Saturday, August 30, 2014

Footsteps for Fertility 5k 2014

Today was the big race day. We got up nice and early. We had to get up to the park by about 7:30 to prepare for the race. We ended up with 12 people registering for our team and then us, so 14 total. We got 25 tickets from that to put into the raffle. It wasn't much compared to the over 2,000 tickets that were put in. Many teams had over or close to 100 registrations. You never know though with a raffle. I have seen other raffles in the past for these things where people put in one or two tickets and end up getting a free IVF cycle so you just never know.

We took a couple of pictures before the race started of the people who were actually walking and/or running.

We really loved the race and the location. Liberty park (in Salt Lake City) has so many trees so it is nice and shady and the weather was perfect because it was overcast. My goal for the race was to beat my time from the Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 5K last year by 5 minutes. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it though. I had to stop training because of the pregnancy and didn't have time to get back into my regular running schedule before the race. I was shocked when we turned the corner and saw that we would be making the goal. I beat my time by a little over 5 minutes. That made me happy.

We then took some more pictures. Don't mind my red face. I always get super red.

Before the raffle began we were given a onesie for our miracle baby, whenever it comes. We can't wait to use it.

They then started the raffle. They said that last year they had enough registrations to give out 4 grants. This year they had enough to give out 11 $5,000 grants! That is a huge jump! It is so great to have so much more participation for such a great cause. Our name was not drawn but we are so happy for all the couples who received grants and free IVF cycles. Everyone deserves the chance to have a baby. It was sad afterwards because I saw a few people that had huge meltdowns because they did not get a grant. There were 78 couples but only 13 got something. It is just the way it works. I felt bad for them. Some couples that were chosen have been waiting years and years for a baby, much longer than we have waited. Some have just started their infertility journey. It is hard to see people taking it so hard that they weren't chosen. Of course we were hoping we would have got one too but it isn't the end of the world for us. We are not giving up hope and we will not stop trying. Our miracle baby is coming. 

We keep getting questions about what our plans are for treatment. All we know right now is we are working toward 3 more IUI cycles. When? We don't know. It is really strange because in the past we have known and been pushed to do this doctor appointment or that doctor appointment immediately, and we knew exactly when to do the IUIs. Right now though, we aren't being pushed for a certain time. We are thinking maybe early next year. Finances still need to get into place for them to happen and we are hoping that will happen around the first of next year. We are feeling really peaceful about everything and the way it is happening though. It is a strange feeling to have. We want a baby so bad, but at the same time we just aren't feeling like we need to do the IUIs right now and aren't being pushed for a particular time yet. It is as if Heavenly Father is telling us to take a little breather and just wait it out the next few months. I know a lot of people may not understand that, and it is hard for us to explain, but we are still working on things and moving in the right direction. We have other things that we are lining up and getting into place to be ready for our next treatments. We can't wait to see what the next few months holds for us. We are also anxious for our "Someday" as well. We can't wait to meet our little miracle baby.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Day That Wasn't Posted

When I posted my series of posts I had to remove this day. I wasn't able to post it because my brother and his wife expecting was not public knowledge (but now it is.) Two days after our miscarriage, my brother and his wife told us that they were expecting. Here is what I wrote that day:

"Sunday August 10, 2014

Today started out so great. Nursery was so much fun with the kids and afterwards we took our puppies to the park to play. When we got home there was a knock at the door and it was my brother and his wife. As soon as I opened the door and saw them standing there I knew something was up. I had the most crazy strong feeling come over me that they were going to tell me they were pregnant. They NEVER come over to our house unless they need something from us. They came in to play with the puppies and we just knew something was up and they finally told us they were pregnant. What a blow! They couldn't have waited until at least a week after we lost our baby? Nope...only two days. We had a hunch this was coming. We had heard from other family members that they wanted to have a baby right away and were even hoping for a honeymoon baby. They have been married exactly 1 month today. It was some of the hardest news to take. They hadn't even been trying a month and they were pregnant like that. Taylor and I both struggled with it the rest of the day. Even though we knew it was coming, it didn't make it any easier on us. We are just barely getting through the fact that we just lost baby #5 and will be still be working towards 3 more rounds of IUI."

