Moving Forward, But Still Looking Back

With the new year coming, I have overwhelmed myself a few times with the thoughts of the coming year. When I think of a new year I often think of simply leaving a year in the past and moving forward with the new year. I set goals without looking back all that much. This week I started thinking of all the possibilities that 2015 will bring. This will be the year we hopefully do our next three IUI treatments. Then I started thinking about it more. Can I really take another three treatments? Can I go through all the ups and downs? Can I handle all the emotions again? Can I handle all the medications? Can I handle the possible heartbreak? All these things kept running through my head and it was so overwhelming. We are excited to move forward, but at the same time we have been through this before. We know how hard it is. We know that there are so many ups and downs with it.

After I was thinking about all of this, I saw a quote on Facebook that said something along the lines of, "gain strength from the past and move forward." It was just what I needed. It really is true. I started thinking back at how far we have come and how much we have been through. We have been on this journey for over three and a half years now. We have been through so much together and we aren't going to give up now. Hopefully this journey to our miracle won't be too much longer, but no matter how long, we will get through it. During the hard times of moving forward we can look back and think of all the things we have been through, including losing 6 babies, 3 IUIs, surgeries, etc. Now when I look back, I can take comfort in knowing that we have come so far already. Bring on 2015!

December Update

2014 has been an amazing year for Making Someday. Over the past 11 months, I have done about 35 books and over 300 quiet book pages. It was a lot of work but it has been so great to do. I have met so many people through it and have received so much positive feedback about the books. It has been a great way to pass the time of waiting for the right timing for our miracle. It has all been so much more successful than I ever dreamed of and I am still going. I started out with 0 pages, but have designed 33 pages. I love adding more patterns to my collection and have a list of ideas I still want to do. It has been so much fun making cute little children happy while we can't have our own with us right now. I am so happy I followed the prompting to start Making Someday. There were so many times that I almost didn't even attempt it.

We have had a lot of ups and downs in relation to our infertility journey over the past year. We thought we would be doing treatments this year but that didn't end up happening due to kidney stone issues. We also miraculously got pregnant on our own and lost babies #5 and #6. It has been a long road but we have worked through it all and are still hopeful for what is to come. Good things are definitely coming.

Now that we have our genetics results back we are moving forward. We have a date set for our next treatments as long as things go as planned. We are very excited to move forward. We really hope these next treatments work, but even if they don't, there is a plan and it will work out in the right time and in the right way. We aren't announcing yet when we are going to start our next treatments but we will definitely keep everyone updated as it gets closer to time.

We want to thank everyone for all the love, support, and prayers that have been received. It all makes a huge difference and it is so great knowing there are so many people on our side. We are excited to keep sharing our journey with everyone and can't wait until we can share our miracle with everyone!

Genetic Testing and Results

Earlier in December I went in to get genetic testing done. Before we move on with our next round of treatments it was recommended that we do some testing to see if we are carriers for some genetic issues. It would either give us more insight to what is going on, or it would confirm that we are clear to move forward with things without any anticipated issues. I was the one that went in for the blood draw. They only have one person go in for the testing and then if something comes back positive on the first person then the second person is tested for those things. Both people have to be positive for something for it to be an issue.

Unfortunately the morning I went in Abby was not there. She is the only that is able to get my blood easily. I used to have really good veins, but ever since the ectopic and all the different blood draws, my veins have become really difficult. It took two different nurses and several pokes to get the blood draw done. They finally were able to succeed, but they had to do it right above my wrist and it hurt really bad! At least they got it though. All of this will be worth it in the end when we have our baby.

December 23rd a nurse from UFC called and said that everything looked normal, and we got the official documents and explanations on December 24th. I am negative for all of the genetic testing that they did and they tested for a LOT of things. It was good news to hear that we don't have any genetic issues and that we are able to move forward with things as planned. We are getting excited for the next steps that are coming!

Update and Angel #6

November 18th we got a big surprise. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We were both really excited but we were also cautious about everything. The next day I went in for a blood test and it came back at 48 which is definitely positive. This was exciting news but we had to wait until Friday to see if it was doubling. They were originally going to wait about a week to do another blood draw but we were supposed to leave for vacation on November 25th so we pushed it sooner. Of course we would be so happy to cancel vacation for a baby but we wanted to see what the numbers were sooner.

We went in to get the next test done Friday morning and we got the results that the number dropped to 13. I was having an early miscarriage. This was devastating. This baby became our 6th angel. We were worried at that point that we still wouldn't be able to go on vacation. I needed to actually have the miscarriage and have my levels drop by Tuesday morning in order to still go on vacation. We both really wanted the vacation still but we also needed to avoid complications. We have had the vacation planned for months. It came about after our last loss. We thought there would be no way we could still go though. It would have to all go so fast in order to be able to go. I went in two days later and my numbers dropped to 5. Later that afternoon I had the actual miscarriage. They usually like to see the numbers under 5. I talked to the doctor Monday night and even though it wasn't below 5 he gave me clearance and told me to go on the vacation. It came down to the wire but we got to go.

Of course we would have much rather been able to have the baby than the vacation but we are so happy we were able to get away and take a break after this miscarriage. We both really needed it. We are so grateful for our family and friends who surrounded us during the difficult time of losing our 6th baby. We had people bring us meals so we wouldn't have to worry about it ourselves, we had countless people praying for us who knew about the miscarriage and many who didn't know. A friend and her husband even came by on Sunday when they found out, and she came armed with chocolate and a hug. It was just what I needed at that time. We are so beyond grateful for all our family and friends, and the love and prayers are constantly felt. Losing this baby has been very difficult as any loss is, but we know that Heavenly Father still has a plan for us. Someday we will have a baby in our arms. We can't wait for that amazing day to come. We look forward to enjoying the holidays together and we also have a date set for our next 3 IUI treatments. We are anxious to see what the future holds.

Comparing

The past few days I have had the topic of comparing on my mind a lot. I have had a lot of people who keep checking on me in relation to my brother and sister-in-law that are expecting. I am doing fine and coping with it. I don't think about it very often, to tell the truth. But does it still hurt? Yes. I am sure it will for a long time and I don't know if it ever will stop hurting. Do I wish we had our little ones in our arms? Of course. A day rarely goes by that I don't think of them.

I have learned over the past years the difference between positive and negative comparing. There are so many times while going through infertility when I have compared myself to others. Some of those times were good things and some were bad. There have been times when I have compared my symptoms and experiences with others to see how their story could help ours progress. Early on I would compare our situation with others we had heard about to see if we could find more clues as to what was going on and why things were not happening for us. For us this was a good comparing. It was a positive experience to be able to learn from others around us and possibly also use our story to help others as well.

However, comparing does not always bring positive results. Sometimes comparing can bring a lot of heartache and despair rather than hope and faith, especially when comparing timetables. There have been many times that I have looked at others situations and wondered why they didn't have to wait long until they could have a baby, why they only had to endure infertility for two years, or why their treatments worked every single time. This comparing never led me to a good place. It always ended with me being so discouraged and wanting to give up. In reality I was only comparing us to other couples that I wanted to compare to. In reality there are so many couples who go through infertility so much longer. We have been going through it for three and a half years now. We know so many people who have been dealing with it so much longer; some even for a number of years in the double digits. Some people never even get their miracle. Sometimes it is hard to see past the blessings that others receive that you want so badly.

We have come a long way in learning about comparing. Every once in a long while we still get caught up in that little trap, but those instances are now few and far between. We have learned to take each couple's story as a separate instance. They have their plan for them and we have ours for us. The plan that Heavenly Father has for each couple is tailored specifically for them, so we really can't compare the length of time or other circumstances. We have learned to compare our story, only to us. That may sound funny at first, but it is true. We have learned that we need to compare our situation now to what it was back then. We have come so far and we are getting so much closer to our miracle. Just a few years ago we didn't even know what was happening. We didn't have any answers. We didn't have a direction. We now have direction and we have come so far in our journey. We didn't know then, and we still don't know now, how long this trial will last, but we do know that we are closer now than we were then. Comparing our timetable to someone else's is like comparing apples to oranges. It does us no good.

Yes, my brother and his wife were expecting a baby right away, but their situation is completely different than ours. I was told in a blessing soon after their announcement not to be sad about it, but rather find to find joy because our situations are completely different and their experience of having a child is, and will be, completely different than ours. We were promised that when our miracle comes it will be the most sweet and amazing experience for us and those around us. This is completely true. Thinking about it, there have been times I have thought, I would rather just have a baby now. However, the reality is, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to get my baby the way they are. They are having a completely different experience. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about and imagining the moment that we get to hold our baby in our arms for the first time. We have worked so hard to get to that place and I know it will happen and it will be an amazing, wonderful, and joyful experience. So when people ask how I am doing since my brother and his wife are expecting, and we still aren't after so much longer, we are fine with it. It doesn't mean that we don't hurt for our situation and wish we had our babies in our arms, but we would much rather have our plan. We know that our plan is perfect for us. We can't wait until those promises are fulfilled and we have such a sweet, amazing experience and be able to share that with those around us. We know it will happen, and that is what keeps us going.

October Baby Update

September and October have been very busy months for me and I haven't had much time to update on everything. Things have returned to "normal" since the miscarriage and we are still moving forward the best that we can. Making Someday is doing absolutely amazing! I have been so blessed in regards to having so much business. I am completely booked out for the rest of this year! I have even had to turn some people away on orders because there is just no way I can physically get all the orders done. I love getting pictures from my customers with their cute children playing with their books. It makes me so happy to see that the books are loved. I continue to get amazing reviews flowing in for all of the orders. I haven't had anything less than a 5 star rating. Before I started Making Someday I had multiple people tell me not to even bother starting a shop because it wouldn't be worth my time and I wouldn't get anything out of it. However, something just kept pushing me to do it. I just had to try. If it failed, then at least I had tried. We have so many more orders than we ever could have imagined. It it getting us so much closer to treatments, when the right time comes along. Heavenly Father is truly helping us to get there.

