How Do You Do It?

While we are taking a break from treatments I am going to take advantage of the time to answer some questions that I get a lot. (If you have questions for me, please ask. I am more than happy to answer questions and it may even give me more topics to write about that I haven't thought of.) One of the questions I get most often is, "How do you do it?" I get asked how I was able to handle my husband's brain surgery while going through infertility as well. How am I able to handle treatments and work full time? How am I able to handle so many people (with children) around me? How am I able to handle being a nursery worker? How am I able to handle all of the pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and baby showers? How am I able to handle all of the negative results? How am I able to handle moving forward with a new plan since the first one didn't work?

There isn't just one answer for all of these questions and some of them are quite complicated. The questions are worded as if I just walk through all of these situations without much trouble. However, its quite opposite. I don't feel like I am just able to do these things. I stumble and fall, and then I have to crawl through it. That is how it feels to me. I have come up with some things that have helped me to cope better though, so I will try to address and answer some of these specific questions.

1. How are you able to handle treatments and work full time?

I was worried about this one myself at first. I didn't know how sick I would be and wasn't sure how all the appointment scheduling was going to work. Utah Fertility Center was really great to work around my work schedule for my appointments. They would try to get me in before work for all my ultrasounds and treatments. When they absolutely couldn't make that happen they would work it so that I could go during my lunch breaks. They understood that I had work responsibilities as well and allowed me to do both treatments and work. If that wouldn't have been possible we wouldn't have been able to do treatments.

Many times I would be really sick during work and wouldn't feel well. I had so many miracles happen in this area. So many times I would pray because I just didn't think I would be able to make it through the day and then all the sickness would go away. Even though it was hard, I wasn't left without the help that I needed.

2. How am I able to handle all the children around me as well as pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and baby showers?

Even though it may seem like I handle this well, I really don't. It is extremely hard to have so many people around me starting their families while we are still struggling to get there. I am so extremely happy for all of my friends who have been able to start their families. I get so excited to see them be able to bring a little one into the world. Even though I am so happy for them, it's hard to see them be to the point that I want to be at. It's really a difficult place to be in because you are so happy for them, but at the same time it's a reminder of all our heartbreak.

Even though a lot of times it's really hard to hear the announcements and see all the new little ones, at the same time it can give us a lot of hope. One of my best friends has been trying for a child about the same amount of time we have. She finally got her miracle. It really was a miracle and she told me about it and everything that happened before she made big announcements. It was helpful that she was able to tell me before hand so I would be prepared for what was coming, but her story also gave us so much hope. It reminded us of how great of miracles Heavenly Father can make happen. It's a reminder of  what we have been promised and one day it will be our turn for one huge miracle.

Many times when I hear unexpected announcements and it's just one of those hard days, yes I have to break down and just cry on Taylor's or a friend's shoulder. I used to feel so guilty when this would happen because I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't happy for them, because I really am always so happy for them. I had to learn to go through the emotions for myself though. If I just hold it all in, it just makes it worse.

As for the baby showers, this is going to sound horrible, but I just don't go to them. I don't think there is any way I would be able to sit through one without breaking down and turning into a complete mess. Even the thought of having to go shopping for a baby gift and then sitting through a shower makes me all emotional. Once again when we first started our journey with infertility I would feel so horrible and guilty for not going. Taylor then talked to me and told me it was okay for not going. The only baby showers I am invited to are ones of close friends and family so he told me it was okay because those family and friends (since they were people close to us) understood what I was going through and knew that I still loved them, supported them, and was happy for them, even though I wasn't actually able to go. Instead of sending actual baby gifts, gift cards are sent. That way I can avoid the shopping and they still get a gift.

3. How am I able to handle working in the nursery?

Working in the nursery was a calling from Heavenly Father. If that is where Heavenly Father needs us to help then that is how we will help. There are definitely hard days when I wonder when I will have a little one in nursery but I love having the calling. Even though it is really tough sometimes, it also gives us a lot of hope at other times, reminding us again of what we have been promised. It so fun working with all the little kids and I have grown to love them all so much. During the hard times I just have to remind myself that our day will come when we will have little ones.

4. How am I able to handle all of the negative results and how are we able to move forward with a new plan after the first plan failed?

The negative results never get any easier to hear. Treatments are really a roller coaster ride the whole way through. You start out the treatment so hopeful then as you move through the cycle you have spurts of hopefulness and frustration as you think it either worked or didn't work. Then all the hopes you had come crashing down when you get the negative results. It all then starts over again with a new cycle of treatments. Each time I hear the negative results, I have to first work through all the emotions of heartbreak and disappointment, but then I just need to remind myself that Heavenly Father has a plan for us that is better than our own plan and we will one day hold a baby in our arms. I then, once again, gain that hope that maybe the next cycle will work.

Moving on to a new plan is heartbreaking just for the fact that the first treatments didn't work. However, we know we have to keep doing all we can and move forward as much, and as well as we can. We need to put forth all our effort into this and Heavenly Father will provide a way for everything to work out. We don't know if it will be one of these more expensive treatments that will eventually make it happen for us or if we will get a huge miracle and we will be able to get pregnant on our own. However, we need to keep moving forward with the knowledge we have. It's hard thinking about the finances and wondering if or how it will all come together but if Heavenly Father needs us to go through treatments to make it happen then He will provide a way for everything to come together for us. I know that He will not leave us without the help that we need. He has always provided a way for things to work out.

With all of these questions there is one main thing that helps us to go through all that we have and that is Heavenly Father's help. He has strengthened us so much and has helped us get through so many things that we never thought we would be able to handle. But then more trials, and harder trials come and helps us through even more. We know He has an amazing plan in store for us and we know that He will take care of us. I have been promised so many times that all the tears that come from all this heartbreak will be multiplied in tears of joy. I can't wait for that day and that is just one of the promises that keep us going.