I have been wanting to get a post done like this for a while now. There are always so many views to infertility and mine is just one of them. I was talking about it with a friend and asked if she would want to do a guest post on the blog. She happily agreed and sent me a post. I love the additional perspective this post brings to infertility. Here it is:
I've never tried to have children, but I've felt the pain of infertility. I've never gone through treatments, been poked and prodded, or gone through a painful surgery to get one step closer to making my dreams come true. But I've felt the seemingly agonizing steps backwards, while trying to move forwards. As a friend to someone going through infertility, I've felt many of the pains, seen many of the struggles, and been a part of the hope for the future. That being said, I can't imagine going through infertility for myself. There are many hidden struggles that no one will (or can possibly) understand until you've experienced it for yourself. I can't tell you what it's like to go through it myself, but let me tell you what I know.
The first few unsuccessful months of your friends trying to have a baby come and go with a little sadness, but you don't think much of it because you know that it usually takes some time for every couple to get pregnant. Some more months pass and they are told they have to wait at least a year to be officially considered for further tests and treatments. Waiting. That's one of the biggest struggles of infertility. There are some nights that come when you, as the friend, hold the only glimmer of hope.
You tell them that things will work out and to keep hanging in there. You know it to be true.
That year mark comes and a few more tests are done. Nothing really seems to be the problem. Frustration. It's like you almost want something to be wrong just so you know what to do to fix it. As a friend, you're a bystander. You feel like you're going through the same black sadness, but you can't do anything to help. More frustration. Friend's are fixers. Our friend gets called names on the playground and we stand up to the bully. Or friend gets their heart broken and we show up with chick flicks and chocolate ice cream. Our friend can't get their car started and we pick them up and take them where they need to go. Our friend desperately wants to complete their family with a baby and they can't get pregnant, so we…we what? The frustration of not being able to "fix it" is hard. Unexplainably hard.
But then it happens, they are pregnant! Happy day! You're the friend; you get to help plan the nursery. You pick out the baby crib and car seat. You start saving money to spoil your "niece/nephew" with adorable outfits and colorful toys. But it ends all too soon. The words "ectopic pregnancy" are arguably the cruelest words in the English language, in ANY language for that matter. Your friends, the ones you have been praying for day and night, have lost their dream. Once again, you can't fix it. But all is not lost, YOU are the shoulder to cry on, YOU are the listening ear, YOU are their glimmer of hope. Other miscarriages come, and it never gets any easier. You're the friend; you can't give up hope. If you give up hope, why shouldn't they?
More tests, medications, and waiting come. Gosh dang it! You just want to fix it! You can't. But you're not as useless as you feel. Your innumerable prayers are heard, keep praying. Your comfortable shoulder and listening ear help. Even if you're never told that it helps, it does. It lets your friends know that they are not alone. You're not going anywhere.
My story is your story. You know someone who is (or has) gone through infertility, whether you are close to them or not. You may be the best friend or you may be an acquaintance. Regardless, they need you. Through all of the waiting, frustration, and sadness there is hope. HOPE. Never, ever forget that. It's not a lie, it's not wishful thinking, it's hope. There is a plan for everyone. Their miracle is coming, remind them. Be patient, be happy, be hopeful, and most of all, be a friend.
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