That day was a really hard day for us. I had thought about never posting what I had wrote that day, but later felt like I needed to post it. We are not posting it to make people feel bad for us, or anything of the sort. Rather we just had a few thoughts to share. This is a common experience that happens to so many people who are going through infertility and it is so hard to deal with. It may not happen two days after losing your own baby but it happens, and no matter the timing, it hurts. We are getting through it day by day. The happy side of this is Heavenly Father lives and loves every one of us. Just because someone gets a baby and we don't, doesn't mean He doesn't love us. God's plan is perfect and all this pain will be made up for with so much joy and happiness. It also does NOT mean that the person that gets a baby is more "deserving" of a child or will be better parents. Everyone's plan is different. Everyone will have their own directions and things will happen with different timing for different people.

If I could help everyone with infertility understand a few things, these things are what it would be:

  • You've done nothing wrong to "deserve" infertility.
  • Just because other people have babies, doesn't mean that you would be worse parents.
  • When other people have babies, that doesn't mean that it will never happen to you.
  • It breaks Heavenly Father's heart too, to see the pain you are in. He wouldn't be putting you through it unless He had an extremely good reason.
Lastly, I just want to say thank you to all those who knew what had happened; for all the phone calls, messages, extra hugs, etc. Your kindness does not go unnoticed. We are not giving up and we are still pushing through everything one day at a time.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 6

Hopefully this post makes sense and comes together the way I hope it will. I have so many thoughts for this post and so many things to say, that I hope I remember it all and that it comes out clear.

First off, I want to say thank you for all the love and support. We had so much love and support through the whole pregnancy and we have had such an outpouring of love during the past week of posts. We have the most amazing family and friends and it means the world to us. All of you are who keeps us going through the hard times. All of the encouragement and reminders that our miracle will come someday are priceless.

We decided to post our pregnancy story this way because it was a lot like how we went through it. We didn't get to know the whole story all at the beginning. There was a lot of waiting. I had so many messages from friends asking if they could just read the whole thing right away, saying that the wait was torture. We kept posting the way we intended though and wanted to post it in the way that related most to how we actually went through it.

I had so many people tell me for sure that we were getting our miracle. This is exactly how we felt as well. Why would we do this series of posts if we weren't? We have posted about each of our angels and they are each such a huge part of our journey with infertility. In the beginning we thought for sure this would be the time we would be bringing a baby home in our arms. We had just went through the whole kidney stone experience and a bunch of other things. In some recent blessings we were told we would be greatly blessed for going to the ER when prompted and for doing some other things. When we got the positive pregnancy tests we thought for sure our someday had come. We were promised great blessings and this, we thought, was one of those great blessings. It was extremely difficult when we found out this wasn't going to be the huge blessing we hoped for. Of course it is still a blessing and miracle that has come into our lives. We have a 5th child waiting for us in Heaven, but the blessing didn't unfold the way we thought it for sure would. We went through such a hard time asking ourselves why this wasn't the blessing we expected? We were told great blessings were coming, but where were they? Why was a 5th baby being taken from us? Haven't we done everything we can? Haven't we shown Heavenly Father we are willing to sacrifice so much and work so hard at bringing a child into our home in this life?  Even though we don't know all the answers, there is a reason for all of this. My brother in law, Hayden, is on his mission in Texas. He wrote me a letter that gave some really good reminders. In fact I am just going to put part of what he said in here, since he said it perfectly.

"Everything will work out. "Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." God will make up for any losses you have in this life in the world to come. Remember the story in the Bible where Jesus is talking with the Pharisees about the blind person? The people ask who sinned: the child before he was born, or the parents. Then Jesus comes in with the clutch and tells them neither sinned, but God lets these things happen so that He can manifest His power to them. These are trying, testimony building times and God is trying to teach us as much as He can because he knows we can handle it. We were specifically chosen to come at this time because of that. Sometimes we just need to "be still and know that [He] is God"."

This letter came at the perfect time. It was right after we lost the baby. We know we have done nothing wrong to "deserve" this. It is just one of those trials we need to go through. We don't know all the answers and reasons right now but we will know more later in life or in the next life. Heavenly Father has a reason for it all. He wouldn't make us go through this if there wasn't a really good reason.

A lot of our family and friends took this loss a lot harder than our previous ones as well. We have had so many come and talk to us and they have cried with us, because they just didn't understand either. This hasn't just been difficult on us, it has been difficult on so many around us. It has not just been a trial of our faith, but a trial for so many of our family and friends as well. So many people just want so bad for us to get our miracle baby. They fast, pray, help us with our business, and our efforts to get our miracle here. We have a friend who came to visit soon after we found out we would be losing the baby and she cried with us. She said, "We have fasted and prayed and we do all these things but you still don't have your miracle. What are we doing wrong?!" It is hard to see our family and friends go through all of this as well. The answer is nobody is doing anything wrong. God has perfect timing and it WILL happen. We just have to wait for the right timing and go through the things we need to go through before we get there.

