The Hardest Part

Today was the big day. We had our first IUI. We got up early so we could get the things that the dr. office needed. We had to do a drop off at 8:30 and then the procedure was at 9:30. We ended up just staying at the office since by the time we would have got home we would just have to go back. The wait in the waiting room was hard. Both of us were anticipating what was to come whether good or bad. As I was sitting there one couple was called back, but when they came out they were both crying and looked so devastated. I don't know what happened but I felt so bad for them. Another couple was also called back but when they came out they were so happy and excited because they had just had their first ultrasound and found out they had a viable pregnancy. I thought about how I couldn't wait to feel that kind of joy that they were feeling. As I was sitting there I thought about our situation a lot and how far we have come and wondered how far we will have to go, how many more treatments we will have to do, etc. I also wondered if this cycle will turn out with us being devastated like the first couple we saw, or happy like the second. Only time will tell.

After the hour wait everything was ready for the procedure. It didn't hurt much which was good and it was pretty fast. All of the staff was really nice and helpful as always. We were given instructions for the supplements that I now need to take for the next 2-3 weeks and scheduled our next appointment then we were on our way, but now the hard part for me begins.

For the past two weeks we have had appointment after appointment and have been on schedules for this drug or that drug. The next few weeks I only have the supplement stuff to help a pregnancy along if the treatment does work. I don't have appointments or crazy drug schedules to stick to. The last two weeks I have felt like I have constantly been doing something to help us get our baby here. I am not going to know what to do with myself the next few weeks. I am not going to feel like I am doing much to move towards our goal. I have been thinking a lot about the procedure today but there is nothing more I can do to make it work. Its just weeks of waiting ahead which is the worst part for me. I hate the waiting. I would rather being doing something to make it happen. So in the meantime we will be doing a lot of hoping, praying, etc and hopefully we will get good news in a few weeks. It is all in Heavenly Father's hands. I know he can and will help us get pregnant, we just don't know the timing and when His answer will finally be, yes.

Still Going

Today we had another ultrasound to see if all the prescriptions were working. I was really nervous about it and my biggest fear was that the cycle would be canceled. I didn't want to do all of this for nothing. The ultrasound tech couldn't find any follicles on the left ovary but on the right ovary there were 3 follicles. One is definitely big enough and should release an egg, another is medium sized and may or may not release and the third is pretty small so probably won't release. Its really good that the prescriptions worked and there are follicles, but there is still concern that they are on the right ovary because when I had my ectopic it was on the right side. There is definitely risk of another ectopic but in reality there will always be that risk whether we are doing IUI, another treatment, or trying on our own. They told me since the first was definitely large enough to go ahead and do the trigger shot. I didn't have the shot with me or they would have done it there at the office, but I didn't take it with me because we thought (and the doctor had thought) that it would be later. I noticed the time and I had to be at work soon so while I finished up Taylor ran home to get the shot and vials and met me at my work. In the meantime, I got shot training at the office and got the IUI scheduled which will take place tomorrow morning.

Taylor met me at my work and we sat in the parking lot getting the vials for the shot all mixed and ready. Taylor was right there ready to give me the shot if I wasn't able to do it. He even offered to do it so I wouldn't have to. I told him I wanted to try to do it, just in case we need to go through more cycles in the future and I need to do more shots. I gave the shot to myself. I didn't think I would be able to, but I did.

Like I said, IUI will take place in the morning. We are anxious, nervous, excited, etc all at once. We are hoping and praying that everything goes well. We will be doing a fast on Sunday that the procedure will work. If anyone would like to join us we would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers, love, and support through this whole process. We wouldn't be able to get through all this without our amazing family and friends.

Most Dreaded Question

In social situations, at work and other places there is always one question I get that I really don't like. I get a lot of different comments and questions related to infertility, but the one question that I always hate to answer is, "How many kids do you have?". That questions is usually followed up with by inquiring about how many years I have been married. 

When the number of kids question comes up, I usually just say none and move on with the conversation, but when the question is followed up with how many years I have been married you can see wheels turning, wondering why I don't have kids yet. So many times I just feel like screaming that its not my choice to not have children and in fact that I do have children, three of them, but they just didn't make it. 

Even though other's don't think a second thought about the children we have lost, we think about it quite often, especially when the questions come. Each angel that we have had, has helped us grow and has impacted our life so much. I enjoyed carrying each angel, no matter how short it was. They are and will always be in my heart. Hopefully I will soon be able to answer the dreaded question with a number larger than zero, but in the meantime I will just have to answer with "none", while remembering my angels.