We have a vacation that we are going to go on in the near future, which is another huge blessing. We didn't know if it would happen or not for us to be able to go. It's nothing huge, but it is at least a vacation and we can get away from life for a bit. A few people have asked us why we are spending a little bit of our personal savings on a vacation when we could put that towards treatments. The answer is, we need a vacation. We have prayed about it and we feel it is what we need to do. We have been through so much in the past three and a half years and we haven't had a vacation. In fact, we have never even been out of the state together! We definitely need this time to take a little break from everything and get us ready to get back at it and make another big push to get our miracle baby.

After vacation we plan to enjoy the holidays, and then as of right now, we are planning on starting treatments again the first part of the year. We have had so many miracles happen that have allowed everything to fall into place so far. There is no doubt that Heavenly Father is helping us with getting our baby here. We aren't anywhere close to giving up. We know more miracles will happen to allow our dreams to come true.

Two Years

At times thinking back two years seems like an eternity, and other times it seems like a blink of an eye. When I think back to two years ago, at times I think it has gone by so fast. We have done so many fun things and have had so many great opportunities. But then days like today come, and that fast two years can seem like an eternity. Our twins would have been two years old, or about that, today. October 6, 2012 was my due date for them. The pain from losing them has not went away. I don't think it ever will go away, but it has become bearable. Some days drag with the pain and heartache of our loss lingering while others go fast as we have hope for the future. Even though we wish so much that they were with us, so much good has happened because of them. We have met so many people and have been able to comfort others in similar situations. Our twins (as well as our other babies) have taught us so much. They are a huge part of our life and always will be. Even though they aren't with us in this life they still have a huge impact.

I thought a lot today about those who have to suffer from miscarriages. It is never easy, but it is so much better when you have someone who has been through it as well, that you can turn to. I was reminded of this even more today as a friend told me that she had another miscarriage. My heart hurt for her as I read her message. I felt the pain she was feeling as I remembered my own losses. I just wanted to help and comfort her and make it all better. Unfortunately it doesn't work exactly like that though. It takes time. I thought of all the people who have helped me through my losses in my life. We have countless people who have helped us through our losses giving us words of encouragement and have helped us to keep going when we thought we couldn't. Today, even though it was partly a sad and painful day, I am so grateful for my babies for giving me this life experience. I am so grateful for the lessons they have brought into my life. Because of them, I can be that person for someone else. I can be there to say, "I have been there too". I am grateful that these babies have not only blessed our life, but have blessed others. We can't wait to be with them again in the next life!

Early Announcement Thoughts

Lately there has been a post going around Facebook about Jill Duggar and her pregnancy. There has been some controversy around it. Here is an article that was written about her announcing her pregnancy earlier than 12 weeks.

http://dailysignal.com/2014/09/04/announced-pregnancy-way-12-weeks-women-consider/

It saddened me to see some of the comments that were made about the article. Some people were saying that a baby before 12 weeks isn't a baby. I definitely differ on that opinion. I have had many people ask why I announce each early pregnancy and miscarriage. Why not keep it to myself? This article shares a lot of the same views that I have. Each one of my babies is so precious to me. They are waiting for me in Heaven. I carried each baby, dreamed about the future of each baby, and did and do love each baby more than anyone will ever know. Even though so many don't count them and say we still don't have a family, we count them, and we do have 5 angel children waiting for us in the next life. Each precious life should be celebrated no matter how long or short that life is. We celebrate each pregnancy as they come and we think about our angels often. We long for the day when we can be with our beautiful babies again. Even though so many around us don't remember them, we do. We always will. They will always be a part of us. Each pregnancy or early miscarriage doesn't need to be celebrated publicly, but each should be celebrated somehow. Each baby is a precious gift from God. Whenever someone mentions something along the lines of, we don't have any kids, our parents aren't grandparents yet, or other related things, I always think in my mind of my precious children. I think about how they will never be forgotten by Taylor or I.  I thought about this tonight as we did our yearly family pictures. How I wish our babies were with us here on this earth, but they are in my heart every second. Each couple should definitely decide what the right timing is for them to publicly share the life they have created, but no matter what the timeframe is, any pregnancy is a precious life of a baby.

Footsteps for Fertility 5k 2014

Today was the big race day. We got up nice and early. We had to get up to the park by about 7:30 to prepare for the race. We ended up with 12 people registering for our team and then us, so 14 total. We got 25 tickets from that to put into the raffle. It wasn't much compared to the over 2,000 tickets that were put in. Many teams had over or close to 100 registrations. You never know though with a raffle. I have seen other raffles in the past for these things where people put in one or two tickets and end up getting a free IVF cycle so you just never know.


We took a couple of pictures before the race started of the people who were actually walking and/or running.

We really loved the race and the location. Liberty park (in Salt Lake City) has so many trees so it is nice and shady and the weather was perfect because it was overcast. My goal for the race was to beat my time from the Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 5K last year by 5 minutes. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it though. I had to stop training because of the pregnancy and didn't have time to get back into my regular running schedule before the race. I was shocked when we turned the corner and saw that we would be making the goal. I beat my time by a little over 5 minutes. That made me happy.

We then took some more pictures. Don't mind my red face. I always get super red.

Before the raffle began we were given a onesie for our miracle baby, whenever it comes. We can't wait to use it.

They then started the raffle. They said that last year they had enough registrations to give out 4 grants. This year they had enough to give out 11 $5,000 grants! That is a huge jump! It is so great to have so much more participation for such a great cause. Our name was not drawn but we are so happy for all the couples who received grants and free IVF cycles. Everyone deserves the chance to have a baby. It was sad afterwards because I saw a few people that had huge meltdowns because they did not get a grant. There were 78 couples but only 13 got something. It is just the way it works. I felt bad for them. Some couples that were chosen have been waiting years and years for a baby, much longer than we have waited. Some have just started their infertility journey. It is hard to see people taking it so hard that they weren't chosen. Of course we were hoping we would have got one too but it isn't the end of the world for us. We are not giving up hope and we will not stop trying. Our miracle baby is coming. 

We keep getting questions about what our plans are for treatment. All we know right now is we are working toward 3 more IUI cycles. When? We don't know. It is really strange because in the past we have known and been pushed to do this doctor appointment or that doctor appointment immediately, and we knew exactly when to do the IUIs. Right now though, we aren't being pushed for a certain time. We are thinking maybe early next year. Finances still need to get into place for them to happen and we are hoping that will happen around the first of next year. We are feeling really peaceful about everything and the way it is happening though. It is a strange feeling to have. We want a baby so bad, but at the same time we just aren't feeling like we need to do the IUIs right now and aren't being pushed for a particular time yet. It is as if Heavenly Father is telling us to take a little breather and just wait it out the next few months. I know a lot of people may not understand that, and it is hard for us to explain, but we are still working on things and moving in the right direction. We have other things that we are lining up and getting into place to be ready for our next treatments. We can't wait to see what the next few months holds for us. We are also anxious for our "Someday" as well. We can't wait to meet our little miracle baby.

The Day That Wasn't Posted

When I posted my series of posts I had to remove this day. I wasn't able to post it because my brother and his wife expecting was not public knowledge (but now it is.) Two days after our miscarriage, my brother and his wife told us that they were expecting. Here is what I wrote that day:

"Sunday August 10, 2014

Today started out so great. Nursery was so much fun with the kids and afterwards we took our puppies to the park to play. When we got home there was a knock at the door and it was my brother and his wife. As soon as I opened the door and saw them standing there I knew something was up. I had the most crazy strong feeling come over me that they were going to tell me they were pregnant. They NEVER come over to our house unless they need something from us. They came in to play with the puppies and we just knew something was up and they finally told us they were pregnant. What a blow! They couldn't have waited until at least a week after we lost our baby? Nope...only two days. We had a hunch this was coming. We had heard from other family members that they wanted to have a baby right away and were even hoping for a honeymoon baby. They have been married exactly 1 month today. It was some of the hardest news to take. They hadn't even been trying a month and they were pregnant like that. Taylor and I both struggled with it the rest of the day. Even though we knew it was coming, it didn't make it any easier on us. We are just barely getting through the fact that we just lost baby #5 and will be still be working towards 3 more rounds of IUI."

That day was a really hard day for us. I had thought about never posting what I had wrote that day, but later felt like I needed to post it. We are not posting it to make people feel bad for us, or anything of the sort. Rather we just had a few thoughts to share. This is a common experience that happens to so many people who are going through infertility and it is so hard to deal with. It may not happen two days after losing your own baby but it happens, and no matter the timing, it hurts. We are getting through it day by day. The happy side of this is Heavenly Father lives and loves every one of us. Just because someone gets a baby and we don't, doesn't mean He doesn't love us. God's plan is perfect and all this pain will be made up for with so much joy and happiness. It also does NOT mean that the person that gets a baby is more "deserving" of a child or will be better parents. Everyone's plan is different. Everyone will have their own directions and things will happen with different timing for different people.

If I could help everyone with infertility understand a few things, these things are what it would be:

• You've done nothing wrong to "deserve" infertility.
• Just because other people have babies, doesn't mean that you would be worse parents.
• When other people have babies, that doesn't mean that it will never happen to you.
• It breaks Heavenly Father's heart too, to see the pain you are in. He wouldn't be putting you through it unless He had an extremely good reason.

Lastly, I just want to say thank you to all those who knew what had happened; for all the phone calls, messages, extra hugs, etc. Your kindness does not go unnoticed. We are not giving up and we are still pushing through everything one day at a time.

An Unexpected Journey: Part 6

Hopefully this post makes sense and comes together the way I hope it will. I have so many thoughts for this post and so many things to say, that I hope I remember it all and that it comes out clear.

