavenly Father sees fit to send him or her to us.

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The Hardest Part

Today was the big day. We had our first IUI. We got up early so we could get the things that the dr. office needed. We had to do a drop off at 8:30 and then the procedure was at 9:30. We ended up just staying at the office since by the time we would have got home we would just have to go back. The wait in the waiting room was hard. Both of us were anticipating what was to come whether good or bad. As I was sitting there one couple was called back, but when they came out they were both crying and looked so devastated. I don't know what happened but I felt so bad for them. Another couple was also called back but when they came out they were so happy and excited because they had just had their first ultrasound and found out they had a viable pregnancy. I thought about how I couldn't wait to feel that kind of joy that they were feeling. As I was sitting there I thought about our situation a lot and how far we have come and wondered how far we will have to go, how many more treatments we will have to do, etc. I also wondered if this cycle will turn out with us being devastated like the first couple we saw, or happy like the second. Only time will tell.

After the hour wait everything was ready for the procedure. It didn't hurt much which was good and it was pretty fast. All of the staff was really nice and helpful as always. We were given instructions for the supplements that I now need to take for the next 2-3 weeks and scheduled our next appointment then we were on our way, but now the hard part for me begins.

For the past two weeks we have had appointment after appointment and have been on schedules for this drug or that drug. The next few weeks I only have the supplement stuff to help a pregnancy along if the treatment does work. I don't have appointments or crazy drug schedules to stick to. The last two weeks I have felt like I have constantly been doing something to help us get our baby here. I am not going to know what to do with myself the next few weeks. I am not going to feel like I am doing much to move towards our goal. I have been thinking a lot about the procedure today but there is nothing more I can do to make it work. Its just weeks of waiting ahead which is the worst part for me. I hate the waiting. I would rather being doing something to make it happen. So in the meantime we will be doing a lot of hoping, praying, etc and hopefully we will get good news in a few weeks. It is all in Heavenly Father's hands. I know he can and will help us get pregnant, we just don't know the timing and when His answer will finally be, yes.

Still Going

Today we had another ultrasound to see if all the prescriptions were working. I was really nervous about it and my biggest fear was that the cycle would be canceled. I didn't want to do all of this for nothing. The ultrasound tech couldn't find any follicles on the left ovary but on the right ovary there were 3 follicles. One is definitely big enough and should release an egg, another is medium sized and may or may not release and the third is pretty small so probably won't release. Its really good that the prescriptions worked and there are follicles, but there is still concern that they are on the right ovary because when I had my ectopic it was on the right side. There is definitely risk of another ectopic but in reality there will always be that risk whether we are doing IUI, another treatment, or trying on our own. They told me since the first was definitely large enough to go ahead and do the trigger shot. I didn't have the shot with me or they would have done it there at the office, but I didn't take it with me because we thought (and the doctor had thought) that it would be later. I noticed the time and I had to be at work soon so while I finished up Taylor ran home to get the shot and vials and met me at my work. In the meantime, I got shot training at the office and got the IUI scheduled which will take place tomorrow morning.

Taylor met me at my work and we sat in the parking lot getting the vials for the shot all mixed and ready. Taylor was right there ready to give me the shot if I wasn't able to do it. He even offered to do it so I wouldn't have to. I told him I wanted to try to do it, just in case we need to go through more cycles in the future and I need to do more shots. I gave the shot to myself. I didn't think I would be able to, but I did.

Like I said, IUI will take place in the morning. We are anxious, nervous, excited, etc all at once. We are hoping and praying that everything goes well. We will be doing a fast on Sunday that the procedure will work. If anyone would like to join us we would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers, love, and support through this whole process. We wouldn't be able to get through all this without our amazing family and friends.

Most Dreaded Question

In social situations, at work and other places there is always one question I get that I really don't like. I get a lot of different comments and questions related to infertility, but the one question that I always hate to answer is, "How many kids do you have?". That questions is usually followed up with by inquiring about how many years I have been married. 