One Prescription Down...Hopefully More to Come

Over the weekend I finished with one of my prescriptions. I am really happy to not have to take that one anymore. I am grateful I only needed to take it five days. I didn't have any side effects the first three days on it but days four and five I had a lot of dizziness and hot flashes. That was not fun to deal with. I am now in a small little waiting period. I go in on Thursday morning for an ultrasound to see how things are progressing. We will then get the okay to move forward with the shot and IUI, or if things are not progressing (hoping and praying this is not the case) then the cycle may be cancelled. We really don't want it cancelled but we know it's always a possibility.

Over the past couple days I have had a few moments where I was just wishing I had a body that worked right. I am sure a lot of people wish that, even for other situations. I wish my body worked right so I didn't need to fill my body with all sorts of different prescriptions that make me have all sorts of different side effects like nausea, dizziness, hot flashes, etc. I can definitely see why people take breaks between IUI cycles. Not only is it extremely expensive but it has taken such a toll on me.

Even though I have had feelings of my body letting me down, I really am grateful that it's not worse than what it is. I am also grateful for all the ways my body works right. So many people take their bodies for granted. This experience has made me appreciate my body.

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we have to do this IUI cycle and that we have such great doctors for the process. There are many who don't have a good fertility doctor in their area. It's another one of those things I am so grateful for. We are hoping and praying that everything looks good at this upcoming appointment and that we get to move forward. We do have some fears about it all but it's so great knowing Heavenly Father is in charge. We have seen his hand so much in our lives even in just the past couple weeks. We just need to keep having faith in his plan.

Drugs, More Drugs, and Emotions

Infertility is one of those things that people never quite understand until they actually go through it. They can try to put themselves in the others shoes and get a good idea of what its like, but you never get the complete picture until you go through it. The same thing is true for IUI. I never imagined the cycle to be like this!

On Tuesday I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done. Everything looked great with the ultrasound so they had my blood drawn and sent me on my way with the next set of instructions, which consisted of getting a prescription from the pharmacy and ordering two medicines through the mail, since pharmacies don't offer them locally. I filled my local prescription and started taking it the same day. Today I received a package in mail with the other prescriptions. One of which is an injection. Shots don't bother me at all, but when you tell me I have to give it to myself that is when I panic! (I just figured that out today.) We got all the prescriptions situated and got the ones that needed to go in the fridge, into the fridge, and the ones that needed to stay out, out on the counter, all ready to go for when the doctor says to start using them.

My day was going pretty well up to this point, besides the panic attack from having to give myself a shot in the coming weeks. However, I got off work and noticed I had just missed a call. I listened to the voicemail that was left and it was my doctor's office saying they got blood work back and Dr. Foulk reviewed it and wants me to start taking yet another prescription starting tomorrow! They didn't give much information and I started to panic again wondering if this new medication was going to help the cycle, or stop it and we would have to wait to try for the IUI. I tried calling the office back but they had just barely closed so I called the after hours line and luckily someone answered. She looked at my records and said I would need to start the prescription tomorrow but as far as she could see we would still be going forward with the cycle. We will find out more tomorrow about this situation and this new prescription.

After all of this confusion, worry, and stress, that happened in just a few minutes time, I started to cry. I walked in the door after work crying. I never get this emotional over stuff. The hormones and drugs are definitely doing something. Taylor saw me when I walked in and was worried. He calmed me down after I talked to him about the situation. My worst fear is the cycle being cancelled and postponed. I don't want to be doing all of this for nothing. The emotions, the nausea, the constant timing of drugs, etc has really been hard to cope with. I am so lucky to have Taylor though! He really has been such a huge help. He puts things into perspective when emotions get out of whack and he is very patient with all of this.

I feel like my life will revolve around drugs for the next few weeks. The timing is so hard to get used to. I have to take one pill an hour before I eat, another when I eat, another at least two hours after the first pill, another pill with dinner and two more at the exact same time every evening. Taylor even joked with me and said he would get me one of the pill boxes that old people on the TV use. I may have actually considered it but it only divides out by days, not by times.

So now we wait until tomorrow when I get to talk to the nurses at my doctors office. They are quickly becoming just like best friends. I have talked to them at least once per day this week. I am so grateful that they are all such great, friendly people. Having such a great doctor, with great staff makes a huge difference. I can't imagine going through this with an office that didn't have such nice, caring people.

