Monday, October 28, 2013

The Room I Hate

Almost two years ago we moved into our house. We moved from our little apartment that we had when we first got married. Seven months after getting married we purchased our first home. At that point we had already been trying for children for seven months. We thought we would have been pregnant before purchasing a house but when the opportunity arrived we knew it was the best choice for us. Our little apartment would be small and cramped for a family of three. This house had more room to grow and we were excited to fill the room that we designated to be our baby's room. We had already been trying for seven months, so a baby couldn't be that far away, right?

After moving we made the house become what we wanted it to be. Decorations went up, changes were made, and everything was put in its place. After we found out we were expecting we came across a deal we couldn't pass up and we got a crib and a carseat that were put in the baby's room. It was a room full of excitement for what was coming in our future.

However, soon the day came that the room became a source of pain and heartbreak. After our first pregnancy loss we couldn't stand to enter the room anymore. We couldn't take seeing the unused crib and carseat that we thought would be used. Discussions took place on if we should take them out and put them in storage or get rid of them all together. But still they sit in the room. We have discussed turning the room into something else besides a baby's room. Its a room that is unused and pretty much useless right now, but nothing has changed. If we were to change the room, it may just need to be changed back to a baby room soon after. Two and a half years of waiting, it can't be that much longer, right?

Its a room that always stands in constant debate. Its the one room that I have come to hate. During hopeful moments I love thinking about how it will all be decorated. The theme and colors picked, it can be transformed into the perfect room to bring home a precious little one to. Its the room that I can see myself spending hours in with a little one in my arms.

However, when those hopeful moments turn to despair, frustration, and heartbreak I want to think nothing of the room. The room is avoided at all costs. The door stays closed constantly. Never is it opened unless the room is quickly entered then promptly exited. Thoughts of how I need to clean the room out and make it useful come back but packing everything up just brings more tears and heartbreak. So the room just sits. It sits with the door closed until a decision is reached. Who knows if a decision will ever be reached, so the room sits useless.

Yesterday (October 26) was day 3 of clomid so I was already pretty emotional. We did a project and switched out all the doorknobs in our house so they would all match. Its been on our list ever since we moved in but are just now getting around to it. Everything was going pretty well until it hit the baby room. I walked into the room for the first time in months. It immediately brought me to tears seeing everything still sitting there. I just couldn't take it. Would the room ever be used? Taylor quickly finished the knob for that room, then room was shut again. There it will sit and remain shut and unused. I am sure more discussion will take place and probably nothing will be done. It will remain the room that I hate. Maybe one day it will again become a room that we love.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Round 3 Starts

Thursday I had my baseline ultrasound for IUI #3. It was strange going to the office knowing this will be our last shot for a while. I went into the exam room and the nurse came in. She kept talking a lot about how its "3rd time the charm". I hope its our lucky shot but we will see in about a month. The baseline ultrasound looked good and everything was again scheduled. All the drugs were ordered and delivered so we are ready to go.

I am excited to take another step forward in this whole process but I am also nervous. Things didn't go as well as they could have last time. I am hoping things go better this time and there won't be as many complications.

The past 3-4 months have been nothing but constant doctor appointments with schedules for all sorts of different medications. Its strange to think that this is our last time doing this for a while. I am excited for a break from all the medications, whether that be with a pregnancy or without. I am also really nervous though. We have been working so hard towards this goal then all of a sudden it will be put on hold in a way, for a while. At least with each of the IUIs we feel like we are working towards it, putting effort into it, and are getting closer to the goal. Without all the schedules and efforts being put in, I am afraid we are going to feel lost since we won't be feeling like we are moving forward. In the meantime though we are just focusing on this cycle, hoping it will be better than the last one.

Friday, October 18, 2013

IUI #2 Results

Today's results were exactly what we were pretty sure they would be. The results were negative. Even though we had a feeling this would be the case its still hard and disappointing to hear. It will never be easy to hear a negative result.

I was able to talk to the nurse a little bit and she was able to answer some questions. We will be trying one more IUI cycle right away. I am nervous about this because of how much of a toll the first two have taken on me but I know it will be for the best. If the next results come back negative we will have another consultation with Dr. Foulk to come up with a new plan. That is what I am dreading even more. I am sure the new plan would be doing injectable IUI cycles or going to IVF. No matter what the new plan is determined to be we will be taking a break from treatments to save up for the next steps. We have been extremely blessed to have been able to pay for all three IUI cycles right in a row. So many little miracles have happened to make it possible, but the next steps will be even more expensive. We will cross that bridge when we come to it though.