When the number of kids question comes up, I usually just say none and move on with the conversation, but when the question is followed up with how many years I have been married you can see wheels turning, wondering why I don't have kids yet. So many times I just feel like screaming that its not my choice to not have children and in fact that I do have children, three of them, but they just didn't make it. 

Even though other's don't think a second thought about the children we have lost, we think about it quite often, especially when the questions come. Each angel that we have had, has helped us grow and has impacted our life so much. I enjoyed carrying each angel, no matter how short it was. They are and will always be in my heart. Hopefully I will soon be able to answer the dreaded question with a number larger than zero, but in the meantime I will just have to answer with "none", while remembering my angels.

One Prescription Down...Hopefully More to Come

Over the weekend I finished with one of my prescriptions. I am really happy to not have to take that one anymore. I am grateful I only needed to take it five days. I didn't have any side effects the first three days on it but days four and five I had a lot of dizziness and hot flashes. That was not fun to deal with. I am now in a small little waiting period. I go in on Thursday morning for an ultrasound to see how things are progressing. We will then get the okay to move forward with the shot and IUI, or if things are not progressing (hoping and praying this is not the case) then the cycle may be cancelled. We really don't want it cancelled but we know it's always a possibility.

Over the past couple days I have had a few moments where I was just wishing I had a body that worked right. I am sure a lot of people wish that, even for other situations. I wish my body worked right so I didn't need to fill my body with all sorts of different prescriptions that make me have all sorts of different side effects like nausea, dizziness, hot flashes, etc. I can definitely see why people take breaks between IUI cycles. Not only is it extremely expensive but it has taken such a toll on me.

Even though I have had feelings of my body letting me down, I really am grateful that it's not worse than what it is. I am also grateful for all the ways my body works right. So many people take their bodies for granted. This experience has made me appreciate my body.

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we have to do this IUI cycle and that we have such great doctors for the process. There are many who don't have a good fertility doctor in their area. It's another one of those things I am so grateful for. We are hoping and praying that everything looks good at this upcoming appointment and that we get to move forward. We do have some fears about it all but it's so great knowing Heavenly Father is in charge. We have seen his hand so much in our lives even in just the past couple weeks. We just need to keep having faith in his plan.

Drugs, More Drugs, and Emotions

Infertility is one of those things that people never quite understand until they actually go through it. They can try to put themselves in the others shoes and get a good idea of what its like, but you never get the complete picture until you go through it. The same thing is true for IUI. I never imagined the cycle to be like this!

On Tuesday I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done. Everything looked great with the ultrasound so they had my blood drawn and sent me on my way with the next set of instructions, which consisted of getting a prescription from the pharmacy and ordering two medicines through the mail, since pharmacies don't offer them locally. I filled my local prescription and started taking it the same day. Today I received a package in mail with the other prescriptions. One of which is an injection. Shots don't bother me at all, but when you tell me I have to give it to myself that is when I panic! (I just figured that out today.) We got all the prescriptions situated and got the ones that needed to go in the fridge, into the fridge, and the ones that needed to stay out, out on the counter, all ready to go for when the doctor says to start using them.

My day was going pretty well up to this point, besides the panic attack from having to give myself a shot in the coming weeks. However, I got off work and noticed I had just missed a call. I listened to the voicemail that was left and it was my doctor's office saying they got blood work back and Dr. Foulk reviewed it and wants me to start taking yet another prescription starting tomorrow! They didn't give much information and I started to panic again wondering if this new medication was going to help the cycle, or stop it and we would have to wait to try for the IUI. I tried calling the office back but they had just barely closed so I called the after hours line and luckily someone answered. She looked at my records and said I would need to start the prescription tomorrow but as far as she could see we would still be going forward with the cycle. We will find out more tomorrow about this situation and this new prescription.

After all of this confusion, worry, and stress, that happened in just a few minutes time, I started to cry. I walked in the door after work crying. I never get this emotional over stuff. The hormones and drugs are definitely doing something. Taylor saw me when I walked in and was worried. He calmed me down after I talked to him about the situation. My worst fear is the cycle being cancelled and postponed. I don't want to be doing all of this for nothing. The emotions, the nausea, the constant timing of drugs, etc has really been hard to cope with. I am so lucky to have Taylor though! He really has been such a huge help. He puts things into perspective when emotions get out of whack and he is very patient with all of this.