Submitting and Taking Action

A few months ago we got into a deep conversation with my aunt, who is also a great friend of mine. She came over to watch some fireworks with us in our backyard and we ended up talking for a while afterward. She said that she and a friend had been talking about the word "submit" and asked us our opinions on it. It has had me thinking a lot ever since then. There is a lot that goes into submitting to something, in our case submitting to our Heavenly Father's will. It takes a lot of work to be able to say that you have been able to fully submit to Heavenly Father's will and plan for you. I still can't say I have been able to fully submit to Heavenly Father's plan for our infertility journey.

A few days later I looked up the definition of submit in the dictionary and it got me thinking even more. Some of the definitions are: to yield or surrender to will or authority of another, to subject to a condition or a process, to commit to the consideration or judgment of another. I do know that I can't change the situation that I am in. We have been given infertility as one our trials and we can't change that. However, we can change our thinking about it and our reactions to it.

For the first little while after the diagnosis came I started researching everything I could do to change our situation. I came across some crazy theories for how you can reverse infertility. I soon came to the conclusion that we can't change or get around the situation, we need to go through it and figure out how to get through it. I fought against Heavenly Father's plan for a while, not wanting to go through this trial that we were given. As much as I wanted it to, infertility did not just go away.

Submitting became my only option. It is not something that is easy to come to terms with though. It something that has to constantly be worked at. One day you can feel like you have submitted to Heavenly Father's will, and the next you just want to change everything again. Heavenly Father really is in control and his plan is the best. I know that and I always will, but sometimes you still just want to be able to change things.

Submitting can bring a lot of peace especially during a hard trial, no matter what that trial is. Its comforting to know that I higher power is in control and knows much better what needs to happen, even though a different route seems better to you at the time. Its a great spiritual moment at that point when you can humble yourself and give the control over completely to Heavenly Father and submit to his will.

Even though Heavenly Father is in control of our infertility journey, we have not stopped moving forward. Even after submitting to the trial, you can't just sit back and say things will happen as they are supposed to. Action still needs to be taken. You still need to do your best to do all you can to move in the direction you feel is appropriate. Of course, the way you figure out the correct direction is through prayer and revelation. Heavenly Father won't just make things happen if you aren't doing the things you need to, to make it happen.

Many people with infertility have to figure out what treatments they need to pursue, what actions they need to take, and in what timeframes they need to deal with things. Submitting does not mean stopping the actions, its continuing forward in the direction Heavenly Father has counseled, knowing that His plan is the best and it will work out the way its supposed to.

We are definitely not perfect at submitting to Heavenly Father's will for this trial but we are trying our best. We are moving forward the best that we can, putting our faith, trust, and hope in the Lord. It is scary to move forward with IUI but we know its what we need to do. We excited to see what Heavenly Father has in store for us, no matter what it may be.

Adjustments and Moving Forward

These past few weeks have been filled with some adjustments. It was hard getting used to the Metformin, and it was only a half dose for the first two weeks. I would get sick really easy among other side effects. I was really nervous Friday to double the dosage. Luckily, I haven't had many side effects with the increase in the amount. Hopefully it will stay that way.

At this point we are moving forward with everything. Hopefully I will get my blood work done this week along with a baseline ultrasound. After that we are hoping we get an all clear to go forward with our first IUI the first of next month. If not, it will be within the next few months. We are just trying to keep moving forward with everything, trying to keep the faith and hope that something will work soon. In the meantime, we are very excited for this coming week with Taylor's birthday celebrations.

I am sure going forward with treatments will be quite a roller coaster ride but we are ready and hopeful for a good outcome. Heavenly Father knows what is best for us and we have hope and faith knowing that. All of these hard times will be worth it in the end.

Growing Closer

Infertility is a hard trial to go through and it causes a lot of stresses. Lately I have heard a few stories where infertility has caused some couples to grow farther apart, rather than closer together. I thought a lot about Taylor and I  and how far we have come in our two years of marriage. A lot has been thrown our way in those two years. However, through it all, we have grown so much closer together.

I think there are quite a few reasons for this outcome of growing closer together, rather than farther apart. Infertility very quickly becomes extremely stressful. Soon after diagnosis, there is  a lot of medications, treatments, budgets for treatments, and worrying that occurs. It's a lot of pressure for couples and if they aren't able to take time away from the infertility issue, I can see how it can cause problems.

Yes, we have to deal with infertility, but infertility has not become our identity. It's a huge part of our life but its not who we are. It has helped us become who we are today and it has made us stronger, but it does not define who we are. There are so many other things that make up who we are. Infertility in the big perspective is only a small part of who we are. There have been a few times we have forgotten this but when those times come we just have to remember to take a step back and take a break from the trial.