First off, I want to say thank you for all the love and support. We had so much love and support through the whole pregnancy and we have had such an outpouring of love during the past week of posts. We have the most amazing family and friends and it means the world to us. All of you are who keeps us going through the hard times. All of the encouragement and reminders that our miracle will come someday are priceless.

We decided to post our pregnancy story this way because it was a lot like how we went through it. We didn't get to know the whole story all at the beginning. There was a lot of waiting. I had so many messages from friends asking if they could just read the whole thing right away, saying that the wait was torture. We kept posting the way we intended though and wanted to post it in the way that related most to how we actually went through it.

I had so many people tell me for sure that we were getting our miracle. This is exactly how we felt as well. Why would we do this series of posts if we weren't? We have posted about each of our angels and they are each such a huge part of our journey with infertility. In the beginning we thought for sure this would be the time we would be bringing a baby home in our arms. We had just went through the whole kidney stone experience and a bunch of other things. In some recent blessings we were told we would be greatly blessed for going to the ER when prompted and for doing some other things. When we got the positive pregnancy tests we thought for sure our someday had come. We were promised great blessings and this, we thought, was one of those great blessings. It was extremely difficult when we found out this wasn't going to be the huge blessing we hoped for. Of course it is still a blessing and miracle that has come into our lives. We have a 5th child waiting for us in Heaven, but the blessing didn't unfold the way we thought it for sure would. We went through such a hard time asking ourselves why this wasn't the blessing we expected? We were told great blessings were coming, but where were they? Why was a 5th baby being taken from us? Haven't we done everything we can? Haven't we shown Heavenly Father we are willing to sacrifice so much and work so hard at bringing a child into our home in this life?  Even though we don't know all the answers, there is a reason for all of this. My brother in law, Hayden, is on his mission in Texas. He wrote me a letter that gave some really good reminders. In fact I am just going to put part of what he said in here, since he said it perfectly.

"Everything will work out. "Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." God will make up for any losses you have in this life in the world to come. Remember the story in the Bible where Jesus is talking with the Pharisees about the blind person? The people ask who sinned: the child before he was born, or the parents. Then Jesus comes in with the clutch and tells them neither sinned, but God lets these things happen so that He can manifest His power to them. These are trying, testimony building times and God is trying to teach us as much as He can because he knows we can handle it. We were specifically chosen to come at this time because of that. Sometimes we just need to "be still and know that [He] is God"."

This letter came at the perfect time. It was right after we lost the baby. We know we have done nothing wrong to "deserve" this. It is just one of those trials we need to go through. We don't know all the answers and reasons right now but we will know more later in life or in the next life. Heavenly Father has a reason for it all. He wouldn't make us go through this if there wasn't a really good reason.

A lot of our family and friends took this loss a lot harder than our previous ones as well. We have had so many come and talk to us and they have cried with us, because they just didn't understand either. This hasn't just been difficult on us, it has been difficult on so many around us. It has not just been a trial of our faith, but a trial for so many of our family and friends as well. So many people just want so bad for us to get our miracle baby. They fast, pray, help us with our business, and our efforts to get our miracle here. We have a friend who came to visit soon after we found out we would be losing the baby and she cried with us. She said, "We have fasted and prayed and we do all these things but you still don't have your miracle. What are we doing wrong?!" It is hard to see our family and friends go through all of this as well. The answer is nobody is doing anything wrong. God has perfect timing and it WILL happen. We just have to wait for the right timing and go through the things we need to go through before we get there.

Once again thank you so much for all the prayers, fasting, and support. It means the world to us and we need as much of it as we can get as we are grieving and healing from this pregnancy and moving forward with future plans. They really do help.

Well, I guess the next question is, where do we go from here? Right now we are just taking things one day at a time. Everything is still extremely painful and we are just taking it all one day at a time. This has been such a hard trial for us and we realized that we have not had a vacation since we were married. In fact, we have never been out of state together. So we are trying to plan a small vacation and take a little break for ourselves. We will see if it actually happens since it is difficult to arrange with work and with Taylor's school, but we want to try to do something.

We have talked to our doctor and he still feels that IUIs could be the answer for us. So we are going to keep saving, and when we feel the time is right we will move forward with 3 more rounds of IUI. If those don't work, we will move forward with IVF. The big unknown answer is if this miscarriage was actually an ectopic that my body took care of on it's own. But we don't have that answer so we just need to keep moving forward with the original plan.

We also have our race coming up in a couple of weeks. We are excited to be doing that. I have not been able to exercise at all for a few weeks because of this whole thing, but I am excited to get back to it and we are looking forward to the race. It will be a great day for so many people. It also gives us a chance at getting IUI treatments sooner. There is still time for people to sign up for our race if you would like. Just go to HERE to register.

Once again, thank you for all of the love and support. We are making it through day by day because of all of the prayers, love, and support from our family and friends. We know that someday will come and we can't wait until we can do these posts again, but at the end announce that our miracle is coming.

An Unexpected Journey: Part 5

Saturday August 2, 2014

The past few days have been really rough. I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for blood work and the levels went up to 125. Still definitely not good at all but we aren't miscarrying yet. I went back again on Friday and they went down to 114 so the numbers are all over the place. We know the pregnancy isn't viable but we just don't know still how it will all come to an end. I keep going back for blood work every few days until my levels go to 0. I have been pretty dang depressed the past few days. It's been so hard. I have just wanted to stay home and do nothing and be by myself. Today we had a family reunion and I really didn't want to go. I didn't feel like being social and I just wanted to stay home and be sad and hurt by myself. We ended up going though and it was enjoyable.

This loss has been another really tough pill to swallow, as every loss is. I never thought we would lose 5 babies in a row. The emotions are so hard. It is so hard to understand why we have to go through so many losses. It is also hard when the loss takes so long. We have pretty much known about a week now that this baby would not be making it but there still is really no end in sight on when it will all take place and end. It is hard when you are hurting so much and hardly anyone around you knows what you are going through at all. They don't understand the unbearable pain both physically and emotionally. Sometimes all we have to hang onto is our promise from Heavenly Father that we will have children of our own in this life. And sometimes when that even seems so horribly far away we just have to find joy in the fact that we are going through this together and at least we have each other to lean on. These past few days have definitely been one of those times where we just don't know how we can get up another morning and make it through another day. We don't know how we can go to the doctor and sit in the waiting room with some people who are expecting their little ones and are so full of happiness, while we are there because we are losing our miracle. It's completely unbearable at times. We are just taking life day by day right now and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute, and we are just trying our best to make it through. We know Heavenly Father will give us the strength we need to make it through no matter how unbearable it becomes.

Tuesday August 5, 2014

Today I went in for another blood draw. The number dropped to 55. That is drop by over half. It is just a matter of time before heaven gains another angel. I had a bit of a break down going in for another blood draw today. I am so tired of having to go get blood draws every other day. It is so draining. When most people are there getting blood work done to find out if they are pregnant or not, I am there because we won't be getting our baby this time. It's hard and I know the nurse could tell I was having a hard time and tried to comfort me the best she could. When they called to give me the results they said they would give me a break from the blood work for a week. I don't have to go back until next Tuesday for another draw. Even if it is still ectopic I am not in any danger right now because the levels dropped so much. I am very grateful for the break. Not only will I get a break from having to go in, but it will give my arms some time to heal. I have had so many draws done that both of my arms are black,  and they are very painful.

Thursday August 7, 2014

Today heaven gained another angel, and we gained our 5th angel. It has been such a rough day. I woke up to extremely horrible pains in my stomach this morning and I just had that sinking feeling that this was it, and it was. I still went to work, having to hold back the tears every now and then. It was fitting that it was a pretty gloomy and rainy day today. It was a sad and depressing day. We love our babies so much and always will. It will be such a glorious day when we are finally reunited with them all. We have one final blood work on Tuesday just to confirm and make sure everything is done.

Tuesday August 12, 2014

Today I had another blood draw. I have had a week break from these, which I enjoyed. The nurse called and told me that my levels had dropped to 0 which I was expecting. I am not in the clear. We don't know if this was an ectopic pregnancy that my body took care of on its own or if it was a regular miscarriage. We wish we knew because everything would be more clear for us moving forward but this will just be one of those questions that won't get answered until the next life.I am happy to be done with the blood work. I guess now we just keep moving forward from here, until we are able to be reunited with our 5 angels.

An Unexpected Journey: Part 4

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Today has been a pretty uneventful day. I spent the day just resting. I wasn't able to go to church and go to nursery which was hard. I missed all the nursery kids. I do have an amazing husband, family, and friends though. I had so many people checking on me to see if I was alright. I had texts, phone calls, and visits. Not too many people know about the pregnancy at this point but the word is definitely spreading. Both mom's brought us in food for dinner which was awesome so we didn't need to worry about meals. My mom and sister even took Mikey for the afternoon and entertained him so he wouldn't bother me with wanting to play all the time. We are so blessed. We had so many people praying and fasting for us today. We have so many people who love and support us so much today and it was so great and overwhelming to feel that today. We are both so nervous anticipating what is to come tomorrow. I have my blood draw at 9:15am but we probably won't hear results until late afternoon. We really are hoping for the best, but the worst is also lingering in the back of our minds. We have faith that Heavenly Father will make the outcome how it needs to be. We will get through whatever tomorrow brings us.

Monday July 28, 2014

Today was such a long hard day. I went in at 9am to get the blood draw done. I then didn't get the results until almost 5pm. It was a long day of waiting. Come to find out the results took so long coming back because they had to be reviewed by the doctor. The results came back the exact same as the first one. The EXACT SAME! How frustrating! Dr. Foulk said he wants me to go back on Wednesday for another blood draw to double check everything and see if they can find a reason for these results. They still want me to do blood draws every other day though because they said they aren't giving up on the baby yet. Dr. Foulk said he has seen this happen many times, and miracles happen and the pregnancy turns out to be normal. They also want to monitor it to make sure it's not ectopic.