I feel like my life will revolve around drugs for the next few weeks. The timing is so hard to get used to. I have to take one pill an hour before I eat, another when I eat, another at least two hours after the first pill, another pill with dinner and two more at the exact same time every evening. Taylor even joked with me and said he would get me one of the pill boxes that old people on the TV use. I may have actually considered it but it only divides out by days, not by times.

So now we wait until tomorrow when I get to talk to the nurses at my doctors office. They are quickly becoming just like best friends. I have talked to them at least once per day this week. I am so grateful that they are all such great, friendly people. Having such a great doctor, with great staff makes a huge difference. I can't imagine going through this with an office that didn't have such nice, caring people.

Submitting and Taking Action

A few months ago we got into a deep conversation with my aunt, who is also a great friend of mine. She came over to watch some fireworks with us in our backyard and we ended up talking for a while afterward. She said that she and a friend had been talking about the word "submit" and asked us our opinions on it. It has had me thinking a lot ever since then. There is a lot that goes into submitting to something, in our case submitting to our Heavenly Father's will. It takes a lot of work to be able to say that you have been able to fully submit to Heavenly Father's will and plan for you. I still can't say I have been able to fully submit to Heavenly Father's plan for our infertility journey.

A few days later I looked up the definition of submit in the dictionary and it got me thinking even more. Some of the definitions are: to yield or surrender to will or authority of another, to subject to a condition or a process, to commit to the consideration or judgment of another. I do know that I can't change the situation that I am in. We have been given infertility as one our trials and we can't change that. However, we can change our thinking about it and our reactions to it.

For the first little while after the diagnosis came I started researching everything I could do to change our situation. I came across some crazy theories for how you can reverse infertility. I soon came to the conclusion that we can't change or get around the situation, we need to go through it and figure out how to get through it. I fought against Heavenly Father's plan for a while, not wanting to go through this trial that we were given. As much as I wanted it to, infertility did not just go away.

Submitting became my only option. It is not something that is easy to come to terms with though. It something that has to constantly be worked at. One day you can feel like you have submitted to Heavenly Father's will, and the next you just want to change everything again. Heavenly Father really is in control and his plan is the best. I know that and I always will, but sometimes you still just want to be able to change things.

Submitting can bring a lot of peace especially during a hard trial, no matter what that trial is. Its comforting to know that I higher power is in control and knows much better what needs to happen, even though a different route seems better to you at the time. Its a great spiritual moment at that point when you can humble yourself and give the control over completely to Heavenly Father and submit to his will.

Even though Heavenly Father is in control of our infertility journey, we have not stopped moving forward. Even after submitting to the trial, you can't just sit back and say things will happen as they are supposed to. Action still needs to be taken. You still need to do your best to do all you can to move in the direction you feel is appropriate. Of course, the way you figure out the correct direction is through prayer and revelation. Heavenly Father won't just make things happen if you aren't doing the things you need to, to make it happen.

Many people with infertility have to figure out what treatments they need to pursue, what actions they need to take, and in what timeframes they need to deal with things. Submitting does not mean stopping the actions, its continuing forward in the direction Heavenly Father has counseled, knowing that His plan is the best and it will work out the way its supposed to.

We are definitely not perfect at submitting to Heavenly Father's will for this trial but we are trying our best. We are moving forward the best that we can, putting our faith, trust, and hope in the Lord. It is scary to move forward with IUI but we know its what we need to do. We excited to see what Heavenly Father has in store for us, no matter what it may be.

Adjustments and Moving Forward

These past few weeks have been filled with some adjustments. It was hard getting used to the Metformin, and it was only a half dose for the first two weeks. I would get sick really easy among other side effects. I was really nervous Friday to double the dosage. Luckily, I haven't had many side effects with the increase in the amount. Hopefully it will stay that way.