First, we try to take time out of our schedules regularly to do things that we enjoy doing together and have some fun. Like recently we trained and ran our first 5k, we play board games, do projects, garden, go on walks, etc. Its those small moments of taking time for ourselves that has helped us grow closer together.

Second, hard, painful, and heartbreaking times come quite often when going through such a roller coaster journey. Its painful for both of us. Many people think its only painful for the wife since she is the one that would be bearing the child but its equally painful for the husband. He endures everything right along with me. We both have our struggles with the whole thing. We both have good days and bad days, we both have our frustrations, but we both have each other to lean on. Since we have grown closer together we know we can always depend on each other. On those days when I can't hold myself together and just need to cry, Taylor is always there to hold me and tell me it will all work out and be alright. I always know I can count on him for anything. Even as I have been adjusting to new medication he has been doing everything he can to help lighten my load and I will be forever grateful for that. There have also been times when he needs to rely on me and count on me and I will always be there for him. When he had doubts he would ever be able to learn to walk again after brain tumor surgery he had to lean on me and we were able to work through it all together. We are best friends and we would never want to push each other away through the hard times. We are each other's rock and support.

Third, we know that Heavenly Father is in control and has a plan for us. When things seem overwhelming and stressful, we know He will help us through it all. Not only have we built a stronger relationship together but we have both built a stronger relationship with our Heavenly Father. We do stress a little bit over things but we know its not worth it to stress too much. Things will work out in Heavenly Father's timing and that is always the best timing!

I am so grateful that I have had this opportunity to grow so much closer to my eternal companion and best friend as well as my Heavenly Father. Infertility is so hard to go through but I am so grateful for the blessings that have come through it, that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

PPP 5K

We did it! This morning was the 5k for Pound the Pavement for Parenthood. I was really nervous about doing it because I started Metformin yesterday and it can make you get pretty sick. Luckily I wasn't too nauseous during the race and we were able to finish the whole thing. It was so great to see show many people come together for the cause of infertility. More and more people are talking about it and awareness is becoming more widespread. It was sad to see some disappointment for some people who didn't win the raffle but on the other hand it was amazing to see a couple of the reactions of people who did win. We had put our names in for the raffle but didn't expect anything at all and almost even changed the names on our tickets last minute to someone else since we may not even be doing IVF. We are hoping the IUIs work so that we don't need to do IVF but we will see what happens. Pound the Pavement for Parenthood is such an amazing organization. I will definitely be supporting the organization more in the future.

Answers!

Today we had our big appointment with Dr. Foulk. It went really well. I got more answers than I was expecting. Everyone at the office was really nice. They took us back to Dr. Foulk's office and when he came in he introduced himself. He then told us that he is pretty sure he knows why we aren't pregnant. He was very confident in this. He explained that there are two factors playing into everything. First, I am not ovulating regularly. I ovulate once in a while but not enough. My previous doctor had taken some blood work and it was all borderline so he thought I probably was ovulating. However when you put that information together with a few other things it shows that I am not ovulating regularly. Also, I was told to use an OPK and it only came out positive 2 out of 6 times. My previous doctor said that the kit probably just wasn't picking the hormones up enough and I really was ovulating. We told Dr. Foulk this theory and he laughed. He said the OPKs are actually pretty reliable. He said my previous doctor is a great OBGYN but he specializes in things after the baby gets in there, not helping it to get in there. He said its like asking him to fix a car. Its just not his specialty.

After he explained that we need to get my body to ovulate he told me that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). There is a lot that goes into this diagnosis. To fix this issue I am starting a prescription tomorrow that will help some hormone levels and help with insulin intolerance. I will then be starting another drug, clomid, next cycle.

The other concern that Dr. Foulk had is my ectopic pregnancy. He said the tube that had the ectopic had something wrong the month that I got pregnant. The tube may or may not be functioning properly now and there isn't much they can do to tell, but they want to make sure they do everything they can to prevent another ectopic. To do this they are going to do an IUI. They are pretty much going to take a sample from Taylor and place it where they want it to be. This isn't a guarantee that an ectopic won't happen, but its the best shot that we have right now.

Dr. Foulk seemed pretty confident that this will make our miracle happen. However, if that does not work in 3-6 tries, he said he would want to look into tube issues more and then possibly move on to IVF. Hopefully it won't come to that but we will see what Heavenly Father has in store for us. We feel good about moving forward in this direction. We have more hope and clarity from things that Dr. Foulk was able to tell us. Its all in Heavenly Father's hands, and we are hoping we will have a little miracle soon.