This news has been absolutely devastating to us. We have been through so much. We thought this might be our time to get our miracle and our baby, but we still just don't know. My numbers should have doubled so it is very heartbreaking. The doctor said he has seen so many miracles happen though, so you never know. I was happy that the bad news came at the end of my work day though. I only had to hold back the tears for about a half hour. I came home and I was able to just get all my frustrations, sadness, and anger out. Do I understand why this is happening again? No. Is it fair? No. After I was able to get everything out and just be sad and angry for a while I was able to collect myself and just remind myself that it will happen someday, even if this time is not the time.. IT WILL! So many people who go through this don't know if they will ever have a child of their own, but we KNOW. We don't know when or how it will happen but it will. Even though right now it feels like it will never happen and that every time it will just end in heartbreak, it will happen. Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and He has a very good reason to make us go through this. We now just have to wait this out and see how it will all end. Everything will be determined by my next blood draw.

An Unexpected Journey: Part 3

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Today I got up early and went with Sara to the temple. I was excited to go and do a session. I was worried though since I have been feeling pretty nauseous the past few days. The session went really great and it was great to be at the temple as always. I ran a few errands then came home to get ready for my cousin's baby shower. Everything was going as I had planned for my day but then I started bleeding. My heart sank and I immediately started crying. I walked into the other room where Taylor was and he held me and just let me cry for a while. There is still a chance this pregnancy could be fine, in fact they told me it is pretty normal with the progesterone,  but every time this happened in the past it has been miscarriage or ectopic. We both felt so devastated, even though we don't know for sure what is happening. I will be on bed rest the rest of today and tomorrow and then I will get levels done on Monday morning still to see where they are and that will pretty much tell us if this baby is going to make it.  We sat and talked about how we have done everything that we have been able to do to start a family. We have prayed and fasted, had more doctor appointments that we can count, had 3 IUIs, started Making Someday, we also have our race coming up and it still hasn't happened for us. It's extremely frustrating. However, we still have hope. Whether it's this pregnancy or another one we have been promised we will have a baby of our own in this life. Heavenly Father NEVER breaks his promises. We reminded ourselves of that promise. We have to keep going. Whether this pregnancy works out or whether this baby becomes our 5th angel we still have hope and we just have to keep going and pushing through. Yes, it is hard. Extremely hard at times. Sometimes we just want to sit down and give up on everything, but we can't. Taylor pulled out his computer and we watched some conference talks. They gave so much hope and peace to our situation. This isn't easy to go through at all but we can make it through with Heavenly Father's help. He knows whats best for us and our situation. He knows what lessons we need to learn. Our trust is still in Him. We will still get our baby someday, whether that is sooner or later.

An Unexpected Journey: Part 2

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Today I called the Utah Fertility Center first thing this morning. They were surprised we were pregnant on our own and they had me go in right away for some blood work. The blood draw was easy but the rest of the day dragged on forever. I just wanted to hear the results. Finally I got the call. My levels were at 103, which was good for just starting out the pregnancy. They said to come back on Monday to make sure the levels are rising the way they should. When I had my ectopic the highest my levels got were 121 and I was much farther along so I am taking the 103 as a really good sign. It is going to be a long weekend of waiting. However, tonight we went to the Spanish Fork Rodeo. It was fun watching all of the cute kids and it was fun thinking about how we may have a cute little one just months away. This pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle no matter how it ends up. All of this waiting though between blood tests is going to kill me. I just want to know what is going on. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for us though and I trust that things will work out for the best.

An Unexpected Journey: Part 1

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Today has been such a whirlwind of events and emotions. Today after work I headed to Target. My period was two days late. I had talked myself out of going at first but then I gave in and went. I couldn't help it. I walked into the store, walked straight to the right aisle, and picked up the normal box of pregnancy tests. I remember thinking in my head I was just setting myself up for disappointment. It had happened the same way so many times in the past. I purchased the box and headed home. I took the pregnancy test and I was completely shocked that it came back positive! Really? Was this really happening? I started shaking and had to calm myself down. Taylor was still at school working on a lab. I just stood there taking it all in. I waited a while then took another test. Once again...positive. I had so many emotions running through me. I was so excited, yet so scared and nervous. Every time this happened in the past it turned out to end in heartbreak. But why be sad? As far as I know there is a healthy baby in there. I decided we are going to make it a great day and celebrate, because at least for today I am pregnant! I have a little baby inside me! We don't know the fate of that baby, but it is there, and I love it so much.

I decided to take a trip to the store and bought some baby bottle pop candy. I was just going to get that to surprise Taylor but then I couldn't help myself. I went and walked down the baby aisle. I can't remember that last time I did that. But this time there wasn't that horrible heartbreaking pain. Today I could enjoy the baby section. I picked up a box of pacifiers and added them to my purchase. I came home and arranged the items, along with the two pregnancy tests, on the bed then put a load of laundry by the items on the bed. Taylor ended up staying late at school to finish his lab and it seemed like it took so long for him to come home. When he walked in the door he came and said hi. After a few minutes I asked him if he would mind folding the laundry on the bed. He walked into the bedroom and soon came out with the biggest smile on his face and gave me a hug.

It is so crazy. We just don't know really how to feel about everything. We have so many emotions going on at the same time. We are hoping and praying this won't be another miscarriage, ectopic or heartbreak. That is all we have had. It is all we have known. We are hoping this is the time that we bring a baby home in our arms. We are so scared and nervous for where this path will lead us. We are so excited that we have another baby! This is number 5! We love this baby so much already.

After gathering our thoughts for a little bit and after a while of just standing and staring at the baby items and tests on the bed we finally decided it was time to tell the parents. We have always told our parents when we found out. It has been a great decision for us. We know that no matter how it turns out we have their love and support and they will be there for us. We called my mom and she was excited but also apprehensive, as we were. Taylor's mom was just as excited and hopeful. We know there will be a lot of prayers and fasting coming our way. There are so many people that love this baby already.

Tomorrow I will be calling our fertility doctor office to see what we do from here. We haven't been in the process of treatments with them this month, but we are still hoping they will be the ones to do all the testing until we know what exactly will be happening with this pregnancy. There are still a lot of tests to go before we see how this all will turn out. Either way there will be ups and downs. But, for now, we are so enjoying this day. Today we are pregnant, and we have added a 5th child to our family!

July Baby Update

July has been a rough month for us on the baby side of things. We have had so many ups and downs in this one month and it is still not over yet. The first part of July, I was just recovering from the kidney stones. Luckily the stone passed quickly and I ended up not having to miss any work. I had to do my brother's wedding luncheon so I was worried about recovering in time but everything went well and I was able to do the luncheon. The hardest part about recovering from the kidney stone experience was knowing that big bills would be coming in from that one ER visit. I had moments where I started regretting going to the ER but then I just reminded myself of the blessing that said that experience was a test to see if we would go to the ER as prompted even though we knew what they would do for our savings for our baby, and we will be so blessed that we went. I am so grateful that I received that blessing. I have looked back on it so many times through the past few weeks to remind myself that things will work out for the best and blessings are coming.

Sure enough, bills soon rolled in to our health insurance company. I was so shocked and my heart dropped when I saw a bill for about $4,000 just for the ER doctor. This bill didn't include anything but the doctor. I had only seen him for 5 minutes! How could this be? I got on the phone with them and they decided the amount was miscalculated and sent the new amount in. The new amount was $500....Yes.....1/8th of the original amount. That was one BIG mistake on their end. We are so grateful that original amount was not correct. That kidney stone is still super expensive but we know it will all work out. It is sad to see all of our savings go when in just a few weeks that savings was to go for IUIs. (We still have all the money from Making Someday though. We were just excited that our personal savings would make up the difference for treatments. We will just need to wait longer to save up more for that difference.)

Even though this month has been frustrating, we are moving forward with hope and faith in Heavenly Father's plan. He has promised amazing blessings will come from following the promptings to go to the ER. We have definitely been blessed. We have struggled so much this month with so many different emotions and trials but we have grown even so much more closer together. We have also been blessed more through our business, Making Someday. Sales have been amazing and I have been receiving so much amazing feedback from customers. I am so happy I can bring some joy to these children that receive these quiet books. The business is keeping hope alive more, because it's a symbol of getting closer to our baby with each sale. We are also looking forward to our race next month (if anyone would like to join us register here: http://www.active.com/salt-lake-city-ut/running/distance-running-races/footsteps-for-fertility-5k-slc-2014?int=). Not only are we excited for the chance to benefit from the raffle, but even if we don't win anything, we are so excited to be a part of this event. It's great to just go be with people in a similar situation.

We are working our way through all these ups and downs and we know someday we will get our dream we are working towards. We are definitely growing stronger and closer together through this all and we are learning so much. We won't be giving up on our goal anytime soon. We have not been knocked down and we will keep on going as long as it takes.

One Huge Step Back

Today we took one huge step back in our journey to getting our baby. It all started at 4am when I was abruptly woke up by very sharp pains in my left back and my abdomen. I proceeded to walk around the house and got some water and curled up on the couch. By about 6:30 the pain became absolutely unbearable. I haven't felt something so painful since my ectopic and miscarriages. I woke Taylor up as tears were rolling down my cheeks, and he gave me a blessing. The blessing told us very specific instructions of what to do and at the end of the blessing it said after we did what we were told, I would be prompted to go a certain direction.

I walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes and then start massaging my abdomen and back. Taylor decided to try and get me some toast for breakfast even though I had no appetite at all. While Taylor was doing that, I started vomiting. This really scared me. That is when I realized it wasn't just some cramping or something super minor.

