We wrote this part of our story a little different. We originally wrote out this part for our photographer who did our two year/infertility and pregnancy loss photo shoot. (We will post the pictures later.) This goes along with the pictures since the pictures help tell our story.
Amberly:
In May 2011 when Taylor and I were married everything seemed
so perfect. We had found each other, and were sealed for time and all eternity
in the Mount Timpanogos Temple. It was a great day filled with family and
friends. From that day forward we knew we would be together for eternity. We
also knew that we wanted to start a family right away. We didn’t want to wait.
Soon after our wedding day conversations turned to having children and what a
blessing they would be in our home.
Taylor:
I honestly don’t know where the story really starts. There
is not a particular day that I can point to when the journey with infertility
began. I remember my wife having mentioned early on in our relationship that
she was worried about being able to have children, but it never occurred to me
that it would be such a trial for us to go through.
Amberly:
I had some friends who had a hard time getting pregnant and
I knew the possibility was always there, but I always expected we would be able
to have children right when we wanted to. We had a savings account built up and
we were prepared and ready to welcome a child into our home.
However, in a rollercoaster fashion, month after month passed.
Each new month would start with excitement that maybe this month would finally
be the month that it would happen. Then the month would end with disappointment
and heartache as test after test came back negative. We didn’t understand why
it wasn’t happening because we had prayed and received confirmation that we
needed to move toward having a family.
In October 2011 I went to my first doctor appointment about
the issue. The doctor didn’t seem very concerned and told us to wait until we
had gone a year without getting pregnant. It was a huge disappointment to be
told to wait that long again. We
kept moving forward and the next few months just ended with the same
disappointment and heartache the rest had ended with.
In December 2011 our focused changed a bit when we purchased
our new house. We never stopped trying or hoping for a child but being busy
with the house took our minds off of it a little bit. At the end of January
2012 I got back the test that we had been hoping and longing for, for over eight
months. The test was positive. I was so excited to show Taylor the test and a
celebration followed. We were so excited that our dream of becoming parents was
happening.
In February 2012 I started having a feeling that something
was wrong. I called the doctor and they said it was probably just because it
was the first pregnancy and I was just worrying myself. I let it go for a few
days but the feeling persisted so I called back and the doctor got me in for an
appointment. I went to the appointment and an ultrasound was done. In the
middle of the ultrasound the doctor went quiet and his manner changed. I knew
something was wrong. He told me that I was miscarrying our baby. Confusion, frustration, and heartbreak
followed as I prepared myself to face what was happening. I had to have blood
work done every week to follow the miscarriage.
On my second week for blood work the nurse called me only an
hour after the test had been done. Her voice sounded urgent and said I needed
to go to the hospital right away and have another ultrasound done. I left work
immediately and went to the hospital. The ultrasound technicians were
whispering to each other the whole time and I just wanted to know what was
going on but they weren’t allowed to tell me. When the ultrasound ended they
said they were sending results to my doctor and I was to go to the office right
away. There I received the news that I had a second baby but it was growing in
my tubes. The pregnancy was ectopic. I could either have surgery to remove the pregnancy
(but if they couldn’t see the pregnancy then they would have to remove my whole
tube, lowering my chances of ever having children) or I could have a
methotrexate (chemotherapy) shot and see if that would terminate the pregnancy
for me. I opted to go with the shot. I was given strict instructions that if I
had pain to go to the ER because if the tube ruptured I could lose my
life. Many long days, an ER visit,
and many blood tests later I was finally given clearance to return to my
regular daily activities.
Even though the doctors declared me “back to normal”, our
life was anything but that. We still had the heartache and grief to deal with.
We still felt like there was a big hole in our life that needed to be filled.
We still longed for a child to bring home with us. Many around were very
helpful but many didn’t understand what we were going through. We would hear
ladies all the time in the mall and public places complaining about their
pregnancy and how they wished it could be over. We just wanted to take their
place! We wanted a child and it seemed like everyone but us was getting our
dream.
Taylor:
One thing that I have noticed is that infertility has
affected each of us in different ways. The hard part about writing this is that
it affects me in different ways depending on the situations that come up and
the timing of them. There are even some days that I don’t even understand how
it is affecting me, but I can tell that I am struggling to get through the day
or a moment I am faced with.
I think the hardest thing for me to see is how this has been
affecting my wife and the feelings she has in response to the infertility.
There will be days and weeks where I can see in her eyes the pain she is going
through which often comes with the terrible realization that there is literally
nothing I can do to help her. It is hard to watch your wife smiling and
laughing, but knowing full well that there is no happiness or joy behind it.
The tears later flow when she feels nobody is watching or the pain becomes too
real and strong to hold in any more. Other days, she would curl up on the bed
where no blanket, no word, and no affection could penetrate the emotions that
she had spent all the energy of the day holding in. It is at these moments that
I feel helpless, hopeless and that I have failed to accomplish what everything
inside of me desires to give her… happiness.
Amberly:
In September 2012 Taylor was diagnosed with an acoustic
neuroma brain tumor that needed to be removed. Surgery was in December 2012 and
our focus again shifted to Taylor’s recovery. It was a time of a lot of
uncertainty, but we were able to make it through together; just
like we did with losing our twins and making it through each heartbreak that
came month by month.
In April 2013 we finally hit the year mark of not having a
pregnancy and returned to the doctor. He decided it was time for surgery to see
if he could see what was wrong. It sounds funny to most people, but we were
actually looking forward to it. We were hoping they could find what was wrong,
fix it, and help us start our family. However, when surgery day came nothing
wrong was found. Everything was perfect and looked healthy. Our doctor was at a
loss for why we didn’t have a baby yet. We were given the official infertility
diagnosis and were referred to a fertility specialist.
Taylor:
It is a numbing feeling that often strikes unexpectedly and
never really goes away. It is hard for me to talk about the subject with my
wife at times because I feel that no matter what I say, it will always end in
sadness and pain
Amberly:
We had many different reactions to this diagnosis and to our
being open about our situation. Many people were very supportive with
everything we were going through. Others told us we shouldn’t talk about it and
we just needed to not stress about it and it would happen. We started educating
ourselves as much as possible about infertility. Many people have this trial
that they need to go through, and it’s not an easy one. Its not something you
can just relax about and have it magically fixed. It is a disease that causes a
lot of heartache for couples.
Taylor:
In all of this, there have been so many blessings that have
come through these experiences with infertility. I have felt the Lord pulling
us through so many hard times that it is hard for me to doubt His existence and
presence in our lives. He has helped us through every financial struggle,
through every moment of pain and tears. He has helped us move forward when all
we wanted to do was give up and…well… do whatever people are supposed to do
when they give up. There have been miracles we have seen in other aspects of
our lives not directly related to our infertility. We have also seen God’s hand
in how He often uses those around us to bless our lives. People from church
have helped bring food and words of kindness. Our families have done many
things to show their support and we have learned the value of good friends. We
have also seen how good people can be that you would otherwise never have met or
known without having gone through this struggle. I just hope that we can be
like those around us who have gone through these struggles with infertility and
have used their experiences and wisdom in helping others along its often lonely
and painful path.
Amberly:
Even though we still may have a lot to go through in our
story, we have found hope and friendship with other couples that are going
through similar things. We have also grown closer each other and to the Lord.
He has promised us children and we know he will keep his promise. We don’t know
how or when it will happen, but it will happen someday.
*Since these events we have also had at least one miscarriage.
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