At this point we are moving forward with everything. Hopefully I will get my blood work done this week along with a baseline ultrasound. After that we are hoping we get an all clear to go forward with our first IUI the first of next month. If not, it will be within the next few months. We are just trying to keep moving forward with everything, trying to keep the faith and hope that something will work soon. In the meantime, we are very excited for this coming week with Taylor's birthday celebrations.

I am sure going forward with treatments will be quite a roller coaster ride but we are ready and hopeful for a good outcome. Heavenly Father knows what is best for us and we have hope and faith knowing that. All of these hard times will be worth it in the end.

Growing Closer

Infertility is a hard trial to go through and it causes a lot of stresses. Lately I have heard a few stories where infertility has caused some couples to grow farther apart, rather than closer together. I thought a lot about Taylor and I  and how far we have come in our two years of marriage. A lot has been thrown our way in those two years. However, through it all, we have grown so much closer together.

I think there are quite a few reasons for this outcome of growing closer together, rather than farther apart. Infertility very quickly becomes extremely stressful. Soon after diagnosis, there is  a lot of medications, treatments, budgets for treatments, and worrying that occurs. It's a lot of pressure for couples and if they aren't able to take time away from the infertility issue, I can see how it can cause problems.

Yes, we have to deal with infertility, but infertility has not become our identity. It's a huge part of our life but its not who we are. It has helped us become who we are today and it has made us stronger, but it does not define who we are. There are so many other things that make up who we are. Infertility in the big perspective is only a small part of who we are. There have been a few times we have forgotten this but when those times come we just have to remember to take a step back and take a break from the trial.

First, we try to take time out of our schedules regularly to do things that we enjoy doing together and have some fun. Like recently we trained and ran our first 5k, we play board games, do projects, garden, go on walks, etc. Its those small moments of taking time for ourselves that has helped us grow closer together.

Second, hard, painful, and heartbreaking times come quite often when going through such a roller coaster journey. Its painful for both of us. Many people think its only painful for the wife since she is the one that would be bearing the child but its equally painful for the husband. He endures everything right along with me. We both have our struggles with the whole thing. We both have good days and bad days, we both have our frustrations, but we both have each other to lean on. Since we have grown closer together we know we can always depend on each other. On those days when I can't hold myself together and just need to cry, Taylor is always there to hold me and tell me it will all work out and be alright. I always know I can count on him for anything. Even as I have been adjusting to new medication he has been doing everything he can to help lighten my load and I will be forever grateful for that. There have also been times when he needs to rely on me and count on me and I will always be there for him. When he had doubts he would ever be able to learn to walk again after brain tumor surgery he had to lean on me and we were able to work through it all together. We are best friends and we would never want to push each other away through the hard times. We are each other's rock and support.

Third, we know that Heavenly Father is in control and has a plan for us. When things seem overwhelming and stressful, we know He will help us through it all. Not only have we built a stronger relationship together but we have both built a stronger relationship with our Heavenly Father. We do stress a little bit over things but we know its not worth it to stress too much. Things will work out in Heavenly Father's timing and that is always the best timing!

I am so grateful that I have had this opportunity to grow so much closer to my eternal companion and best friend as well as my Heavenly Father. Infertility is so hard to go through but I am so grateful for the blessings that have come through it, that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

PPP 5K

We did it! This morning was the 5k for Pound the Pavement for Parenthood. I was really nervous about doing it because I started Metformin yesterday and it can make you get pretty sick. Luckily I wasn't too nauseous during the race and we were able to finish the whole thing. It was so great to see show many people come together for the cause of infertility. More and more people are talking about it and awareness is becoming more widespread. It was sad to see some disappointment for some people who didn't win the raffle but on the other hand it was amazing to see a couple of the reactions of people who did win. We had put our names in for the raffle but didn't expect anything at all and almost even changed the names on our tickets last minute to someone else since we may not even be doing IVF. We are hoping the IUIs work so that we don't need to do IVF but we will see what happens. Pound the Pavement for Parenthood is such an amazing organization. I will definitely be supporting the organization more in the future.

