Friday, August 15, 2014

An Unexpected Journey: Part 5

Saturday August 2, 2014

The past few days have been really rough. I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for blood work and the levels went up to 125. Still definitely not good at all but we aren't miscarrying yet. I went back again on Friday and they went down to 114 so the numbers are all over the place. We know the pregnancy isn't viable but we just don't know still how it will all come to an end. I keep going back for blood work every few days until my levels go to 0. I have been pretty dang depressed the past few days. It's been so hard. I have just wanted to stay home and do nothing and be by myself. Today we had a family reunion and I really didn't want to go. I didn't feel like being social and I just wanted to stay home and be sad and hurt by myself. We ended up going though and it was enjoyable.

This loss has been another really tough pill to swallow, as every loss is. I never thought we would lose 5 babies in a row. The emotions are so hard. It is so hard to understand why we have to go through so many losses. It is also hard when the loss takes so long. We have pretty much known about a week now that this baby would not be making it but there still is really no end in sight on when it will all take place and end. It is hard when you are hurting so much and hardly anyone around you knows what you are going through at all. They don't understand the unbearable pain both physically and emotionally. Sometimes all we have to hang onto is our promise from Heavenly Father that we will have children of our own in this life. And sometimes when that even seems so horribly far away we just have to find joy in the fact that we are going through this together and at least we have each other to lean on. These past few days have definitely been one of those times where we just don't know how we can get up another morning and make it through another day. We don't know how we can go to the doctor and sit in the waiting room with some people who are expecting their little ones and are so full of happiness, while we are there because we are losing our miracle. It's completely unbearable at times. We are just taking life day by day right now and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute, and we are just trying our best to make it through. We know Heavenly Father will give us the strength we need to make it through no matter how unbearable it becomes.

Tuesday August 5, 2014

Today I went in for another blood draw. The number dropped to 55. That is drop by over half. It is just a matter of time before heaven gains another angel. I had a bit of a break down going in for another blood draw today. I am so tired of having to go get blood draws every other day. It is so draining. When most people are there getting blood work done to find out if they are pregnant or not, I am there because we won't be getting our baby this time. It's hard and I know the nurse could tell I was having a hard time and tried to comfort me the best she could. When they called to give me the results they said they would give me a break from the blood work for a week. I don't have to go back until next Tuesday for another draw. Even if it is still ectopic I am not in any danger right now because the levels dropped so much. I am very grateful for the break. Not only will I get a break from having to go in, but it will give my arms some time to heal. I have had so many draws done that both of my arms are black,  and they are very painful.

Thursday August 7, 2014

Today heaven gained another angel, and we gained our 5th angel. It has been such a rough day. I woke up to extremely horrible pains in my stomach this morning and I just had that sinking feeling that this was it, and it was. I still went to work, having to hold back the tears every now and then. It was fitting that it was a pretty gloomy and rainy day today. It was a sad and depressing day. We love our babies so much and always will. It will be such a glorious day when we are finally reunited with them all. We have one final blood work on Tuesday just to confirm and make sure everything is done.

Tuesday August 12, 2014

Today I had another blood draw. I have had a week break from these, which I enjoyed. The nurse called and told me that my levels had dropped to 0 which I was expecting. I am not in the clear. We don't know if this was an ectopic pregnancy that my body took care of on its own or if it was a regular miscarriage. We wish we knew because everything would be more clear for us moving forward but this will just be one of those questions that won't get answered until the next life.I am happy to be done with the blood work. I guess now we just keep moving forward from here, until we are able to be reunited with our 5 angels.

3 comments:

  1. I'm crying again. My heart breaks for you.

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  2. So sorry for your loss. I can't completely understand but I don understand a lot of what you are going through. It can be unbearable at times. I believe Jessica was our 6th pregnancy. We were married about 6 1/2 years when we were blessed with her. My heart goes out to you and Taylor. I'm crying with you.

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