Once again thank you so much for all the prayers, fasting, and support. It means the world to us and we need as much of it as we can get as we are grieving and healing from this pregnancy and moving forward with future plans. They really do help.

Well, I guess the next question is, where do we go from here? Right now we are just taking things one day at a time. Everything is still extremely painful and we are just taking it all one day at a time. This has been such a hard trial for us and we realized that we have not had a vacation since we were married. In fact, we have never been out of state together. So we are trying to plan a small vacation and take a little break for ourselves. We will see if it actually happens since it is difficult to arrange with work and with Taylor's school, but we want to try to do something.

We have talked to our doctor and he still feels that IUIs could be the answer for us. So we are going to keep saving, and when we feel the time is right we will move forward with 3 more rounds of IUI. If those don't work, we will move forward with IVF. The big unknown answer is if this miscarriage was actually an ectopic that my body took care of on it's own. But we don't have that answer so we just need to keep moving forward with the original plan.

We also have our race coming up in a couple of weeks. We are excited to be doing that. I have not been able to exercise at all for a few weeks because of this whole thing, but I am excited to get back to it and we are looking forward to the race. It will be a great day for so many people. It also gives us a chance at getting IUI treatments sooner. There is still time for people to sign up for our race if you would like. Just go to HERE to register.

Once again, thank you for all of the love and support. We are making it through day by day because of all of the prayers, love, and support from our family and friends. We know that someday will come and we can't wait until we can do these posts again, but at the end announce that our miracle is coming.

Friday, August 15, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 5

Saturday August 2, 2014

The past few days have been really rough. I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for blood work and the levels went up to 125. Still definitely not good at all but we aren't miscarrying yet. I went back again on Friday and they went down to 114 so the numbers are all over the place. We know the pregnancy isn't viable but we just don't know still how it will all come to an end. I keep going back for blood work every few days until my levels go to 0. I have been pretty dang depressed the past few days. It's been so hard. I have just wanted to stay home and do nothing and be by myself. Today we had a family reunion and I really didn't want to go. I didn't feel like being social and I just wanted to stay home and be sad and hurt by myself. We ended up going though and it was enjoyable.

This loss has been another really tough pill to swallow, as every loss is. I never thought we would lose 5 babies in a row. The emotions are so hard. It is so hard to understand why we have to go through so many losses. It is also hard when the loss takes so long. We have pretty much known about a week now that this baby would not be making it but there still is really no end in sight on when it will all take place and end. It is hard when you are hurting so much and hardly anyone around you knows what you are going through at all. They don't understand the unbearable pain both physically and emotionally. Sometimes all we have to hang onto is our promise from Heavenly Father that we will have children of our own in this life. And sometimes when that even seems so horribly far away we just have to find joy in the fact that we are going through this together and at least we have each other to lean on. These past few days have definitely been one of those times where we just don't know how we can get up another morning and make it through another day. We don't know how we can go to the doctor and sit in the waiting room with some people who are expecting their little ones and are so full of happiness, while we are there because we are losing our miracle. It's completely unbearable at times. We are just taking life day by day right now and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute, and we are just trying our best to make it through. We know Heavenly Father will give us the strength we need to make it through no matter how unbearable it becomes.

Tuesday August 5, 2014

Today I went in for another blood draw. The number dropped to 55. That is drop by over half. It is just a matter of time before heaven gains another angel. I had a bit of a break down going in for another blood draw today. I am so tired of having to go get blood draws every other day. It is so draining. When most people are there getting blood work done to find out if they are pregnant or not, I am there because we won't be getting our baby this time. It's hard and I know the nurse could tell I was having a hard time and tried to comfort me the best she could. When they called to give me the results they said they would give me a break from the blood work for a week. I don't have to go back until next Tuesday for another draw. Even if it is still ectopic I am not in any danger right now because the levels dropped so much. I am very grateful for the break. Not only will I get a break from having to go in, but it will give my arms some time to heal. I have had so many draws done that both of my arms are black,  and they are very painful.