I broke down crying again. Not because I was in so much pain, but instead because I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I had a distinct feeling I needed to go. It wasn't just having to go to the hospital that was so heartbreaking, it was knowing that going to the hospital would financially delay our treatments. We have been planning to start treatments in August. It was so close. Only six weeks away we would be trying to bring our miracle to this earth. I could see that dream and goal slipping away right in front of me. However, Heavenly Father has taken care of us and if he needed me to go to the hospital, then I would go. He has never let us down. He has promised a way will be made and we know that will happen, so I called my mom and we made plans to go to the hospital.

We got checked in at the ER and all of the staff was really nice. I was worried about the IV because I was so dehydrated but the tech was able to get it in first try without a hassle. The doctor told me that it could be a lot of things so I would need to get a CT scan done. They needed to decide if it was appendix, gall bladder, kidney stones, or something else. They were able to give me some great pain meds that gave me some relief for a while and the CT scan was painless. The results soon came back that I had a kidney stone. Now it is just a waiting game. I get to wait and endure the experience until the stone decides to pass.

Tonight my dad and brother came over and they helped Taylor give me another blessing. We learned a lot from the blessing. I had previously had some similar pain attacks and they passed without much of a thought. They weren't as severe in pain level as this attack was. I was told in the blessing that those were also kidney stones. I was also told that one of the main reasons for this experience was a test. Taylor and I were being tested to see if we would follow our promptings even when we really didn't necessarily want to. We both had our breakdowns about having to go to the ER. It has been a rough day thinking about how our dreams just took a huge step backward and is slipping farther away when it was so close. We are not giving up though. We will keep going. A way will be provided and our miracle will come. We will do whatever Heavenly Father needs us to do and we know we will be blessed for doing so.

So even though we have this huge step back we are moving forward with faith. We are going to try to be discouraged the least amount possible and look at the positive sides of this experience. We look forward to our race that is coming up in two months and we look forward to all the great things to come. We don't know how long treatments will be postponed but it could be as late as next year. We are not giving up and we will get there someday.

Redefine Vs. Refine

When we went to the infertility awareness event, they had had breakout sessions that we were able to choose from. One of the sessions that we attended talked about things that change when you are facing infertility. That session made us think a lot about our situation.

When people hear the word “redefine”, it usually has a negative connotation to it. Usually it implies that the first plan didn’t work so it is on to plan B or plan C, no matter what the circumstance is. When someone is faced with something like infertility, are they really redefining things? Plan A was to start our family. That plan has not changed. Our plan is to still start a family. If you look at it more detailed though, our goal was to start a family without medical help. That has changed, but is it really a negative? Definitely not. We are grateful for the available medical help that we can access to help start our family. We did not have to redefine what we were doing, we just refined it. Infertility has helped us refine a lot of different things in our life, rather than redefine it.

One big thing that infertility has helped us to refine, and we have thought a lot about lately, is our definition of family. When you ask most people they will say their definition of family includes parents and children. They may also extend their definition to include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. However, most people’s definition of a family includes children.

There was one couple in the session that said they were told at church that they were not a family because they didn’t have children. Even though many people view it that way, Taylor and I have never thought that. After our wedding our sealer was talking to us and he stated then that we were a new family that had just been formed. We agree with him. We have always thought of our marriage as a little family. We have never thought otherwise, even though some people have a different definition of family. So if we have always thought that, then how has our definition of family been refined?

When we were dating and as we started our marriage we would often talk about how many kids we wanted. We never had an exact number but we knew we wanted a large family. I always joked with Taylor and said 100. We wanted a large family though, with 5 or 6 being the minimum. As we look at it now in the present time, we still want a lot of kids. At the rate it is looking though, it’s looking like it will only be one or two. Looking at the future, we want as many as Heavenly Father will bless us with. That is one way our definition of family has been refined. Our views on our family and how our family will be has changed from the past, to the present, and looking to the future.

Not only has our definition of family been refined in terms of how our own family will look in terms of size, but it has been refined in terms of who is included. If you would have asked us before we were facing infertility, who was included in our family we would have said it was us, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. However, if you ask us now, it would still be those people, but our definition has been refined to include a lot more people.

We have an infertility family. Through this journey we have met a lot more people in the situation and they have become a huge part of our support system and our family. We have ward members and friends that we also consider family. They are a huge support to us. We consider our nursery children family. They bring us so much joy and we look forward to the time we get to spend with them each week. Our definition of family has not been redefined, it has only been refined. We like our new refined definition better than our previous one. It has been made better.

This is just one small example of how our trials are for our own good. We have them to make us better people. They are making us better than what we were before. There are many other things that have been refined through our infertility journey, and we are grateful for it all. It is not always easy to see how you are being refined when going through trials but it gives so much hope when you are able to see small glimpses how things are changing for the better. We look forward to the day when a promise is fulfilled and are able to refine our definition of family once again, and we have a miracle child in our arms.

Update: Where Are You At?

Well, we have been getting a lot of people asking us where we are at in our process at this point. I guess it is time for an update on everything.

Making Someday is keeping me extremely busy. At the moment I am working on seven quiet books. I love it though, and it keeps me working towards our ultimate goal. I am so happy I started the business. Not just to help out with getting the finances for treatment faster, but it really makes me feel like I am still working towards our baby while not currently going through treatments. We are so blessed that Making Someday has really taken off. When I opened for business in January my goal was to sell just one book by May. I had so many people tell me that Etsy probably wouldn't be worth it and I probably wouldn't get any sales. However, I just needed to try. I had to do something. As of today, I have sold about 15 books, only one of which was sold to someone I know. These books have went all over the United States and some of them on the list are even going to be going international. I have also sold individual pages and some hand bags. When business started I had only 6 pages that I had designed. My line has grown to over 20 pages! We really are so blessed with this business, and going along with the great business, we are getting closer to our treatments! It is getting so close and I am getting really excited and nervous at the same time. I am excited to take another shot at treatments, but I am also scared to death because it is such a roller coaster and there is sure to be a lot of ups and downs. It is all worth it though to get our miracle.

Going along with the business I need to thank my family and friends. Making Someday is not just my business. I have so many family and friends who are helping me to get orders out the door. This has really become a group effort to get our miracle here. My mom works on the pages a lot as well as my best friend, Sara. I couldn't do it without their help. I also have a lot of other friends who have helped out in these efforts. Sara's mom and sister, Kyla, have helped a lot as well. Taylor does so much of the behind the scenes work and he is amazing to help out. He runs to the store to get us things so we can keep working, he ships the books for us, and he has built a new website for the business. There are many other people who have helped out as well and I appreciate all of it. It all reminds me of a blessing I had once that said something along the lines of our miracle would come through the faith and efforts of Taylor and I, but also through the faith and efforts of our family and friends. Thank you to all those who have helped out in any way! Without you I would not have been able to take as many orders as I have.

On the treatment timeline side of things it is getting closer to when we will be able to start treatments. Finances aren't the only factor that goes into our treatment time though. This is definitely something that is on our minds a lot and we have been praying about it a lot. Right now the plan is to start treatments again at the end of summer. That could always change though. We are just moving forward and trusting in Heavenly Father's plan.

Our race is coming up fast. Only about 3 more months until the Footsteps for Fertility race. We are getting very excited for that as well. We are also so grateful for everyone who has signed up for our race, and those who are planning on signing up. Every registration gives us a better chance at winning. It will be a great day for sure. There is not a single couple at the race who is not deserving. Everyone deserves that chance to get help to become parents. Miracles will happen that day, and because of that day.

During this time we have had a break from treatments I have also been working on health issues. With PCOS and Hypothyroidism it is very hard to lose weight, and extremely easy to gain it. I have two conditions that are not on my side. At least I know more about it all now and it makes a lot more sense. I am grateful we now know I have these conditions. I had them for years and didn't know until recently. My doctor has talked to me about it and he said it is much harder to lose the weight. He said where someone else could lose 5-10 pounds in a month, I would be doing good to lose 1-2 pounds in a month. It really stinks when your body doesn't work the way it is supposed to  and you have to work so much harder to get results. I have had amazing support of family and friends though and I am definitely making progress. I am down 10 lbs to date. That doesn't sound like much for almost 6 months of work but it was hard to do that. I am still moving forward with it all though.

Once again, we are so grateful for all the love and support from all of those around us and we are excited to see what the future holds. We will keep doing updates as the time gets closer for treatment, but it is definitely getting close. Thank you for all of the prayers as well. Thank you for helping us get our miracle here!

Taylor's Story

Infertility is a word that I never really thought much about until I was in the middle of it. You would hear every so often of families that were faced with infertility and often would either end up with their own child further down the road, adopt, or just not have children at all. Before being faced with it, it was mostly just a story you would hear about in the background of everything else going on in life. I felt bad for those going through it, but it seemed like an awkward subject to get involved in. Now I am in the middle of it, and it isn’t anything like what I thought it would be.

To start, men and women have different experiences through infertility. I won’t even try to act like I understand what women go through, but women may never understand what men go through either. I am hoping to explain what I have gone through at least to some extent so that others might get a glimpse into the other side of the fence at least in my experience with it.

My experience with infertility mainly is based on my wife’s experiences, since most of my life now that I am married is lived through her. When she is sad, I feel her sadness. I feel responsible (even if I didn’t cause it), and I feel deep emotional pain that I can’t really describe. When I see her cry, I feel an absolute and real need to resolve whatever made her cry; and then make her happy. Anything less than fixing the issue and making her happy means that I have failed in my purpose as her husband; I have failed my expectations as a man; I have failed my Heavenly Father who entrusted me with her; and I have failed myself and feel ashamed. If I can’t provide for the basic needs of my wife, what else matters? It sounds dramatic, but infertility is a dramatic experience and especially dramatic for my wife (and therefore me).