Answers!

Today we had our big appointment with Dr. Foulk. It went really well. I got more answers than I was expecting. Everyone at the office was really nice. They took us back to Dr. Foulk's office and when he came in he introduced himself. He then told us that he is pretty sure he knows why we aren't pregnant. He was very confident in this. He explained that there are two factors playing into everything. First, I am not ovulating regularly. I ovulate once in a while but not enough. My previous doctor had taken some blood work and it was all borderline so he thought I probably was ovulating. However when you put that information together with a few other things it shows that I am not ovulating regularly. Also, I was told to use an OPK and it only came out positive 2 out of 6 times. My previous doctor said that the kit probably just wasn't picking the hormones up enough and I really was ovulating. We told Dr. Foulk this theory and he laughed. He said the OPKs are actually pretty reliable. He said my previous doctor is a great OBGYN but he specializes in things after the baby gets in there, not helping it to get in there. He said its like asking him to fix a car. Its just not his specialty.

After he explained that we need to get my body to ovulate he told me that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). There is a lot that goes into this diagnosis. To fix this issue I am starting a prescription tomorrow that will help some hormone levels and help with insulin intolerance. I will then be starting another drug, clomid, next cycle.

The other concern that Dr. Foulk had is my ectopic pregnancy. He said the tube that had the ectopic had something wrong the month that I got pregnant. The tube may or may not be functioning properly now and there isn't much they can do to tell, but they want to make sure they do everything they can to prevent another ectopic. To do this they are going to do an IUI. They are pretty much going to take a sample from Taylor and place it where they want it to be. This isn't a guarantee that an ectopic won't happen, but its the best shot that we have right now.

Dr. Foulk seemed pretty confident that this will make our miracle happen. However, if that does not work in 3-6 tries, he said he would want to look into tube issues more and then possibly move on to IVF. Hopefully it won't come to that but we will see what Heavenly Father has in store for us. We feel good about moving forward in this direction. We have more hope and clarity from things that Dr. Foulk was able to tell us. Its all in Heavenly Father's hands, and we are hoping we will have a little miracle soon.

Did You Think To Pray?

A couple days after my laproscopic surgery, Sara took me with her to walk around Deseret Book. I always love going and seeing what new books have come out. The featured book for that week was this book:

I saw this book, looked at it, and an employee walked by and told me that it was a great book. I decided to get it. A few minutes later I talked myself out of getting it and decided to save the money. However, I ended up going back, looking at it again, and another employee told me that it had completely changed her life. I picked it up again and bought it.

The book is divided into 365 sections, one for each day of the year. Its meant to be read slowly over the course of a year. There are quotes from many different influential people in the church on the topic of prayer. I am not even half way through the book yet and it has completely changed my way of thinking about prayer and changed my life when it comes to prayer. Its fun to read a quote then think about it all day and really study the meaning of it and apply it.

Prayer has become a huge tool for me over the course of our infertility journey. All growing up I constantly heard about prayer and would say my prayers but they didn't always have a lot of meaning or thought put into them. Prayer has become a center point of my life. I constantly am praying to Heavenly Father for the peace and strength that I need to get through each day. Through prayer and a few other things I have strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father so much. I am so grateful for the stronger relationship that I now have with my Heavenly Father. Its one reason why I can be grateful for this trial.

Prayer has brought me so much peace that everything will be okay through the past two years. There are many times that I have suddenly become really discourage, anxious, frustrated, or depressed but I always know I can turn to Heavenly Father through prayer and he will give me the peace that I am searching for. For example, today I got a call at work and I couldn't answer it. A little while later I listened to the message that was left and it was the doctor office saying that our appointment for Thursday would need to be switched. They had an emergency surgery situation come up that needs to take place on Thursday during our appointment time. The said they would have to get us in another time. I called the office but it just went to voicemail. I started to worry and panic. I was almost in tears. We had to schedule over a month ahead for this appointment to get a time that would work for both mine and Taylor's schedules. All I could think about is how I wouldn't be able to wait another month for this appointment. I kept saying a prayers in my head through the next while at work that everything would work out for the best and I would have the peace and strength to get through whatever timeframe we would have to wait.