Thursday August 7, 2014

Today heaven gained another angel, and we gained our 5th angel. It has been such a rough day. I woke up to extremely horrible pains in my stomach this morning and I just had that sinking feeling that this was it, and it was. I still went to work, having to hold back the tears every now and then. It was fitting that it was a pretty gloomy and rainy day today. It was a sad and depressing day. We love our babies so much and always will. It will be such a glorious day when we are finally reunited with them all. We have one final blood work on Tuesday just to confirm and make sure everything is done.

Tuesday August 12, 2014

Today I had another blood draw. I have had a week break from these, which I enjoyed. The nurse called and told me that my levels had dropped to 0 which I was expecting. I am not in the clear. We don't know if this was an ectopic pregnancy that my body took care of on its own or if it was a regular miscarriage. We wish we knew because everything would be more clear for us moving forward but this will just be one of those questions that won't get answered until the next life.I am happy to be done with the blood work. I guess now we just keep moving forward from here, until we are able to be reunited with our 5 angels.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 4

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Today has been a pretty uneventful day. I spent the day just resting. I wasn't able to go to church and go to nursery which was hard. I missed all the nursery kids. I do have an amazing husband, family, and friends though. I had so many people checking on me to see if I was alright. I had texts, phone calls, and visits. Not too many people know about the pregnancy at this point but the word is definitely spreading. Both mom's brought us in food for dinner which was awesome so we didn't need to worry about meals. My mom and sister even took Mikey for the afternoon and entertained him so he wouldn't bother me with wanting to play all the time. We are so blessed. We had so many people praying and fasting for us today. We have so many people who love and support us so much today and it was so great and overwhelming to feel that today. We are both so nervous anticipating what is to come tomorrow. I have my blood draw at 9:15am but we probably won't hear results until late afternoon. We really are hoping for the best, but the worst is also lingering in the back of our minds. We have faith that Heavenly Father will make the outcome how it needs to be. We will get through whatever tomorrow brings us.

Monday July 28, 2014

Today was such a long hard day. I went in at 9am to get the blood draw done. I then didn't get the results until almost 5pm. It was a long day of waiting. Come to find out the results took so long coming back because they had to be reviewed by the doctor. The results came back the exact same as the first one. The EXACT SAME! How frustrating! Dr. Foulk said he wants me to go back on Wednesday for another blood draw to double check everything and see if they can find a reason for these results. They still want me to do blood draws every other day though because they said they aren't giving up on the baby yet. Dr. Foulk said he has seen this happen many times, and miracles happen and the pregnancy turns out to be normal. They also want to monitor it to make sure it's not ectopic.

This news has been absolutely devastating to us. We have been through so much. We thought this might be our time to get our miracle and our baby, but we still just don't know. My numbers should have doubled so it is very heartbreaking. The doctor said he has seen so many miracles happen though, so you never know. I was happy that the bad news came at the end of my work day though. I only had to hold back the tears for about a half hour. I came home and I was able to just get all my frustrations, sadness, and anger out. Do I understand why this is happening again? No. Is it fair? No. After I was able to get everything out and just be sad and angry for a while I was able to collect myself and just remind myself that it will happen someday, even if this time is not the time.. IT WILL! So many people who go through this don't know if they will ever have a child of their own, but we KNOW. We don't know when or how it will happen but it will. Even though right now it feels like it will never happen and that every time it will just end in heartbreak, it will happen. Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and He has a very good reason to make us go through this. We now just have to wait this out and see how it will all end. Everything will be determined by my next blood draw.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 3

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Today I got up early and went with Sara to the temple. I was excited to go and do a session. I was worried though since I have been feeling pretty nauseous the past few days. The session went really great and it was great to be at the temple as always. I ran a few errands then came home to get ready for my cousin's baby shower. Everything was going as I had planned for my day but then I started bleeding. My heart sank and I immediately started crying. I walked into the other room where Taylor was and he held me and just let me cry for a while. There is still a chance this pregnancy could be fine, in fact they told me it is pretty normal with the progesterone,  but every time this happened in the past it has been miscarriage or ectopic. We both felt so devastated, even though we don't know for sure what is happening. I will be on bed rest the rest of today and tomorrow and then I will get levels done on Monday morning still to see where they are and that will pretty much tell us if this baby is going to make it.  We sat and talked about how we have done everything that we have been able to do to start a family. We have prayed and fasted, had more doctor appointments that we can count, had 3 IUIs, started Making Someday, we also have our race coming up and it still hasn't happened for us. It's extremely frustrating. However, we still have hope. Whether it's this pregnancy or another one we have been promised we will have a baby of our own in this life. Heavenly Father NEVER breaks his promises. We reminded ourselves of that promise. We have to keep going. Whether this pregnancy works out or whether this baby becomes our 5th angel we still have hope and we just have to keep going and pushing through. Yes, it is hard. Extremely hard at times. Sometimes we just want to sit down and give up on everything, but we can't. Taylor pulled out his computer and we watched some conference talks. They gave so much hope and peace to our situation. This isn't easy to go through at all but we can make it through with Heavenly Father's help. He knows whats best for us and our situation. He knows what lessons we need to learn. Our trust is still in Him. We will still get our baby someday, whether that is sooner or later.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 2