My experience with children and infertility, emotionally, started for me long before we were married. I was raised with young siblings from the time I can remember and involved as the oldest with raising them. I grew up with both young siblings and young cousins and knew a lot of what to expect when it came to children. Of course I also knew very little at best about being a father, but I could say that I could understand children to some extent. When we decided to have children, I was nervous to be on the other side of the fence (as any first time father is), but was even more excited to be able to fulfill part of my purpose in life as a father.

Time went by and we started to realize that something wasn’t normal. We knew that some couples took a long time to have their first child, but that didn’t seem to be the issue. We felt something wasn’t going right. I can’t describe it, and it wasn’t a big or alarming thing at the time, but it would soon play a big role in all of this.

We got married in the summer, and as the months went by for me, I started school and my main focus changed from having children to providing for my family (through getting an education that would provide a secure income someday). My wife and I started to get into her new job and it was a small moment of distraction from the problem we were about to face. Nobody knows what they are about to go through during this step since they barely know that they are having a problem.

It was a few months after this time that it started hitting us in waves. Each wave hits harder and harder as time goes on. Some only have to face a few of these waves before they have children and think they understand what the following waves are, but they can’t really know.

           

Our first wave came when the word infertility was first mentioned. It was something that I never thought I would hear in my marriage. It took me off guard and made me start to really think. Accepting you have a problem is hard. It is even harder when you know nothing about how to fix it. That is when we started doing research on the subject (which is surprisingly hard for me since there are no helpful articles from a man’s perspective or very many examples of men fighting through it. I started learning about the miracle of childbirth more than I ever had before. I used to only really know the general birds and bees explanation and what little I learned in school on reproduction. It was hard trying to figure out on your own what was going on and how to solve it when it is a miracle to start with. It is also awkward at first since most of the process occurs after the men do their part. I learned more about reproduction than I ever wanted to know.

           

The second wave was the hardest. This wave isn’t felt by all who go through infertility and many will go through infertility without ever facing it. It started with exciting news that my wife was pregnant! It was so wonderful to see the glow in her eyes as she told me. We tested multiple times and even took pictures of the tests to show that we were definitely pregnant. My wife seemed overjoyed and started planning for the baby. I think seeing her so happy, watching her so relieved that we didn’t have a problem and seeing her so excited would later hurt the most …it hurts so much now to remember the joy for finally having something so important to her. Bad news soon followed.

           

This part was such a blur to me. I was busy in school and work and only remember this in parts. I will leave it to my wife to give the order of things.

           

During this time, I just remember one hard experience after another. I remember my wife at one point mentioning to me that she was getting cramps and spotting. We were nervous that things might be going wrong, but we were hopeful that things would go well. I then remember my wife letting me know that she was miscarrying. After getting a glimpse of what it would be like to have a baby and getting so close, it all fell apart in an instant. We struggled and worked to pick up the pieces. I wouldn’t wish miscarriage on anyone, especially those struggling with infertility.

We soon discovered that it wasn’t the end of the story. My wife texted me during church, which I didn’t think was just going to be an update on how she was feeling. She had stayed home because wasn’t feeling very good. I was a little worried but thought that it was something to do with the aftermath of the miscarriage or something. The text let me know how wrong I was. She told me she was in a lot of pain and could barely stand up, and wanting me to come home right away. I ran as fast as I could from the church to the house (being out of shape and having exercise induced asthma didn’t help and made it very hard to breath). I didn’t even make it home by the time her parents had gotten to her and picked me up on the way. I was physically hurting but happy to be with my wife. It was hard to see her in so much pain and I felt hopeless to help. We drove to the doctor’s office where the doctors checked her out. We found out later that she was going through an ectopic pregnancy. This meant to us that there were probably twins and we had only lost the first child. The second was stuck in her tubes and would need to be removed. My wife told me that if they didn’t end the ectopic pregnancy, that it could kill her. After some more appointments to the doctor/hospital, they decided to give her a chemotherapy shot to end the pregnancy. I had no idea how serious ectopic pregnancies were at first. Now I do. I remember getting calls during school with more and more bad news leading up to this point. Each call was so hard to take in and made going to class and doing work so difficult. Who cares about rules of accounting and writing business papers when your wife is getting chemotherapy shots at the hospital to terminate your child right after a miscarriage?  

Soon the doctors were able to confirm that the chemotherapy worked and everything was okay. “Okay” is something I wasn’t really familiar with at this point, but I trusted the doctors and………..what? What do you do then? How are you supposed to handle life normally after that? What are you going to do tomorrow that will really mean anything? You just lost two babies through the eyes of your suffering wife. You couldn’t fix it. You couldn’t help. You can only just go through the motions of the day and act like it means something to you. Wake up…face the feelings of pain…go to work…go to school…come home…face the pain in your wife’s eyes…work on homework…go to bed…wake up…start again. It follows you wherever you go. You get distracted from time to time, but it is quick to return. I have learned that smiles are sometimes another form of tears; another way to handle the pain.

It may have been bearable, except for the fact that we still were struggling with infertility through it all. We keep trying to have faith that it will come, but this may have been our only experience with pregnancy or having children for a long time. This would later become a reality.

We soon found ourselves wanting to really put effort into it again. We started doing more research, and soon found ourselves going to an OBGYN to see what they would recommend. They did tests and decided that we should do a surgery to find if there was something wrong physically with the inside of my wife’s body. We scheduled the appointment and got ourselves as ready as we could. She was nervous and so was I. I can’t stress how much I don’t want her to be in pain. It hurts me to watch her hurting. Again, nothing I could do. I gave her to the doctors trusting that she would be okay with them and hoping that they could give her the answers she wanted that would make her happier (since it would give us a direction to go or fix the problem all together). Just a thought, they really need to get comfortable chairs in the waiting room… just saying. That and something to actually get your mind off of the updates screen.

Time passed and the doctor came to tell me what he found. I prepared myself for a lot of things, but he surprised me. “Nothing is wrong”. He didn’t find anything wrong at all. He said everything was normal and there was nothing he could find that would physically cause a problem (no growths, bumps, or other things I can’t recall off the top of my head that he was looking for). Well…that is… good? Now what? When the doctor tells you there is nothing wrong when something is wrong…it is hard to figure out what to do. If everything should be working fine and looks good, then why isn’t it? To say the least, I had to tell her. I had to take the hope in her eyes, crush it, and see that familiar pain take its place again. It takes so long to build hope during infertility, and I can’t describe how hard it is to watch all the work and time that was put into that hope suddenly vanish. It is an empty feeling.

So many more months went by. Wake up… go to work…come home… go to bed…wake up…start again. My wife did more research into what the next steps should be. We ended up finding an infertility doctor that has had a lot of success with helping people have children. Our first appointment was very helpful with Dr. Foulk. He explained everything to us, and it made sense. We talked about our plans for getting pregnant. We would do IUI treatments. At first, we understood that we only had to do one at a time and could take breaks in between. We ended up finding out that it was best to do them in groups of three. That was unexpected to us both emotionally and financially. We saved our money and made it work. We ended up doing one group of three IUI treatments with no success. The next group of treatments would be more expensive to go through, so we would have to save up.

More months went by. My wife started a business on the side making quiet books so we could pay for the next treatments. She has been able to find success up to this point in making them. It has become a good distraction (something to work on) until we are able to afford the next steps. I have learned that it is important to find distractions, or things to work on, during hard times.

We also ran into an emotional time when we hit our year mark since losing the twins in the ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage. That was hard to go through, especially for my wife.  

So that brings us up to today. We are still working hard to save up for the infertility and hoping for the future. It’s still hard to feel like I can’t just fix it, but I know that together, we will someday make it through. 

100 Reasons to be Grateful

A few weeks ago I was challenged by someone to come up with 100 reasons to be grateful for infertility.  I was told there weren't that many reasons to be grateful for it, but I had a differing opinion. Taylor and I worked together to come up with a list, and we finished it on Sunday, April 6th, while sitting in the conference center in Salt Lake waiting for the morning session of conference to start. Here is what we came up with (these are in no particular order):

1. Without infertility we would not have all the friends that we do now.  We have met so many people through this trial that we wouldn't have otherwise. They are some amazing people and have been such a great support and help through our journey.

2. We have learned in greater depth to trust in God's timing.  He plans everything out perfectly. His timing is not random by any means.  He knows the time frame of what is coming in everyone's lives and times everything accordingly. For example,  God knew about Taylor's brain tumor and knew when we would learn about it. Just months earlier we lost our twins. We would have had two brand new babies at the time of Taylor's surgery. Even though we wish we had our babies, we do see the wisdom in God's timing, and are grateful for it. The timing for our whole situation has been and will continue to be perfectly timed by God. We would not understand this concept to the depth we do if it weren't for infertility.

3. Through this journey we have become grateful for the understanding that trials can be a huge blessing as well. We have learned this to a much greater depth because of our infertility journey. Just one example of this is even though we wish we had our babies, our miscarriages have been a huge blessing.  If I were going through infertility without the knowledge we could be pregnant (since we have been pregnant) it would be much harder. The blessing of having the knowledge that I can get pregnant t(hat came from our miscarriage trials) has been a huge blessing and has kept us going throughout our whole journey.

4. The whole journey in general has made mine and Taylor's relationship much stronger than what it would have been otherwise. Going through something so hard, with so many different emotions, stresses, pains, etc. has pushed us to lean on each other even more. It is great to know that we can get through anything if we have each other.

5. Infertility has allowed us to do things that we wouldn't be able to with children, or would make it harder. We have been able to take trips to all the Utah temples to do baptisms and endowment sessions,  attend events, and go places when we probably wouldn't have been able to with children.

6. Through our infertility we have been blessed with four Angel babies. Even though we miss them and would love to have them in our arms we are grateful they are ours and we will get the opportunity to raise them in the next life.

7. Because of infertility we were introduced to Footsteps for Fertility. We probably wouldn't have learned about them without this trial. It is such a great organization that helps so many people on their journey to parenthood and raises awareness for infertility. We even get the opportunity to participate in the upcoming 5k in August.

