First off, I want to say thank you for all the love and support. We had so much love and support through the whole pregnancy and we have had such an outpouring of love during the past week of posts. We have the most amazing family and friends and it means the world to us. All of you are who keeps us going through the hard times. All of the encouragement and reminders that our miracle will come someday are priceless.
We decided to post our pregnancy story this way because it was a lot like how we went through it. We didn't get to know the whole story all at the beginning. There was a lot of waiting. I had so many messages from friends asking if they could just read the whole thing right away, saying that the wait was torture. We kept posting the way we intended though and wanted to post it in the way that related most to how we actually went through it.
I had so many people tell me for sure that we were getting our miracle. This is exactly how we felt as well. Why would we do this series of posts if we weren't? We have posted about each of our angels and they are each such a huge part of our journey with infertility. In the beginning we thought for sure this would be the time we would be bringing a baby home in our arms. We had just went through the whole kidney stone experience and a bunch of other things. In some recent blessings we were told we would be greatly blessed for going to the ER when prompted and for doing some other things. When we got the positive pregnancy tests we thought for sure our someday had come. We were promised great blessings and this, we thought, was one of those great blessings. It was extremely difficult when we found out this wasn't going to be the huge blessing we hoped for. Of course it is still a blessing and miracle that has come into our lives. We have a 5th child waiting for us in Heaven, but the blessing didn't unfold the way we thought it for sure would. We went through such a hard time asking ourselves why this wasn't the blessing we expected? We were told great blessings were coming, but where were they? Why was a 5th baby being taken from us? Haven't we done everything we can? Haven't we shown Heavenly Father we are willing to sacrifice so much and work so hard at bringing a child into our home in this life? Even though we don't know all the answers, there is a reason for all of this. My brother in law, Hayden, is on his mission in Texas. He wrote me a letter that gave some really good reminders. In fact I am just going to put part of what he said in here, since he said it perfectly.
"Everything will work out. "Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." God will make up for any losses you have in this life in the world to come. Remember the story in the Bible where Jesus is talking with the Pharisees about the blind person? The people ask who sinned: the child before he was born, or the parents. Then Jesus comes in with the clutch and tells them neither sinned, but God lets these things happen so that He can manifest His power to them. These are trying, testimony building times and God is trying to teach us as much as He can because he knows we can handle it. We were specifically chosen to come at this time because of that. Sometimes we just need to "be still and know that [He] is God"."
This letter came at the perfect time. It was right after we lost the baby. We know we have done nothing wrong to "deserve" this. It is just one of those trials we need to go through. We don't know all the answers and reasons right now but we will know more later in life or in the next life. Heavenly Father has a reason for it all. He wouldn't make us go through this if there wasn't a really good reason.
A lot of our family and friends took this loss a lot harder than our previous ones as well. We have had so many come and talk to us and they have cried with us, because they just didn't understand either. This hasn't just been difficult on us, it has been difficult on so many around us. It has not just been a trial of our faith, but a trial for so many of our family and friends as well. So many people just want so bad for us to get our miracle baby. They fast, pray, help us with our business, and our efforts to get our miracle here. We have a friend who came to visit soon after we found out we would be losing the baby and she cried with us. She said, "We have fasted and prayed and we do all these things but you still don't have your miracle. What are we doing wrong?!" It is hard to see our family and friends go through all of this as well. The answer is nobody is doing anything wrong. God has perfect timing and it WILL happen. We just have to wait for the right timing and go through the things we need to go through before we get there.
Once again thank you so much for all the prayers, fasting, and support. It means the world to us and we need as much of it as we can get as we are grieving and healing from this pregnancy and moving forward with future plans. They really do help.
Well, I guess the next question is, where do we go from here? Right now we are just taking things one day at a time. Everything is still extremely painful and we are just taking it all one day at a time. This has been such a hard trial for us and we realized that we have not had a vacation since we were married. In fact, we have never been out of state together. So we are trying to plan a small vacation and take a little break for ourselves. We will see if it actually happens since it is difficult to arrange with work and with Taylor's school, but we want to try to do something.
We have talked to our doctor and he still feels that IUIs could be the answer for us. So we are going to keep saving, and when we feel the time is right we will move forward with 3 more rounds of IUI. If those don't work, we will move forward with IVF. The big unknown answer is if this miscarriage was actually an ectopic that my body took care of on it's own. But we don't have that answer so we just need to keep moving forward with the original plan.
We also have our race coming up in a couple of weeks. We are excited to be doing that. I have not been able to exercise at all for a few weeks because of this whole thing, but I am excited to get back to it and we are looking forward to the race. It will be a great day for so many people. It also gives us a chance at getting IUI treatments sooner. There is still time for people to sign up for our race if you would like. Just go to HERE to register.
Once again, thank you for all of the love and support. We are making it through day by day because of all of the prayers, love, and support from our family and friends. We know that someday will come and we can't wait until we can do these posts again, but at the end announce that our miracle is coming.
Vacation is a great idea. G and I try to run away at least for the weekend each time we have a miscarriage. I think it helps.
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