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Today I called the Utah Fertility Center first thing this morning. They were surprised we were pregnant on our own and they had me go in right away for some blood work. The blood draw was easy but the rest of the day dragged on forever. I just wanted to hear the results. Finally I got the call. My levels were at 103, which was good for just starting out the pregnancy. They said to come back on Monday to make sure the levels are rising the way they should. When I had my ectopic the highest my levels got were 121 and I was much farther along so I am taking the 103 as a really good sign. It is going to be a long weekend of waiting. However, tonight we went to the Spanish Fork Rodeo. It was fun watching all of the cute kids and it was fun thinking about how we may have a cute little one just months away. This pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle no matter how it ends up. All of this waiting though between blood tests is going to kill me. I just want to know what is going on. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for us though and I trust that things will work out for the best.

Monday, August 11, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 1

Each post was written on the day listed but we waited to post it. If you know where we currently are in this journey please do not give it away in the comments until the final post, part #6, is posted.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Today has been such a whirlwind of events and emotions. Today after work I headed to Target. My period was two days late. I had talked myself out of going at first but then I gave in and went. I couldn't help it. I walked into the store, walked straight to the right aisle, and picked up the normal box of pregnancy tests. I remember thinking in my head I was just setting myself up for disappointment. It had happened the same way so many times in the past. I purchased the box and headed home. I took the pregnancy test and I was completely shocked that it came back positive! Really? Was this really happening? I started shaking and had to calm myself down. Taylor was still at school working on a lab. I just stood there taking it all in. I waited a while then took another test. Once again...positive. I had so many emotions running through me. I was so excited, yet so scared and nervous. Every time this happened in the past it turned out to end in heartbreak. But why be sad? As far as I know there is a healthy baby in there. I decided we are going to make it a great day and celebrate, because at least for today I am pregnant! I have a little baby inside me! We don't know the fate of that baby, but it is there, and I love it so much.

I decided to take a trip to the store and bought some baby bottle pop candy. I was just going to get that to surprise Taylor but then I couldn't help myself. I went and walked down the baby aisle. I can't remember that last time I did that. But this time there wasn't that horrible heartbreaking pain. Today I could enjoy the baby section. I picked up a box of pacifiers and added them to my purchase. I came home and arranged the items, along with the two pregnancy tests, on the bed then put a load of laundry by the items on the bed. Taylor ended up staying late at school to finish his lab and it seemed like it took so long for him to come home. When he walked in the door he came and said hi. After a few minutes I asked him if he would mind folding the laundry on the bed. He walked into the bedroom and soon came out with the biggest smile on his face and gave me a hug.

It is so crazy. We just don't know really how to feel about everything. We have so many emotions going on at the same time. We are hoping and praying this won't be another miscarriage, ectopic or heartbreak. That is all we have had. It is all we have known. We are hoping this is the time that we bring a baby home in our arms. We are so scared and nervous for where this path will lead us. We are so excited that we have another baby! This is number 5! We love this baby so much already.

After gathering our thoughts for a little bit and after a while of just standing and staring at the baby items and tests on the bed we finally decided it was time to tell the parents. We have always told our parents when we found out. It has been a great decision for us. We know that no matter how it turns out we have their love and support and they will be there for us. We called my mom and she was excited but also apprehensive, as we were. Taylor's mom was just as excited and hopeful. We know there will be a lot of prayers and fasting coming our way. There are so many people that love this baby already.

Tomorrow I will be calling our fertility doctor office to see what we do from here. We haven't been in the process of treatments with them this month, but we are still hoping they will be the ones to do all the testing until we know what exactly will be happening with this pregnancy. There are still a lot of tests to go before we see how this all will turn out. Either way there will be ups and downs. But, for now, we are so enjoying this day. Today we are pregnant, and we have added a 5th child to our family!