8. Another great organization we were introduced to was Pound the Pavement for Parenthood (PPP.) We were able to participate in the Orem 5k race last year and plan on participating in more events this year, to help out others on their family building journey. We would not have known about the organization or have the chance to help out without the infertility diagnosis. This is another amazing organization that has connected us with other people facing infertility. We  have gained a lot of friends and support through this organization.

9. Infertility has made us more aware of other's struggles. Whether people around us are facing infertility or a different battle, infertility has made us more aware of what others are going through around us no matter what that may be. 

10. One of the greatest things I have loved hearing is another mother telling us that our trial has made her hold her children closer and cherish them more. Infertility has allowed us to do this for others. 

11. Not having a child has made it easier for Taylor to focus on school. Even though we would love a child right now, it would be hard for Taylor to have a new baby at home while going to school.

12. In this day and age I believe there are a lot of people that take having children for granted. A lot of people think it just happens for everyone and its no big deal. But it is a big deal. Every single child is a big deal. Because of infertility, when we do get our miracle it will make us even more grateful to have our children.

13. Infertility has allowed us to have more preparation time for our children. We have had more time to think about how we want to raise our children and about what kind of parents we want to be. We have also had more time to prepare our house, and things for a baby. 

14. Our journey has allowed us to gain more knowledge on how to receive revelation for ourselves. We have had many people tell us to take this route or that route or do this treatment or that treatment. It all gets quite confusing and frustrating at times when you don't know what to do. This is just one more experience in our lives that has allowed us to learn how to gain our own personal revelations on what we are to do for our situation.

15. Infertility has allowed us to have more time to do temple work. We love doing temple work. We have many names we have done baptisms, initiatory, and endowment for. We love seeing the names go through each step. We are grateful for the time we have to do all the work we have. When many parents struggle getting to the temple once a month because they have children, we have been able to go a lot more often and there have been many times we have been given the opportunity to go several times a week, or even several times a day.

16. Infertility has given us a greater knowledge that trials are not a punishment. Trials are necessary for our eternal salvation. We are given trials to help us become better than we would be able to otherwise and sometimes the trials that we have are a blessing to someone else. We are not hated, nor have we done something wrong to deserve a trial. Trials help us get to where we need to be. Infertility has given us a much greater understanding of this concept.

17. Through the many hard days there have been so many instances when small things as simple as a smile or a hug have made all the difference in the world and have helped us through our days. Infertility has shown us that even the smallest acts of kindness can make the biggest difference and reminds us to do those small simple acts of kindness more often for others. We are so grateful for that reminder that infertility has given us.

18. I have always appreciated the priesthood, but infertility has given me a much deeper appreciation for it. It's so great to be able to ask my husband for a blessing whenever I need it to help me through a certain day, week, or month. I am so grateful to have a worthy priesthood holder in our home.

19. Because of Infertility we have learned to become a lot more resilient. With infertility there comes a lot of ups and downs. Things could be going right one day, then the next everything could fall apart. We have learned to bounce back better and faster from all of the negatives. Its hard to get a negative result after a test. We can either stay down about it or pick ourselves back up and hope for the best with the next try.

20. Infertility has made us become more aware of parenting styles and issues. There are many times we will observe a particular incident either in church or out in public and it will start conversations where we discuss what we would do in those situations. We have been working toward our child for years, and it has made us much more observant of the different issues around us.

21. We have quite a few pets. Mikey our puppy, Sammy our Lovebird, and our fish tank. I love having these pets. I know we wouldn't have them, or at least as many of them without infertility. There is no way Taylor would have let me get all of them if it weren't for me wanting something to take care of. They have brought us a lot of happiness while we are continuing on our journey. 

22. Infertility is one of those things that sometimes makes you face your fears head on. It definitely made myself face my fear of giving myself shots. I have had friends before with diabetes who need to give themselves shots and I have always thought to myself that I would never be able to do it. Well I have done it. I just had to remind myself of the greater outcome that would hopefully come from it. It may seem like such a small thing to a lot of people, but it was a huge accomplishment to be able to give myself all the shots.

23. Not only does infertility help you face your fears, but it helps you set goals you never thought you could accomplish. I always thought people who ran 5k races, half marathons, or marathons were amazing and never thought I could ever do one. However, we made the goals to run the PPP 5k race last year and we did it! We didn't get a good time at all but we did finish and it was a great feeling. I never thought I would ever run a 5k but infertility pushed me to do it. The race was for such a great cause. We will even be doing more this year. I think I am becoming addicted to it.

24. Infertility has led us to the world of blogging. We would never have our blog without infertility. We have been able to reach so many people and help others with the same trial through this blog. We were so scared at first to start the blog and didn't know if we should. After reading other's blogs and after a blessing telling me to start the blog, we started it and it has been great. We were so scared about how other's would react and what would come from it, but it has been great and we are grateful for it.

25. Patience is not our strong point at all. It has been hard waiting so long for something that we want so much. We have gained a lot more patience skills though, and we know that things will work out when they are supposed to. There are definitely still times when we are very impatient and we just want it all right now but we have definitely learned how to have more patience than we did before.

26. Going through all this has given us a greater understanding of the plan of salvation and eternal life. We know that there is a next life and we are working towards getting there. We also have a greater understanding that we will get to raise our babies in the next life.

27. I have always loved writing in my journal but after the infertility diagnosis I have become much better at writing more in depth and heart felt journal entries. I have learned to pour everything out into my journals. It has been so great to learn to do that better and it is always great to be able to go back and read them and see how far I have come.

28. When couples are diagnosed with infertility the natural thing is to set out a plan for what steps to take. We did the same thing. However, at first we were just focused on the plan that we worked on with the doctor. Through infertility we have learned to instead rely on God's plan and trust in His plan. His plan is the better plan. We have learned to not just focus on our plan, but to trust in God's plan.

29. Infertility has given us greater appreciation for our home teachers and visiting teachers. They have always been there to see how they can help and check in on us. They have been amazing and have given us a great reminder that we need to also visit those assigned to us and help them out in the same way.

30. We have been blessed with so much. Infertility reminds me of this quite often. Whenever I start feeling frustrated and discouraged I try to start naming off things that we have been blessed with. It helps to put things back into perspective. I am grateful I have learned this coping tool.

31. We have learned how much we love our family, both future and current, and we have learned how much we will sacrifice for them. They have been there to support us through it all and it has made us appreciate them even more.

32. Infertility has allowed us to bring greater awareness about the disease to others.  We have had many people tell us they didn't know what infertility was all about and what it all entailed until they heard our story. 

33. Not only have we had the opportunity to bring more awareness to others but we have been able to educate them on a deeper level on issues as well, such as the process, costs, what to look for, emotions, etc.

34. Through our whole journey we have been blessed to be able to see how much love and support we have. We have such amazing friends and family.

35. Because we have had this journey, we have been able to help others through their similar journeys. We have had many people who have contacted us with questions about what to expect and what we have been through. We are grateful we have been able to help others.

36. Infertility has made us much more aware of comments that can be potentially hurtful to others, and we are grateful for this awareness. Some comments that may seem harmless to some can really be hurtful to others, depending on what burdens they are bearing.

37. Infertility has shown us how much strength we have and how much we can get through with Heavenly Father helping us along the way. We never thought we would be able to get through any of the things we have, but we have done it and continue to do it.

38. This trial has helped us learn to a greater extent about how much hope we can have in a greater plan. This isn't going to continue forever and things will get better. We will even get help along the way. It is so great to know that there is a greater hope with Heavenly Father's plan.

39. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom until I was pregnant for the first time. I always thought I would work. However, through this journey I have come to realize that my dream is to stay at home with my children. It would be heartbreaking for me to have to leave them with someone else while I worked. Even though that still may have to happen for a little while, depending on when our miracle comes, it won't be as long as it could have been. Taylor will be graduating in two years and the plan is for him to be able to take over the income and I can stay at home at that point if we have children by then or I can stay at home whenever we are blessed with our miracle. Since we haven't had our miracle as soon as we hoped I won't have to be away from home for as long, if any at all.

40. I have always been a pretty good at budgeting. I guess that is something that goes along with being an accountant. However, this journey has made us become even more financially aware and budget even more. We have learned ways to  be more frugal with what we have and really think before we spend anything.

41. Going along with budgeting I don't think I would have ever gotten into couponing and price matching without this journey. I started a little while back with couponing, then added price matching. It saves TONS of money. I have also been able to teach others how to do these things to help them save money as well.

42. Without this journey we never would have gotten into some political issues that have come up. With the new infertility bill being passed in Utah, we know we wouldn't have participated in that as much. We are grateful we were able to experience the passing of the bill to a greater extent, with it having a greater meaning to us.

43. Through this journey we have both learned much more about having meaningful prayer. When you put your true feelings and intentions into prayer and really pour out your heart, it is a much greater experience. We have also learned more about how to really listen for answers after prayer, rather than just say prayer and get on with what you are doing.

44. With having lost four babies through this journey it gives us an even greater desire for eternal life so we can be with our babies again.

45. Going through everything we have we have learned to a greater extent how to enjoy the journey, not just endure through it. We have learned to take advantage of the little opportunities and the simple pleasures of life and make the best of things.

46. Having to wait for our miracle has allowed me to find other hobbies and interests that I probably wouldn't have tried otherwise. I tried making a quiet book to help me with some of the waiting. I have also experimented a lot with cooking, and other craft and sewing hobbies.

47. We have learned to a greater extent that things do not always come easy. In Utah especially, it is easy to fall into the mind set that it just happens. When you look at others around you, you think it is all so easy and won't take much to get your little miracle. It has changed our perspective with it all and we have learned how many people around us really are struggling, or have struggled with the same thing.