A while later the office called back again and I was able to answer. Once again they explained that they were sorry for the inconvenience but they needed to take care of this surgery situation for another patient. I was understanding about it. If I were that patient I would hope others would be understanding and I tried to look at it from that perspective. I remember hoping that whoever the patient was that the surgery would go well and that couple would get their dreams of a child. As the conversation continued I explained that both Taylor and I have hard schedules to work around right now. They felt bad about having to change it and they said they wanted to help us out too. They said they would work us in at 4:15 on Thursday instead of 3:00. We were so grateful that they ended up working us in that day so that we would not have to wait a long time for the appointment. Our appointment is supposed to take over an hour so we are grateful for the staff that will be staying after closing time for us. I am grateful for the peace that I had today and grateful that everything worked out for everyone with the scheduling. Its all in Heavenly Father's hands and I am so happy I have had this opportunity to develop my relationship with my Heavenly Father even more!

*To learn more about what we believe click HERE.

One Week Mark

Well we have made it to the one week mark! In one week we have our appointment with Dr. Foulk at the Utah Fertility Center. The break from all the appointments and tests has been really nice but we are ready to get back on it and keep going and try to get some more answers. Waiting for the appointment has been quite a roller coaster ride. We are really excited to move forward with everything but also really nervous. We want to find out what is going on but at the same time we are really nervous for it. We have our huge stack of paperwork filled out and all ready to go. Now all we need is for the appointment to come. We have already had such a great experience with the Utah Fertility Center and we feel that we couldn't be in better hands at this point.

Fundraising, Donations, Trials, and More

Recently I came across a Facebook post about a news segment that was going to be airing. The segment was about people turning to the web to ask for help paying for adoption and fertility treatment costs. The post then asked followers if they would consider doing that or if they would donate. I was curious about it so I started reading the comments that were left which totaled over 170 comments. I was quite surprised with my findings there.

As for the question about donating to someone to help pay for fertility treatment or adoption, yes I would donate and I have donated before. (I only donate though if I know the people or know it's not a scam.) Going through similar situations and seeing how hard and heartbreaking it is to deal with, I would never want anyone to have to go through the same thing. It is hard enough going through all of the emotional and physical pain but it is even harder when financial strain comes on top of it all.

Most people can get pregnant without paying anything to make it happen. However, imagine that you tried for over a year and it never happened. You go to the doctor and have multiple tests done and possibly even surgery, but you still don't get pregnant. You are then told you will need to pay at least $15k-$20k for one cycle of treatment. Even then a lot of times it does not work the first time. So upon dealing with the heartache of this news you now also have a huge financial burden placed upon you to get one thing that you long for more than anything else. This same thing you want to happen, most people can make happen without paying anything.

One of the first comments I read was if people can't afford treatment on their own then they shouldn't be having a child because they can't pay for the child once it comes anyway. In my experience and opinion this many times a is false accusation. For parents who conceive naturally they have the prenatal costs then the costs of raising the child after its born. For parents who need treatments they have those same costs but also need to pay the thousands upon thousands of dollars in treatments. Many couples who try to do fundraisers and get donations are actually being extremely financially responsible. They are trying to get the money raised up front so they don't have loans from treatments to pay for after their child is born. Many couples frugally save every penny they have in hopes of getting a child even though it may take years to save that much money to pay for treatments. Donations would help them get to where they want to be faster. Not considering the treatments, most couples can still afford to raise the child, its just getting the child here (the treatments) that they can't afford because it's so much, especially if they need more than one cycle.

Infertility is a disease. Nobody wishes to have infertility. Just like cancer or heart disease you may become one of the unlucky ones to have it. You don't get to pick what diseases you have and it's no exception when it comes to infertility. Just like many cancer patients wonder why their body is letting them down and not functioning the way bodies should normally function, infertility patients wonder too. Many infertility patients have done nothing wrong but have still got the disease, just like many cancer patients have done nothing wrong to bring on cancer. It can strike anybody at anytime.