Even though its been a hard and disappointing day we are determined not to lose hope. Rather than being sad and crying all day we are trying to focus on the positive side that at least this marks one step closer to our end goal. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we know He has great things in store for us. For now we just need to keep faith and hope in Him and keep moving forward.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Only One Who Knows

The Only One Who Knows

In the beginning He was the only one who knew,
All the trials and heartache I would endure.
He watched closely as I grew,
Knowing His love and hope would be the only cure.

Step by step learning His way,
Mastering the tools to help make it through.
His helping hand pushing me each day,
Because He is the only one who knew.

Would the little steps be enough
When the challenges and trials would flow?
I would have to see when things got rough,
For He was the only one to know.

Through the waiting, strength sustained,
Leaning on the tools learned before.
Taking advantage of what the gospel contained,
Remembering back to the very core.

Through the heartbreak of letting each of my angels go,
Love and hope from him would show.
Seeing each tear along the way flow,
Feelings that only He would know.

Through the waiting, treatments, and tests,
When everything is seeming to go wrong,
He is giving me comfort and little rests.
He is helping me push along.

Trying my hardest not to be tossed to and fro,
Pushing forward as the trial wind blows.
Leaning on the gospels truth, light, and glow,
Because He is the only one who really knows.

Copyrighted 2013

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Slowly Losing Hope

The wait for results of IUI #2 is getting smaller but our hope that this one worked is slowly growing smaller as well. Today I started having symptoms of negative results. After talking to one of the nurses, she said that it still could come back positive when we do the test but she didn't seem all that hopeful either. Its been a really rough cycle. Everything has seemed to go wrong the whole time. We knew it would be a long shot for it to work this time, but Heavenly Father does work miracles, if its according to His will and His plan.

Even though we are losing hope a little bit, we are still holding onto our faith. Keeping faith doesn't mean having faith that things will work according to the way we want, and doesn't mean that we think it will necessarily happen this time, it just means we are trusting in Heavenly Father and HIS plan for us. His plan for us is perfect and will turn out exactly the way it should. He knows what will be best for us and we have faith that things will turn out the best according to His plan.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

IUI #2

Yesterday I thought everything would go pretty much the same as it did with the first IUI. I soon found out how wrong I was though. I have been on Estrace since my last appointment and finished it up yesterday. Hopefully it all worked but that is just one of the things that have been against us this cycle. Taylor was not able to go with me for this IUI. He went to the dr. office an hour before me to do his part of the procedure but then had to go to school. I didn't like going by myself but its what I had to do. Last time the procedure was quick and easy and it only took a couple minutes to do. However they had a really hard time doing the procedure this time. It took 45 minutes! It was extremely painful this time as well. It was a long 45 minutes to endure. The person doing the procedure was very nice and concerned but there was nothing she could do to help the pain. It was what had to be done if we wanted to finish out the IUI cycle. At one point I just wanted to call it quits and not even finish but I had already come this far and done all the medications. I wasn't going to go through all the medicines and sickness for nothing. As I lay on the table fighting to hold back the tears I remember praying to Heavenly Father asking Him to help the nurse be able to finish the procedure. A couple minutes later she was able to get the catheter through and it was done.

I never thought the two cycles would be so different. We have had so many odds stacked against us for this cycle that its been hard to stay hopeful for a positive outcome. We first had the lining issue and had to start Estrace. Then Taylor's count came back less than half of last time. It still was a good number but just not as good as the first time. Then we had all the difficulties actually getting the procedure to happen. It has been a really rough cycle but we know it will all be worth it when we get to bring a little one home. Now the waiting game begins.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

A Complication...But Still Going

This past little while has been really crazy so I haven't had the chance to post. Today I had my ultrasound to see if the meds were working for this cycle. I got up this morning and made sure I had my HCG shot (I was hoping if everything looked good they would just do the shot for me, like they said they would have last time if I had had it with me.) and headed to the office. I thought it would just be like the last time and everything would go as planned, but of course that would have been way too easy.

The nurse doing the ultrasound was really nice but I thought it was strange how she wasn't updating me on the findings as she went like she did last time. After she finished the ultrasound she then starting telling me what she found. She said the right ovary did not have any follicles anywhere near where they needed to be and my left ovary only had one follicle the size it needed to be. They usually like to have two for the IUI for the best chances. She also proceeded to tell me that my lining wasn't thick (or fluffy) enough this time to carry a pregnancy if I were to get pregnant. However, they decided to put me on another prescription, Estrace, to thicken the lining to make it ready for pregnancy. I am to take it twice a day for the next three days. They are still having us go forward with the IUI. Tonight I have to give myself the shot at precisely 9pm. IUI will then take place Friday morning.

Even though this time around has had some setbacks with only one follicle ready and the lining not being where it should be we are still hopeful that this may be the time we get a miracle.