48. Scriptures have become an even greater tool for us than they ever were before. We have really learned how to search the scriptures for specific answers, and have learned out to get more revelation from the scriptures.

49. We have been able to learn much greater communication skills through this trial. We have had to learn how to really communicate the way things are with others when questions are asked and when we are talking about a topic that is so important and sensitive.

50. We have been able to learn in much greater depth that we are never alone. Infertility is a disease that leaves many feeling very alone in the trial but have been able to see so many times that we are never alone and Heavenly Father will always help us through.

51. Through everything we have been given many moments of peace. It is such an amazing feeling when you are worrying about how things will work out and you just get a peaceful feeling. We have really learned to enjoy and take advantage of those moments of peace that Heavenly Father gives us.

52. We have had the opportunity to learn how precious life is through the perspective of infertility. Life is a miracle and we shouldn't take those around us for granted.

53. We have learned not to fear what is coming in life. There is no reason to worry and be afraid of what is to come. You just need to have faith in God and his plan and know that everything will work out. No matter what is coming you will be given the strength to get through it.

54. When Heavenly Father gives someone a trial, He is trusting them to make the best of that trial. When people are given a trial they can either grow closer to Him or grow the opposite direction. We have learned that He is trusting us with these difficult trials and He is trusting us that we will make the right choices with it.

55. Many times people fall into the trap of thinking when they make a sacrifice they will be rewarded for it right away. Instant gratification does not always happen. We are grateful we have been able to be an example of this. We have had many people tell us they have kept going and pushing through what they are going through because they have seen us do it and they continue to see us do it.

56. We have learned to a much greater extent that there is a difference between enduring and enduring well. People can endure and get through things while complaining and being negative about the situation. It makes it much more enjoyable though if you endure it well and make the best of the endurance.

57. Infertility has made us more cautious when communicating with others because just like us, they could have some behind the scenes battle they are facing. Sometimes you never know what others are facing, and are up against. We are grateful we have seen that and are able to be more aware of what others may be going through and be more cautious to their situation.

58. Everyone needs someone to lean on at some point or another, and just like others have been there for us to lean on, we have been able to be there for others to lean on us while going through similar things. We are grateful we have been able to be a support to others.

59. We have learned more about accepting others differences and trials. Everyone has their differences and some of them come from trials but everyone should always still be included and loved no matter what their circumstances may be.

60. Having infertility is giving us something to look forward to. We know our miracle is coming and we get to look forward to it while we are working on getting to that point.

61. We have learned more about how a little encouragement can go a long way. Just a little "Keep going!" or "You've got this", can give so much hope and help to someone who feels like giving up.

62. Infertility has made us much more grateful for the human body. It is so amazing all the things it can do. Even just thinking of your hand and all it can do, how many muscles and bones there are, how it all works is amazing. We are grateful for all our bodies do for us.

63. During this journey we have had some people talk to us, not know what we were going through, and saying they were going through something similar and thought they were the only ones going through it. We have been grateful we have been able to tell them in these situations that they were not alone because we were going through the same thing.

64. Because of Infertility and blessings that we have had we know that we will get to be part of a miracle when our little one does come.

65. We are excited that not only do we get to be a part of a miracle when it does happen, but others will also get to be a part of a miracle as well. Many people will get to experience this miracle with us in some way or another.

66. We have learned much more how to be humble through our trials and circumstances.

67. Infertility brings with it a lot of roller coaster emotions. We have learned how to cope with crazy emotions and so many ups and downs.

68. We have learned that sometimes it is really okay to be open and vulnerable about your situation. We were so scared to tell people what we were going through because that was making us really vulnerable in a sense. We were sharing something really important and personal to us, but so much good has come from it.

69. Infertility has helped us to put our focus on the most important things in life. We know what is most important to us and we are focusing on those things.

70. Infertility has made us become more creative. While trying to save money for our treatments we have become more creative for dates. They don't have to be expensive or cost anything at all. We have found the dates that don't cost anything are the best dates we have had.

71. Because of Infertility we have been able to learn much more that serving others through a hard time you are going through does make things better. It makes you so much happier to help someone else through a hard time even though you are going through one yourself.

72. Infertility has helped me to become healthier in general. I used to not think much about my health until this situation came up.

73. Infertility allowed my doctors to find another health issue I had. I struggled a lot of some symptoms for years but just recently found out what it was. It probably wouldn't have been found without infertility.

74. I have always thought about starting my own business, and because of infertility I actually did it.

75. This infertility journey has made us much more open to fundraisers. We always see fundraisers posted on Facebook and you hear about them all the time. There has always been so many of them, and many times wouldn't really look at them because there were so many. This has made us much more open to fundraisers and we usually try to help with them now even if it is just a few dollars. We have learned that any little bit helps.

76. Many times it's easy in the infertility journey to just get caught up in following what the doctors says and just go with it. We have learned though that it is so important to follow our own instincts. For example, the ectopic pregnancy was caught early because of a feeling I had and I acted on that feeling, Directions have been changed in treatment because of feelings that we had as well.

77. Through this experience we have learned more about sacrifices. People in general do not like making sacrifices but in the end they make the reward so much greater.

78. Everything that happens has a positive side and a negative side. We have shown how much better life is when you look at the positive side, through this infertility journey. Even when we get a negative result, we can be upset about it or we can remind ourselves that it just wasn't God's timing and it will be positive in the future.

79. We have learned from a different perspective of how much God loves His children. I have heard so many people say He is mean, but He really isn't. He gives us trials because He loves us and he wants us to progress and return to Him.

80. Infertility has allowed us to have more Faith in God's promises. He has promised us children and some days, His promises are the only thing that we have to hold onto and keep us going. He has promised us though and we have faith that those promises will be fulfilled.

81. Through difficult trials it is okay to ask for help from others. It has always been hard for me to accept help or ask for help but infertility has really pushed me to be okay with this.

82. Infertility has allowed us to meet and work with some really great doctors and nurses. We have such a hopeful doctor, and the nurses are all so great to work with and give us so much strength to keep going and not give up. It is so wonderful when you have doctors and nurses that truly care about your situation.

83. Infertility has helped us to learn how to align our will with God's will. Sometimes the path we see for ourselves is different that what God sees. We have learned to take a step back and look and see what our path is and then try to find out what God's is and change ours to match His.

84. Through this trial we have learned really well how to give people the benefit of the doubt. When people say something that comes across hurtful, we have been able to take it and flip it and just remind ourselves that they probably just don't understand exactly what we are going through or what we are feeling.

85. We have stayed awake talking on many nights of how someday we just want to be able to help others in our situation. We think it would be fun to be able to pay for treatments for someone or at least pay for part of it. Infertility has helped us to set more goals that are geared towards helping others in our situation.

86. Infertility has helped us to have a positive outlook on life in general. Many people think life is horrible and no good comes from it, but it has really helped us to have a positive outlook and know that good things do come from it and helps us to look for those things that are good in life.

87. I have heard many times of people saying they are just one person so it wouldn't matter if they did something. Infertility has allowed us to see how much of a difference just one person really can make. What may seem so small to someone can really make a huge difference for another person.

88. Infertility has helped us to be more in tune with the spirit constantly and we have learned to follow the promptings that we are given. Being in tune with the spirit brings so much comfort and peace to such a hard situation.

89. Infertility has made us so much more grateful for our nursery calling. We have really learned to love the children as if they were our own and we are so grateful for the opportunity to have some fun with other's children during the time we don't have our own.

90. We have been able to learn through infertility how much each baby that is born is a miracle. If even just one hormone is just a little off, or if the smallest thing is wrong, a pregnancy won't occur. Everything has be right on track. This has given us such a greater testimony that every child is a miracle.

91. Because of having to wait longer for our little one to come we have learned how much of a responsibility it truly is to raise one of God's children. We have seen many around us who just think oh it will be fun to have a baby, and buy the toys, and the cute clothes. While all that stuff is fun, it is also such a big responsibility to raise one of God's children in the correct ways so that your child can return to Heavenly Father again. That is a huge weight and responsibility that comes with having a child.

92. We have learned to a greater extent not to take the things God wants us to do lightly. I have been told at many times to focus on a certain topic on my blog, or to do a certain thing for someone and it's always crucial to do those things. It will not only impact you and your life but someone else's.

93. Because we have had to wait longer for our miracle we have had more time to improve ourselves. We have been able to work on things we need to work on and move towards becoming the people and parents that we want to be.

94. Infertility has allowed me to develop my career more and get more experience in my work. If we had our miracle now I would have to work at a lower level job to get more flexibility. I am grateful for experience that I have gained in my career in case I need it later on in life.

95. We have been able to see, through infertility, to a greater extent that God bases trials around greatest desires. If trials weren't based around our desires we wouldn't have as much reason to progress and grow closer to Him.

96. We have learned at a deeper level that God is the miracle worker, not the doctor. God uses that doctor to be able to help us get our miracle but God is the one that actually makes it happen. Even the most knowledgeable and talented doctor can't make something happen if it is not God's will.

97. We are grateful that through our infertility journey we will be able to show those around us that miracle really do happen and that miracles really can come from trials.

98. We have learned much more about the Atonement through this trial. We have learned much more what Christ felt like on the cross. He has felt what we are going through and much, much more. More than any of us can even comprehend. We are grateful that He made the sacrifice that He did for us.

99. Through our infertility journey our children will be able to see how much they were wanted and loved. They will be able to see our journal entries we have recorded about our experience, as well as our blog posts and they will be able to see how much we have sacrificed to get them here and how much they are loved and wanted.

100. Ultimately we are so grateful that infertility has taught us never to give up. If we were to give up we wouldn't get our happy ending. Giving up is never worth it. No matter what you need to do, you just need to dig in and go a little farther and the end will come.

101. We are grateful that we have infertility, and because of it we were given this challenge. This challenge has been so great for us to do and has allowed us to become even more grateful.