Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Comparing

The past few days I have had the topic of comparing on my mind a lot. I have had a lot of people who keep checking on me in relation to my brother and sister-in-law that are expecting. I am doing fine and coping with it. I don't think about it very often, to tell the truth. But does it still hurt? Yes. I am sure it will for a long time and I don't know if it ever will stop hurting. Do I wish we had our little ones in our arms? Of course. A day rarely goes by that I don't think of them.

I have learned over the past years the difference between positive and negative comparing. There are so many times while going through infertility when I have compared myself to others. Some of those times were good things and some were bad. There have been times when I have compared my symptoms and experiences with others to see how their story could help ours progress. Early on I would compare our situation with others we had heard about to see if we could find more clues as to what was going on and why things were not happening for us. For us this was a good comparing. It was a positive experience to be able to learn from others around us and possibly also use our story to help others as well.

However, comparing does not always bring positive results. Sometimes comparing can bring a lot of heartache and despair rather than hope and faith, especially when comparing timetables. There have been many times that I have looked at others situations and wondered why they didn't have to wait long until they could have a baby, why they only had to endure infertility for two years, or why their treatments worked every single time. This comparing never led me to a good place. It always ended with me being so discouraged and wanting to give up. In reality I was only comparing us to other couples that I wanted to compare to. In reality there are so many couples who go through infertility so much longer. We have been going through it for three and a half years now. We know so many people who have been dealing with it so much longer; some even for a number of years in the double digits. Some people never even get their miracle. Sometimes it is hard to see past the blessings that others receive that you want so badly.

We have come a long way in learning about comparing. Every once in a long while we still get caught up in that little trap, but those instances are now few and far between. We have learned to take each couple's story as a separate instance. They have their plan for them and we have ours for us. The plan that Heavenly Father has for each couple is tailored specifically for them, so we really can't compare the length of time or other circumstances. We have learned to compare our story, only to us. That may sound funny at first, but it is true. We have learned that we need to compare our situation now to what it was back then. We have come so far and we are getting so much closer to our miracle. Just a few years ago we didn't even know what was happening. We didn't have any answers. We didn't have a direction. We now have direction and we have come so far in our journey. We didn't know then, and we still don't know now, how long this trial will last, but we do know that we are closer now than we were then. Comparing our timetable to someone else's is like comparing apples to oranges. It does us no good.

Yes, my brother and his wife were expecting a baby right away, but their situation is completely different than ours. I was told in a blessing soon after their announcement not to be sad about it, but rather find to find joy because our situations are completely different and their experience of having a child is, and will be, completely different than ours. We were promised that when our miracle comes it will be the most sweet and amazing experience for us and those around us. This is completely true. Thinking about it, there have been times I have thought, I would rather just have a baby now. However, the reality is, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to get my baby the way they are. They are having a completely different experience. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about and imagining the moment that we get to hold our baby in our arms for the first time. We have worked so hard to get to that place and I know it will happen and it will be an amazing, wonderful, and joyful experience. So when people ask how I am doing since my brother and his wife are expecting, and we still aren't after so much longer, we are fine with it. It doesn't mean that we don't hurt for our situation and wish we had our babies in our arms, but we would much rather have our plan. We know that our plan is perfect for us. We can't wait until those promises are fulfilled and we have such a sweet, amazing experience and be able to share that with those around us. We know it will happen, and that is what keeps us going.

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