Many people that commented said that they would never donate because it's like donating for a facelift, a car, or a house. I personally don't agree with these comparisons. Would you donate to someone with a disease that is preventing their body from working properly? Would you help donate to a cancer patient, heart disease patient, etc?

I noticed that a lot of the comments that were made came down to experience, education, and awareness. The people who were going through infertility or have been through treatments in the past were very supportive of donating, while those who hadn't been through it and didn't know much about it were against donating. Of course, the way you come to know most about infertility is going through it first hand. You quickly become very educated on the topic. If you haven't been through it and don't know anyone who has then you usually aren't as aware of the disease. There are now some great organizations out there that are raising awareness of the disease and are helping to educate people. What used to be a topic that was never talked about, is slowly becoming more open and more people are becoming aware. People who are going through it have more support than ever before. Chances are, even if you think you don't know someone going through infertility, you actually do but they just don't talk about it openly.

There were a few people that had good reasons why they would not donate, such as if they didn't know the person, so they didn't know if it was a scam or not. Of course I would agree with this. Nobody wants to be a victim of a scam. The other reason I agreed with, is if the couple asking for donations is out buying the latest and greatest cars, technology, toys, etc. In order to donate I would definitely make sure the couple was using the funds well and also doing everything they could on their part to save as well.

Unfortunately in our society it has become one of entitlement. Many feel they are entitled to things without working for it and putting effort into it. This is not the case with everyone but it happens. Couples asking for donations should still be aware that they are not entitled to donations. It's a blessing that someone is offering to them.

Everyone has their own personal choice as to donate or not. It's a choice that each person can choose on their own and everyone has their own and differing opinions. It was good to see all the different opinions on the post but at the same time it was saddening to see the people that disagreed being quite rude about their disagreement. Even if one disagrees and does not want to donate, it can be said in a respectful manner, keeping in mind infertility is a hard disease to cope with on a daily basis. Rude comments can make the situation even harder on couples facing infertility.

The post and question that was asked was about asking for donations. I do support donations but I am even more supportive of fundraiser style donations. I am willing to give even more when a couple is working hard to sell something for a fundraiser. It's not because I get something in return, but rather because they are very clearly working hard to get the funding for treatments or adoption fees. I am willing to give more in those situations. Nobody wants to give money when they don't know it's going to be used wisely.

All in all I think it's a great idea and opportunity for people to donate when they can. I can't think of anything more joyful than knowing you helped a couple become parents after such a struggle. People who don't know much about infertility should become educated before they make their decision of whether or not to donate.

In the end it comes down to people helping people. Everyone has their own trials and struggles that they have to deal with. You can help people with their trials they are going through, then when you have something you need help with they could be there for you. This not only applies to the world of infertility but all trials that people around you could be going through. Nothing could bring greater joy than people helping people, becoming more Christlike, and helping others through a very hard journey. You never know when that hard journey will become your own.

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 5K

A few months ago Taylor and I heard about an event that was being put on by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood. It was an education event about infertility and other related topics. There were some doctors that came and spoke at the event and we got to hear from a couple that went through IVF. It was a really great event to attend. It gave us a lot of information and some hope for our situation. We learned more about the organization and it is amazing what the organization does. They put on 5ks to help couples with IVF and adoption costs. They also are there to give hope and support to couples going through infertility.

The next 5k they have is in Orem next Saturday August 3rd. Taylor and I have been running for the past little while to get ready for it and we are going to be participating in our first 5k! They announced they will also have a raffle for a free IVF cycle or 50% off cycles. We aren't counting on winning anything. We are just so excited to help other couples going through infertility and get to know others who are struggling with the same thing. Neither of us have ever done a 5k or even been interested in running but we have really enjoyed it as we have been going out preparing for this 5k.

My best friend is also going with us on the 5k and has been running with us. Its great to have the support. A lot of family won't be able to attend with us and put in for the raffle because there is a wedding in the extended family that day as well.

We are really excited for the race and can't wait for it to come next week!